Loneliness Be Over
by pixievamp08
Summary: Changes are ahead for Bella Swan, as she leaves her home in Forks for the sunshine of California. Unable to let go, her journey of self-discovery begins, and she must choose between what she left behind and what lies ahead. AH, OOC, MATURE THEMES
1. Parting

Okay, this is my first ever fanfiction... take it easy on me.  
I have to give a big shout out to bratty_vamp and my girl Mel for editing/validating me on this story. I couldn't have asked for more support from my homies over at ADF (.com). And thanks to my fabulous bestie Marcee for making an amazing banner (link on my profile).

*WARNING: some mild drug references in this chapter, so if that offends, this probably isn't for you.*

SMeyer owns Twilight... yeah.

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Chapter 1

"_Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell." ~Emily Dickinson_

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BPOV

"Isabella! We have to hit the road!" My father's voice sent a slight echo up the stairs of our tiny, now empty house, reminding me for the third time in the last hour that we had to get a move on. We had to leave. Hit the road. Take off. I rolled my eyes and shoved the last of my socks into my duffle bag and heard the wistful, ragged sigh of my best friend Jacob. He was sitting on the other side of my bare mattress, picking idly at his fingernails, looking at the scuffed hardwood floor.

"Fuck, I know Jake. This blows. Don't think I don't know."

Moving. To California. Orange County. Making a trade I did not want: shadow and clouds for sun and surf. Why me? Why now? Why my dad? Why did he have to be so qualified for the job? Why did I have to leave Jake? He was my best friend, almost like a brother. The only constant I'd had during these crazy seventeen years. My mother was gone, and Charlie needed a way out of this town, a way to escape her memory. Some small part of me did too, but…

"Don't forget your pictures." The sadness of his deep voice cut through the silence, and he gestured to my old desk, where two photographs sat in white wooden frames. I heaved myself up from the mattress and made my way to the desk. I took in the image of Jacob and me from last summer's July 4th festivities at First Beach. Forks couldn't brag about much, but we always managed to get completely fucked up on the beach to celebrate our country. It had always been the highlight of summer vacation.

This day had been one for the record books. And Charlie had been so pissed when he saw the developed pictures, but still managed to laugh at this one, despite the fact that his only daughter was very obviously rebelling against her police chief father. Jacob and I had matching bandanas tied around our heads, throwing up matching sideways peace signs, lips pursed in our best attempt at "gangsta" expressions, chins jutting out just slightly. A cigarette hung loosely from my lips and Jacob was sporting a beer bottle in his left hand, one of many he had had that day. Through the slits of our eyes, I could see how bloodshot they were, from a combination of too much alcohol, marijuana, and hours in the rare sunlight. The plain black bikini top did no favors for my already pale skin, which needed no help looking anymore translucent next to my Native American friend. Jacob's long hair was a few shades darker than mine, although mine was tinged with bright red on the ends. My first foray into experimenting with hair coloring; Charlie had been shocked.

I chuckled at the picture, at the memory of that day, and clutched it to my chest.

The other framed image was of Embry, one of Jacob's friends from the reservation, planting a huge kiss on my temple, my arms wrapped tightly around his bare waist, holding him to me. The smile on my face did nothing to camouflage the feelings I had for that boy. It was taken on the beach, the same 4th of July, the world moving and carrying on around us, but Embry and I lost in our own little place in time. And on that day, he had walked on the beach with all of us, had thrown me over his shoulder and threatened to dump me into the always freezing water. He had drunk too many beers and smoked too much pot, and had invited me to sleep at his house when all the festivities were done.

We had developed a mutual affection for each other over the years. And through all the booze and the haze of that Independence Day, that affection came to fruition. Make no mistake, we had concerns: for each other, for Jacob, like a brother to us both, and for the weight of what we were doing. But Jacob approved wholeheartedly: a relationship from within his circle of friends was better than one with some idiot from Forks High who would in effect "steal me away." So Embry and I had drunkenly, but gently reached for each other in the darkness of his small bedroom that night, whispers of _I can't believe we're doing this,_ and _Are you sure?_ and _How does that feel?_ seemed to reverberate off the walls with a crushing weight. That night was about learning and growing and sharing something no one else had ever had from either of us.

And when it was over and we were just an entanglement of limbs, our fingers entwined and resting on his chest, I talked to him like he was my best friend, just like any other day.

"Do you think it was a little soon?" I whispered into his shoulder. I was in uncharted territory now and it scared the hell out of me.

He rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow to peer down at me, and suddenly pulled the plain white sheet up over both our heads and rested his forehead against mine. I laughed like a child and he smiled at me through his big brown eyes.

"Bella, I have known you for how long now? Since birth?" He leaned in and kissed me once on the tip of my nose, and then once quickly on my lips. "Do you really think…" _Kiss._ "I would be here…" _Kiss._ "If I were planning on making this a short-term thing? How would I escape you?" And then he kissed me slowly, deeply, our tongues slowly moving against one another, his finger tips trailing down my side and tracing unknown shapes and patterns into my skin.

And so it was then that Embry had become a fixture in my life as powerful as Jacob Black. We spent the next year together, and had ended this summer's 4th of July festivities the same way as the year before, in his bed, bodies slack against each other, talking and kissing and touching and pressing into one another until the early morning hours. There was never the need for a title of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", even though I suppose technically that's what we were. We just existed and everyone had accepted it.

Still, Embry's words from that first night were on repeat in my mind as I stood there, holding our captured memory. _"…if I were planning on making this a short-term thing."_ I had essentially gone and done exactly what I had been fearful of. I would be the one to leave.

"How is he, Jake?" I heard Jacob moving in my direction and closed my eyes when I felt his warm hand rest on my shoulder.

"He's fine, Bells. You two ended things the right way, the way every couple should strive to end something like what you had. He knows how you feel. He knows you don't want to go. But he also knows that you have to go be with Charlie. He doesn't resent you for backing off and ending things. Embry's a sensible dude."

I chuckled at Jake's word choice. There was never anything sensible about my relationship with Embry. But I wasn't big on the sensible either.

"And I think the guy really just fucking cares about you… we all do."

Jacob spun me around, a hand on each shoulder, until I was facing him. I now had both pictures crushed to my chest, which had begun to heave with emotion. Jacob silently took the pictures from my hands and placed them behind me on the desk again, then held me by my wrist while he reached down into his pocket. He retrieved a brightly colored friendship bracelet, handmade with strings in four different colors – one for each of us – Jacob, Quil, Embry, and myself.

It really always had been us against the world, and once my mother had gone, those three had become my entire world.

As he tied the string around my wrist, I watched as a single tear slid down my cheek and puddle on the old hardwood floor between us, the reality of the situation finally breaking through my self erected brick wall.

"I know it's not much in terms of a going away present, but the three of us put our heads together and thought you would appreciate this the most. It might be the lamest thing ever, but we're all wearing one." He extended his wrist to me and sure enough, his now matched mine.

Before I had time to respond to my gift, Jake was shoving a small, folded square into my palm. My name was written across the front of the blue-lined notebook paper in Embry's messy scrawl and I let out a breath I realized I'd been holding for quite awhile.

"What's this?" I asked through an escaping sob.

"Well, you didn't think he'd let you slip away without a goodbye, did you? You told him not to come here today, so he gave this to me and said I should make sure you got it, but not to let you read it until right before you leave."

The words made my chest ache once again, and I looked around my room, until my eyes landed on the cigarettes sticking out of my purse. I scooped up the photographs and quickly shoved them into my backpack before turning back to my friend.

"Come on, let's take a walk. I need a smoke in a bad way."

Jacob nodded his head once and lovingly tucked a strand of my brown hair behind my ear. So what if Charlie was in a hurry, it's not like he could leave without me. Although a part of me wished he would.

We set out on the familiar path behind my house, twisting and winding through the green forest of Forks, Jacob's arm slung lightly around my shoulder as I took long, slow drags from the cigarette, letting the nicotine and smoke of my bad habit fill my lungs. It seemed like there was so much to say in this moment, the last I would have with my best friend for I didn't know how long, but the silence was comfortable and I let my thoughts drift back to the day I told Jacob about the move.

He was the only one I had cried to at first, the only one who saw me wrecked with pain and feeling, the only one who knew I had begun to resent my father for so many things. He had held me close to him that stormy night, rocking me as I let my tears fall and my sobs heave within me.

"Orange County? California? Really? Who the hell wants to live there anyway?" I could hear the crack in Jacob's voice, even though I knew he was trying to make a joke, a valiant attempt on his part. And then there were no more jokes, only the facts. I was leaving and though Jake and I came up with at least ten different plans to convince Charlie to let me stay, there was nothing to be done.

So I decided not to let anyone else know about the move until the start of summer, including Embry. Jake and I kept everything from the other Quilluette's and from my friends at Forks High, not that there were all that many to keep it from there. And during the last week of school, I had told them I wouldn't be coming back for my senior year. Angela and Mike were the only ones who seemed really earnestly upset about it. Angela had cried a little on the last day of school and Mike claimed they would all try to come visit me, maybe during Spring Break.

When Jacob and I had broken the news to Embry and Quil, they both tried to maintain their masks of calm, but I knew they were frantic. I could practically see the wheels turning in Quil's head, and knew he was trying desperately to devise a plan.

"Hey buddy," I said, gently patting his leg and trying to demonstrate that I had come to terms with the facts. "Don't even worry about it. There is nothing you could come up with that Jake and I haven't already thought of. Promise."

_He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. It wasn't the typical, goofy Quil grin, and I could feel the prick in my eyes at his defeated expression. _

_On the other side of me, Embry sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. I met Jacob's eyes across the room and he nodded towards the door, suggesting I should maybe talk to Embry alone. I reached over and laced my fingers with his and whispered, "Let's get out of here."_

My initial fear was that he'd been mad at Jacob and me for not telling him when we first learned of the situation. But instead, he seemed relatively calm, probably because I seemed calm as well. We weren't "exclusive", but everyone knew we were together. And as a semi-girlfriend, I probably should have told him from the start. We walked down the quiet street away from Jacob's house and had made it almost a whole block before either of us spoke.

"Look, Bells," he began, using my nickname, "I just want to know you're okay. That's all I'm worried about."

As indifferent as I had tried to be about my relationship with Embry, it was hurting me not only to leave Forks and Jacob and my friends, but also to leave all that we had. Maybe I had taken an air of nonchalance regarding my feelings for him. Maybe it could have been something bigger, something more if I had allowed it. Maybe for the first time, I was wondering just how strong his feelings were and realizing that I may never know.

So, I let him see me cry, and we stood in the light misting rain, Embry cradling my head to his chest while every ounce of my anger and sadness poured out of me. I was angry that this move was causing me to give this up. I was angry that our little group would be short one person in a few months. I was angry that I would begin my senior year of high school in a place where I knew no one and probably didn't want to. I was angry because I was suddenly unsure of so many things.

_I cried all this out, and when the tears subsided, he brushed the wetness from my cheeks and kissed me in the rain. Neither of us would ever have to vocalize the inevitable: we knew that once it was time for me to go, this couldn't continue. The distance was too great and we were too young. We both knew all this_.

And instead of talking, instead of making proclamations that wouldn't change the facts, we just clung to each other, his warmth radiating into my skin and shielding me from the chilly Forks air.

When we returned to Jacob's house, our clothes and hair sticking to our bodies and faces, Quil rushed to me and pulled me into a tight embrace. I threw my arms around him too, entangling myself with my quiet friend, and chuckled softly in his ear.

We never spoke of that day in the rain. The summer passed much as it would have even if I hadn't been moving.

And now it was ending. Now here we were.

Jacob and I sat in the comfortable silence, down the winding trail behind my father's house, which was now obscured by the greenery and the fog. I rested my head on his broad shoulder and listened to his slow, heavy sigh. We sat for several minutes, not speaking, the cigarette in my hand burning to nothing but ash. I flicked it to the other side of the path and pulled another from my pack, tucking it between my lips. Jake's smug expression lingered in my periphery and the silence was broken with my dry laugh.

"Don't think the chief would approve of my smoking in his truck. Better get them in while I can."

He rolled his eyes and smiled --- my own personal sun. I playfully nudged his shoulder and tried to match his grin, but knew I was unsuccessful.

"Man, I'm… well, I'm gonna miss the hell outta you, Bella."

"You gotta keep everybody in line while I'm gone. And by 'everybody', I mean Embry and Quil. You have to take care of yourself too, okay?" I pushed the tears back again, inwardly deciding that I would not cry again until I was alone in California.

Jacob nodded his head, his silent agreement basically meaning he would make sure he stayed happy and would keep the others happy in my absence. "You have to be happy, Bella. Try to make the most of it. Don't give Charlie a hard time."

It was as if he was reading my mind. I nodded my head, just as he had moments earlier, silently pleading with my eyes that he wouldn't ask me if I was okay. I wasn't. We were all losing something in this situation, and I hated it.

I went back to resting my head on his shoulder and just as I was finishing my smoke break, Charlie's voice came through the forest from the back porch.

"Bella? Bella, we have to go, kiddo!"

I couldn't help it. Despite Jacob's last words, I rolled my eyes at Charlie. Jacob caught me and then it was his turn to nudge my shoulder. "Bella…"

"I know, I know. Don't give Charlie a hard time. I'm trying." We began walking up the path toward the house and just as it was coming into view and Charlie shouted my name once again, Jacob spoke.

"Don't forget to read Embry's note. You have to before you leave."

I dug in my back pocket, where the neatly folded square had been shoved. "I'll, um, meet you back at the house, Bells… let Charlie know you're coming." And then Jacob was gone, leaving me alone with Embry's words. I sighed before reading the sloppy handwriting there.

_Bella,_

_This is it, huh? I probably won't be very articulate in this letter, and I know I'll forget something I should or want to say, but take it for what it is, okay? _

_You're one of the strongest people I know, and just like you seem to bounce back from everything else, you'll bounce back from this move too. You're my best friend and that has made more than just this past year incredible for me. _

_I left you a gift, it's in your mailbox. Spared no expense, so TAKE IT. I'll be by later on to make sure you got it. _

_Please learn to surf while you're living in Cali. But don't hurt yourself trying! I intend to have my first lesson when we see each other again. _

_I guess the only thing left to say is that I love you. Always have. And I hate that you're leaving, but please know that the memories don't go with you. We will always have those. Your friendship has meant more to me than anything else. _

_Stay true to yourself and don't forget where you come from. Don't forget that you are one of us._

_-Embry_

I glanced down at the thick braided string tied to my wrist and knew that Embry was going to be fine without me. That should have made me hurt, but instead it brought me peace. Love does things like that to us. I took one long, last look around at the verdant haze of Forks, Washington and headed toward the house, smiling.

Jacob was loading my duffle bag into the cab of the moving truck and smiled when he saw the ease of my expression. He raised his eyebrows, questioning my mental state no doubt; to that I simply nodded quickly and smiled back.

"Well Jacob, tell Billy we'll call when we stop tonight. There's no way I'm driving all the way down in one day, but I know he'll be thinking I will want to try." My dad grabbed Jacob's hand in a firm handshake just before pulling him into an easy hug. And in that moment, I knew this move was hard for Charlie too. I knew he was leaving behind the same thing I was: Friends. When you've been through what Charlie and I have endured, when you lose your family, friends become all that matter. Billy, Jacob's dad, was Charlie's best friend. I had Jake and Embry and Quil. Charlie had Billy. These were the people who had helped us cope with the difficulty of losing my mom, these were the people who we called now when things were rough, who did the cheering up when we got down, who stood beside me through it all. We weren't just leaving friends. We were leaving family. Both of us were.

I felt the corner of my lip curl up at my realization, even though I was choking back a sob in my throat. The mailbox, where I knew Embry had hidden his farewell present, was at the front of the truck, and I made my way there before Jacob had his chance to envelope me in one of his bone-crushing hugs. The white metal box was cool to the touch and a few raindrops rested on its top. I flipped the door down and saw the square wrapped in brown paper, again with my name written across the front. Tucking Embry's folded letter back into my pocket, I pulled the package out and clutched it to my chest, releasing the deep breath I had been attempting to hold until we had crossed the other side of the Forks city limits.

"I really think you'll like what he got you, Bells." Jake interrupted my quiet moment, and I knew I would have to turn to face my brother when I felt his hand slowly creep up onto my shoulder.

Letting out a small whimper, I quickly turned my head into his chest and let his big arms gather me up, just like always. He stroked my hair and made soothing statements in my ear.

"It's not goodbye, okay? It's _see you later_," he whispered. I nodded, allowing him to bury me deeper in his warmth. "You know I'm always gonna be here for you, Bella. Even California can't keep me from my sister. I'm always only a phone call away."

He rocked us for a few more moments, and I was thankful that Charlie just let me be there with him. Jacob's chest heaved once against my cheek, and I knew he was crying with me. When I pulled back, I didn't immediately look up at him, but instead brushed the tears from my cheeks in an act of composure. Jacob's hand lifted to his own cheek and swiped at it quickly.

"Moment of truth, huh?" I looked up at him finally and quirked an eyebrow. He smiled and we bumped fists.

"Call me tonight. Don't forget or I will assault your phone with text messages."

I smiled at him and moved to the passenger side of Charlie's truck and yanked the door open as Jacob stepped away from us and stood by his Volkswagen Rabbit. As I hopped in and shut the door quickly, a cool Forks breeze blew through my hair, and I drank it in. I would miss this place. I would miss cliff diving with my boys and fishing trips on Lake Crescent. I would miss skipping school and getting caught down at the rez. I would miss weekly marathons of the latest lame series Quil would decide to watch. I would miss cookouts and bonfires at the beach. I would even miss the rain.

I waved one last goodbye to Jacob Black and blew him a kiss for good measure. Charlie sighed gruffly as he turned the ignition and I forced a tight smile for him.

"Ready, Bells?"

All I could do was nod. I had to shut my eyes, had to stop any more tears from falling. I didn't want to see my home zooming past me through the window of the truck. I wanted to feel the wet, mossy ground beneath my feet. I wanted to be back in my best friend's warm embrace. I wanted to rest my cheek on Embry's strong chest and feel his heart beat against it. I wanted to see Quil's bashful smile and let his happiness fill me up.

And when I opened my eyes, Embry's gift still lay there in my lap, unopened.

I ran a hesitant finger down the front and hooked my fingernail into a seam in the wrapping before ripping it open.

A brown, faded leather book with a bare cover lay there, and I smiled. Upon flipping the cover open, Embry's recognizable handwriting was scribbled across the first page:

Start writing, you know you want to.

_Make sure to 'see the sign.'_

See the sign? What in the bloody hell?

And when I looked up, he was there. Standing on the edge of the road, his old beater truck parked on the shoulder, right next to the huge wooden sign that said, "Now leaving Forks, Washington."

I laughed out loud and saw Charlie shaking his head in amusement. "Those friends of yours…"

"They are the best," I whispered, and pressed my hand firmly against the glass in farewell. Embry smiled broadly and placed a hand on his chest, right over his heart, before raising it to wave goodbye to me.

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Charlie and I drove south for several hours, before finally deciding to stop for the night, somewhere right along the Oregon/California state line. His eyes were becoming lazy and I was too afraid to drive while hauling the trailer behind us. Accidents were too much my forte to risk an endeavor like that.

The Holiday Inn Express off I-5 did have something we were both interested in: hot showers and free breakfast in the morning. After pulling through a drive-up window at McDonald's, we checked in for the night, and I let Charlie have the first shower while I slowly sipped the sugary sweetness of my Coke and decided now would be a good time to call Jake.

His enthusiastic voice boomed through the earpiece of my cell phone and we talked until Charlie emerged from the shower, clad in his flannel pajama pants and a white undershirt. He wanted to talk to Billy, so Jake and I put our conversation on hold until the adults were done with small pleasantries.

Jake informed me that the rain hadn't stopped since I left and I thought to myself, "Forks must be weeping at my departure." I told him about Embry's parting gift and his waiting for me by the sign.

"Bella, he's fine. I saw him just about an hour ago. He is even smiling. And he expects you to do the same."

"Sure, sure. I'll do my best. Tell the boys we made it and I will talk to you guys again soon."

As soon as I had hung up with Jake, I picked through a bag of chips while Charlie nibbled on his probably cold French fries. Our conversation hadn't amounted to much during the drive so far, as I had kept my nose buried in back issues of Rolling Stone. Surely Charlie was feeling that I was probably angry and not amused at his new choice in jobs, so I finally cut the silence.

"So Dad, tell me about the townhouse."

His gruff voice echoed across the room, no doubt excited at my sudden interest in all things California. He told me what he knew about the house, it's location ("Only a few blocks from the beach"), the type of schools in the area, and some of his co-workers.

"Apparently, another new guy in the division lives just across the street from us. He's got a boy about your age. They came up from Texas about a year ago."

I nodded my head as Charlie continued his spill, finally ending with, "I really think you'll like it there, Bells."

Turning my eyes from Charlie, I acquiesced and nodded, resolving myself to genuinely pretending to like the new locale.

"I know you'll miss your friends in Forks…" He trailed off, letting the thought hang in the air. Anger stung at my eyes again, but I really had no one to direct the anger towards.

"I think I'm gonna take a shower, dad. Get some sleep, huh?"

Remote in hand, Charlie turned his double bed down and nestled himself into the covers as I retrieved some shampoo and clean pajamas from my duffle bag.

I let the shower run as hot as my skin could stand it, reveling in the scalding water beating down through my long hair and washing all the tears away with it. Eventually, I curled myself onto the ceramic floor and pulled my knees into my chest, letting the steam and the heat envelope me, cleansing me of my anger and hurt. _Charlie is not to blame_. _Charlie is not to blame._ If anything he had been my salvation, my saving grace. This move was only because he had our best interest as a family at heart. The only thing I could legitimately place on his shoulders was courage.

He had been strong for me, choosing not to fall apart after he lost my mom. And if anything, that had kept me stronger as well. So why start falling apart now? Not everything had to be about loss. Embry and Jake and Quil were not gone forever. Just like I had picked up the phone and called Jake, I knew I could call on any one of them at any time. Hell, for all I knew, if I needed them, they would pick up and drive all twenty hours to California to help me.

But the memories… they are all left behind now.

I stood and quickly washed my hair and body, then stepped from the tub to dry off. I donned my own pair of flannel pants and a white wife beater before twisting my hair onto my head and giving my teeth a quick brushing.

Charlie was snoring softly, just like I knew he would be. The remote lay on his stomach, the TV glowing softly and emitting almost no sound from the Weather Channel. I grabbed my purse and the room key and decided hydration was in order. I ducked out of the hotel room as quietly as possible, lighting a cigarette on my way to the vending machine.

The first text from Embry came as soon as I had opened my bottle of Aquafina.

"Jake tells me you made it to stop #1. Call me if you can. –E"

I smiled and decided that now was as good a time as any.

"Yes, phase one of the Bella/Charlie road trip adventure has come to a close. Phase 2 begins in the am. Why are you still awake? –B"

I sat on the stairs outside of the hotel room and waited for his reply, quietly sipping my water and picking at a loose thread on the hem of my pants.

My phone gave signal of his response.

"I'm keeping your side of the bed warm. ;-) –E"

I chuckled to myself and rolled my eyes before hitting the "send" button on my phone and waiting to see the screen flashing "Calling: Embry Cell."

He picked up on the first ring. _Eager, horny boy_.

"Figured that would get you to call." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"You must really be missing me, Embry Call."

"Not near as much as you're missing me though, Swan."

I paused, wavering in my resolve to just find the friendly feelings I once harbored for this man. In that moment, I would have given anything to be lying there with him.

"Bella… you there?"

"Yeah, sorry. Just sort of dazed and confused right now I guess."

"Are you… will you be okay, Bella?" He was so genuine in his concern that I could feel that uncalled for, needless anger rising up in me again. My heart ached for the familiar green of Forks, for the lumpy mattress I knew Embry was lying on at that moment, for the people I loved.

"I really loved your present, Embry. Thanks."

"Bella, don't make me worry about you, please. Say it right now. Tell me you're going to be okay."

I smiled and could hear him smile back through the phone. Recalling my thoughts from the shower, my mind settled again and I was able to comply with his demand.

"I'm fine. I will be fine. I promise. Goodnight." I pressed my lips to the mouthpiece of the phone and kissed loudly. Embry's laugh filled me up before the call was ended.

Trudging back into the room, the clock on the bedside table glowed an ominous red: one am. I was sure there would be several more text messages to pass between my three friends and I as I typed out a message to Quil, and exhausted, let my head hit the pillow.

Tomorrow, the ocean would be in front of me. The California sun would beat down on my face. There would be sand and surf and a new house at some point. I glanced over at Charlie as a soft snort issued from his nose.

After all that my father had done for me, the least I could do for him was make the most of things.


	2. The Long, Hard Road

I love your response. They make my day.

Bratty-vamp and soonermom beta'd, and can take credit for some of this. Jennyfly gave me the quote.

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"History is nothing but the actions of men in pursuit of their ends." ~Karl Marx

Chapter 2 - The Long, Hard Road

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I awoke the next morning to Charlie whistling in the bathroom… loudly. I stuffed the too-hard motel pillow over my head as I rolled onto my stomach and kicked my legs out in frustration.

"Rise and shine, kiddo!" I issued another groan as I peeked out from under my new shelter. The cheery voice of a weather forecaster blared from the TV set and at that, I rid my body of the crispy motel covers and sat upright on the edge of the bed, chewing on the inside of my cheek, reaching deep down for the feeling of complacency I had adopted at bedtime last night.

I saw Charlie glance over at me from the corner of his eye. He looked unsure of what to do with me, as if he were trying to decide how to go about anticipating my mood swings, feeling like a miserable failure at reading his rebellious teenage daughter.

I didn't want him to feel those things, didn't want to see those looks.

Clearing my throat of the sleepy, wheezy sound, and running a hand through my semi-tangled hair, I gave my dad a tight smile.

"So, what's the schedule for today?" Glancing at the clock between the two beds, I saw it was just a little before seven o'clock.

"Well, it should be around eleven more hours of driving, depending on traffic once we get into Los Angeles, and additional stops along the way." He paused to glance down at his watch. "Should be there no later than nine tonight, if everything goes well. Then we meet Mr. Whitlock for the keys to our new house. He and his son have agreed to help us move in."

"They're the ones from across the street? You mentioned them last night." He nodded in concurrence.

"Anyway," he continued, "better head on out. The sooner we get there, the better. It's going to be warm down there, just so you know."

I gave him a quick thumbs up just as my phone vibrated with a new text message. _One New Message From: Quil. _I clicked to open it.

_"The journey is the reward."_

I chuckled to myself and gave a half-assed eye roll at my phone before texting back, _"Chinese proverbs to start my day?"_

Quil's reply was a simple smiley face.

"I think I'll run down the street and grab us a few breakfast biscuits, Bells. Anything specific you're craving?"

I looked back at my dad and let him see my full smile. "Yeah, how about an orange juice? A big one. Extra cold," I answered. Charlie nodded before ducking out of the room, leaving me to my devices. Once I knew he was out of the parking lot, I retreated to the stairs for a quick cigarette break, exchanging a few more text messages with Quil, and then Jake, who continued to tell me to be myself and to call with details on the new house when we got in.

I made my way back inside to wash up and brush my teeth, dressing in a pair of jeans and a white tank top for comfort. I was fishing for Embry's soccer sweatshirt when his ring tone blasted from my phone.

"Yes, dear?" I answered, a small smile playing on my lips.

"What are you wearing?" he growled back. I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my throat.

"I just wanted to see how you were feeling this morning. I know you didn't want me to, but I worried about you last night after we got off the phone."

"Well, Charlie has gone off to get some breakfast. Quil has sent me some words of inspiration this morning, via text of course. And right now, I can't find your sweatshirt. Life is good."

"Sarcasm, Bella? It's too early for sarcasm. How do you manage to do that first thing in the morning?"

"It's a gift."

I told Embry about our schedule for the day, found the sweatshirt twisted up in the covers of the bed, and peeked out the heavy door when I heard the loud exhaust of our moving truck in the parking lot.

"Bella, you be sweet today. Try and give this new life a chance, okay?"

I had liked my old life just fine, but the pleading tone to Embry's voice backed me into a corner and my resolve disappeared… again.

"I'm doing my best, Em. Honestly. Look, I have to go. Charlie is back and I'm sure he'll be ushering me out the door. Can I call tonight when we get there?"

The momentary pause startled me, and I began to fear he could hear the emotion in my voice. But just as quickly as his hesitation came, it dissolved into his usual affection.

"I expect you to call me. You know you don't have to ask." With a small smile and a quick good-bye, I snapped my phone shut.

The road stretched long, leading Charlie and me to what I was expected to soon call home. The brisk morning sun brightened to its mid-day intensity the farther south we drove. Tall trees and thick forest thinned as the cities became more frequent and the traffic heavier. Worn pages of _The Great Gatsby_ moved quickly beneath my fingers, revealing text I had read so many times before, providing comfort in its familiarity. Soon, the sun had lost its luster altogether, and had been replaced with its silvery counterpart.

The ocean shimmered in the light beyond the shoreline, peeking through the treetops and between homes and buildings, reminding me it was still there. The sky was not as clear here, the stars not as bright as back home, and I could see my friends and me lounging lazily on the beach, gazing up at them. I wondered if they would be doing that now, without me.

Charlie and I stopped for food and drinks, and to stretch our legs, before reaching Los Angeles. It gave me a chance to wash up, even if it was in the ladies room of a fast food restaurant, and a much needed break from the cab of our moving truck. The cool water on my cheeks soothed the ever-rising nerves in my stomach, the anxiety becoming slightly overwhelming as I thought of being back home, or anywhere but here.

A montage of memories flooded my mind: Jake's infectious laughter, Embry's warm touch, Quil's mischievous grin. My mother's shining face. All of it was _back there_, and for now, the possibility of making future memories in that place with those people had to be put on hold.

"Don't be too emo, Swan," I chided my reflection as I pat the back of my neck with a wet paper towel. "Stay strong."

I found Charlie in line for food upon emerging from the rest room.

"What're you eating, Bells?"

I studied the menu quickly, and decided my stomach was ill equipped for the greasy options offered in the burger joint.

"Just a coke for me." Before he could deliver his rebuttal, I moved away to find a table near the back of the restaurant, feeling his watchful eye and the emotions of a worried father.

He ate in silence, mostly, and I slowly and casually sipped my sugary beverage, waiting for its caffeine to revive me.

Charlie cleared his throat, and I reluctantly lifted my eyes to meet his, the color of mud puddles on a rainy Forks afternoon. _Forks. _ I groaned inwardly.

"Bells, are you sure you don't want some food. I don't know if there will be anything near the house once we get there…"

I shook my head swiftly, swallowing a rather large gulp of my Coke. "I'm really fine dad. Nerves, I guess."

My father looked… _timid_. Was he afraid I would blow at any moment? Was he waiting for the '_Smells Like Teen Spirit'_ breakdown of the century?

"Bella, I'm sorry if you're still angry with me over this move. I know you miss your home, and your friends, and that's only going to get worse before it gets better…but, um, you've weathered worse."

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and placed my hands on the table, twirling the bracelet around my wrist slowly. Charlie waited for a few moments before resuming his meal, dipping a French fry into some ketchup. I sighed and began to understand how he could be concerned for me. I _had_ been through worse. And survived. The rough outer shell I had so carefully constructed began to crumble in front of my father.

"There is so much back home, Dad. So many memories. That's where Mom… that's where she is. And Jake. And Billy. And the boys… Embry…" I could feel my lips trembling as the words tumbled out, my eyes frantically bouncing around the restaurant, looking anywhere but back at Charlie.

"Bells, we are going to be FINE. Those memories will always be with us. And we can go back for visits whenever you want!" He raised his hand in "scout's honor" and said, "I promise."

It took everything I had inside of me, sitting there in that dimly lit fast-food restaurant, to not go ahead and have the nervous breakdown I felt I deserved. Everything. And while I knew Charlie would hold fast to that promise and send me back for visits whenever he could, I still felt the need to take a mental note of date and time the promise was made. _August 25. 6:23 pm._

Charlie pulled out an atlas before turning out of the restaurant, double-checking a route he was planning to use in order to by-pass Los Angeles. "If we take the 405 north of LA, we might get there faster."

Sleep took over as we headed even farther south, even though it didn't come peacefully. My mind was wrecked with images of my mother, the stark white of hospital walls, the clear wetness of tears and rain; of friends dressed all in black; of sand beneath my toes as I attempted to run screaming from it all, only to have Embry pulling me tightly to his chest while Jake and Quil looked on in the background. Flashes. That's all they were. Flashes I knew I couldn't allow to slip away.

I fisted the sleeves of Embry's sweatshirt into my palms as I felt the truck come to a stop. My eyes fluttered open and I rubbed them against the glare of soft orange streetlights.

"Well, here we are." Charlie opened the truck door, flooding the cab with even more unwanted light. I took in my surroundings nervously, noticing the brick town homes lining the street, one after another. They varied only by the color of their trim work and the shapes of their roofs. The driveways were short and the yards small. I knew the house to my right would be my new home. There were people in the yard.

A man and woman---husband and wife from the look of it---stood with their son, who was about my age. Charlie's new co-worker and his family, no doubt. Their smiles were kind, and the boy gave me a timid wave.

I tucked my belongings into my duffel and climbed out of the truck after Charlie. Huntingdon Beach---I could see the Pacific Ocean just in the distance, probably only about three blocks away. The air smelled salty here, not crisp and clean like back in Forks. It was warmer, just like Charlie said it would be, but I kept my sweatshirt pulled tightly to my body.

"Charlie Swan?" The kind-looking man extended his hand. "Larry Whitlock. Pleasure to meet ya." He had an accent. Southern. It was nice. "This is my wife Joy, and my son Jasper."

Charlie shook hands all around before introducing me as "Isabella," to which I quickly corrected him. I forced a smile that felt like it could pass as real.

Larry and Jasper both had firm hand shakes, Joy's was soft and delicate, her blue eyes twinkling under the streetlights above. "Bella," she used my corrected name in her dainty Southern drawl, "it's so nice to meet you, dear." I nodded, and kept a tight smile on my lips.

The four of them moved inside, but I found myself lingering. The street was lined with cars, and our house was right on the corner. The house I assumed to be the Whitlock's was directly across from us, with several pretty potted plants along the porch and a lamp on in one of the windows. There were no trees here, no greenery like back home. Just the bright emerald sod beneath my feet, out of place and unnatural where I stood. I pulled my phone from my pocket and flipped it open to begin sending a text to the boys.

_"We made it. No news to report yet. –Bells"_

"Bella!" I heard Charlie whisper my name from our own porch, and I spun around, swinging my duffle beside me.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Would you get in here please? They want to give us a tour of the house."

Resignedly, I shuffled toward the house and up the cement steps to the where Charlie stood, eyeing me in _that_ way again. I clapped him on the shoulder and grinned.

"Well, let's have a tour, then," I said.

The town house wasn't any bigger than our house back in Forks. Just… _nicer_. I could admit to that much. The floors were split brick and hardwood as far as I could tell. The kitchen was open, with tile countertops and mocha colored walls. The living room had a high ceiling and big windows, but I had a hard time imagining Charlie's old recliner fitting into the grand scheme of the room.

Larry droned on about the age of the house and how it was one of the homes on this street to be recently remodeled, like his a year ago. There was an actual laundry room big enough to turn around in, equipped with cabinets for storage. The backdoor was all glass, and lead out onto the back patio, which didn't boast as much as our back porch in Forks.

Charlie's bedroom and bath was also downstairs and they all made their way towards it, talking about the furniture provided in each bedroom. If Charlie's room was downstairs…

I trudged up the stairs, my bag in tow, and peeked around the corner of the landing to see just two doors in the hallway. Trying the first one, I found my bathroom, which meant only one thing: no more sharing with Charlie. _There's one cause for excitement_.

Across the hall was my bedroom, its light green walls the color of pond water. _Green… how convenient. _My new bed sat in the middle of the room, both of which were definitely bigger than back home. I walked over and dropped my bag on the bed with a sigh, noticing a gentle breeze blowing brackish air through my open window.

There were no curtains, but upon sticking my head through the open pane, I noticed there was a small rooftop landing just underneath me. The top of the porch. A perfect place to sit, sneak a smoke, _do some writing._

The roofing tiles were hard and scratchy under my backside, but I sat anyway, drawing my knees to my chest and hugging them close to me. Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply the smell of the ocean just beyond the next row of houses. My mother would have loved this. I could see her now, bustling around the new house, deciding what would go where and how she would change the color of my bedroom immediately.

....................................

_"Bella, honey, I am so sick of that pink color on your walls, aren't you? You have had that color since you were born! Aren't you ready for a change?" My mother bustled around the kitchen, her hands constantly busy, her mind going ninety miles an hour._

_I shrugged my shoulders, passing another piece of apple over to Jake, who munched hungrily, his hair still dripping from the rainstorm that brought us all in from our game of basketball. Embry and Quil laughed boisterously at the television set in our living room, watching some sort of afternoon sitcom. _

_In that moment, I didn't really care about what color my walls were, even though the boys made fun of me for still having a pink bedroom at the age of twelve. _

"_Mom, it doesn't matter. We don't have to change them now, do we?"_

"_There's no better time than the present, is there? Come on, think about it! What color would you like?"_

_I pondered her question for a moment, looking across the counter at Jake, who shrugged his shoulders and crunched more apple between his teeth. _

"_Dark blue, maybe?" I finally answered. I didn't really care about the color, but my mom looked so excited at my willingness to try something new at her request. _

_She clapped her hands excitedly and her brown eyes sparkled and her smile creased the lines on her face. Running a hand through her short, dark hair, she exclaimed "Boys! Get cleaned up! We're going to the hardware store!"_

"_Wait, we're going NOW?" I asked, not believing she wanted to paint now, in the middle of the afternoon. _

_And so the five of us loaded up in my mother's Bronco and made the short drive to the hardware store, where we bought two cans of paint ("Just in case," my mother said), and enough brushes to paint the entire house. _

_The boys moved all my furniture away from the walls, and Mom laid old sheets out on the weathered hardwood floor for protection. Embry helped me open the first can of paint, carefully pouring the dark blue liquid into two roller pans. I watched him sweep his dark hair away from his forehead, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, and his hands working swiftly to tie his hair back at the nape of his neck._

_While he wasn't looking, I gently dipped the tip of my finger into the paint, and as soon as Embry raised his head back to me, I swiped the painted finger down his cheek, giggling._

_His face a mask of surprise, he mirrored my actions, instead wiping a blue fingertip straight down my nose. _

_We sat cross-legged together, rubbing paint along any strip of exposed skin we could reach, laughing loudly, until my mother was looming above us, that scolding look in her eyes. Embry stifled another giggle, still dragging a single blue finger down my forearm. It took everything I had to stop the goose flesh from spreading over my entire, twelve-year-old body. _

"_Isabella? What on Earth do you two think you're doing?! Stop playing and let's get some painting done!"_

_...................................._

"Bella?" The voice sounded distant, whispered on the breeze and carried to my senses. My eyelids tried to open and look for the voice, but my mother's face was so sharp in my mind that I fought to keep them closed. _Maybe if I just ignore it…_

"Bella?" It was back. I let out an exasperated sigh and turned my head directly to my left.

There, sticking his head through my new window was Jasper Whitlock.

I raised one eyebrow at him, and stayed perfectly quiet.

"I didn't mean to startle you," he said, his twang attractive and amiable. "I was just wonderin' if you were alright?"

I realized I must have still been scowling at him because he shifted uncomfortably in the window frame.

"Sorry! You didn't scare me. I was just thinking about something and kind of got lost in thought I guess." I moved to get up from my seat, when he held his hand up for me to stay put.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked.

Uncertainly, I moved over slightly, so he wouldn't be too close, and he climbed through the window. I began to notice how warm the air was, how arid and just… not what I was used to. I pulled a cigarette from the front pocket of my sweatshirt and looked over at Jasper. He was watching me.

"You smoke?" I asked while lighting up.

"Only when I'm partying," he replied, a slight smile on his face.

For the first time since Charlie and I had arrived, I really looked at Jasper. His stringy honey-colored hair framed his angular face and blue eyes. Even in the moonlight, I could see the tan on his skin, probably a product of hours spent in the sun surfing or swimming.

"Ah, what the hell?" he sighed, and reached over to snatch my cigarette. His arm was lean and wiry, and I didn't protest. Jasper was attractive, and he was trying to be nice to me. After a few drags, he passed it back to me, a wisp of smoke lingering between us and accentuating the silence that had settled.

"So… Washington, huh? What's it like there?" He picked at a fingernail idly.

"Um, well, it's wet. Rainy, I mean. Probably the complete opposite of what it's like here."

"What part are you from? I went to Seattle once, the airport anyway. On a layover." He looked embarrassed for some reason. It made me chuckle.

"I'm not from Seattle. I'm pretty small town actually. Little place called Forks."

He looked contemplative for a few moments, and I smoked quietly awaiting his response.

"Nope, never heard of it." He smiled, his teeth a flash of white behind pretty lips.

"That doesn't surprise me. Nothing ever happens in Forks…" I trailed off, turning my face away from him. _Everything happens in Forks._

"Yeah, Texas was pretty boring too. I like it here a lot more now than I did when we first moved. It's not that bad."

I scoffed at him then, flicking the butt of my Camel off the roof. "Yeah, I bet."

He cleared his throat then before hoisting himself to his feet, moving precariously toward the window. I watched him swing his long legs over the ledge, a small wave of guilt slapping me in the face. Just as I leaned my head back against the house, his voice came back through the window.

"There's a bar on the beach, just a few blocks from here. A group of us like to go down there and hang out. They're um, pretty lenient about letting the under-agers in, if ya know what I mean."

I glanced over at him quickly and nodded once.

"Well, it was, um, nice to meet you, Bella. I'm right across the street if you ever wanna hang out."

As Jasper crossed our front yard with his parents, he turned to wave back at me, smiling, trying really hard to make me feel welcome. I forced another tight-lipped smirk and a half-assed wave before lighting up another cigarette.

My phone buzzed in the front pocket of my shirt, and I knew it was Jacob before I even pulled it out.

"Hi, Jake," I sighed.

"Bells! How is it? Made it there in one piece?"

I laughed at him softly, and thought about how things would be easier if he were sitting on that roof next to me.

"Well, I have a pretty cool little spot to sit outside my bedroom window. Wish you could see the view. Lots of lights and the beach is just a few blocks away."

"Yeah? How's the house?"

I told him about new living space, how it compared to Forks, and that I missed him. The emotion made my throat raw, drained the energy from my body. The line became silent as tears blurred my vision.

"Bells, don't cry. We'll see each other before you know it. And it'll be like you never even… left. I miss you, too."

I stuck out my chin, even though no one was there to watch the steeling of my reserve. No one was there to see my attempt at being strong. Dragging myself back to the window and climbing back through, I took a ragged breath before continuing. "I just want to come home, Jake. I wanted to come home before we even left." I felt weary. My muscles ached right along with my heart; my breaths came in shallow and rough, ripping away at my chest.

Jacob's distressed sigh matched my own, and he knew I didn't need him to make another comment; I didn't need him to tell me again that everything would be alright. I just needed him to talk me through things, to talk about _different_ things, to be the friend he always had been. He started recounting his activities for the day, making a very valiant attempt at distracting me, until Charlie came in the room with an armful of my junk.

I promised Jake I would call again tomorrow, and he said he would give his dad and the boys the update on everything. Charlie was setting up and plugging in a bedside lamp when I turned to face him with an expectant look, rubbing my eyes to wipe away the moisture of tears.

"Um, I thought you might like a little low light, Bells." He switched the lamp on, and the pale yellow light tainted the silver shadows cast by the moon. "What do you think of the house?"

Taking a good, slow look around the room, I shrugged back at him. "It's really nice, Dad. I think it'll be fine."

Charlie fidgeted with a string on his t-shirt and took a look around the room for himself. His brown eyes landed back on the bed and its bare mattress.

"Oh, well, I guess you're gonna need some bedding off the truck? I'll just go and fish some out for you." He stalked toward the door, his footsteps heavy, before stopping to look back at me again. "I love you, Bella. And I'm glad you were willing to give this a try."

I pulled my bathroom supplies out of my bag and set up in my bathroom. The warm water against my cheeks and on my eyelids made the desire to take a long, hot bath very strong, but my mind was too tired for it. After brushing my teeth, and making my way back across the hall, I saw Charlie had left sheets and pillows on the bed for me. I had stretched the fitted sheet across my new mattress, smoothed the wrinkles out, and shook pillowcases onto the pillows by the time I heard the car screech to a stop across the street.

The black Range Rover looked like a shiny new penny under the street lamps, and it was parked right in front of Jasper's house. The windows were tinted a limousine black, but the driver's side was rolled down. I leaned into my window just far enough to see clearly, but not far enough to look like I was watching anyone. We didn't see cars like that every day in Forks.

Or guys who looked like the driver.

It was a young guy, probably no more than eighteen. I found myself subconsciously leaning forward, curious about the type of person that my neighbor might have as a friend. I mean... what did MY friends at home have to say about me? They were almost an extension of who I was.

His long arm dangled out the window, revealing the sinewy muscles of his pale forearm, and bringing me comfort: I wasn't the only person in California without a tan. The pallid flesh of his arm was contrasted even more by the black button up shirt he wore, the sleeve rolled up to his elbow. The darkness could not completely obscure the reddish tint to his messy hair. But it was the strong angle of his jaw line that drew me in and held my attention. Even at this distance, I could tell the man was beautiful and I was captivated. It was a feeling I couldn't describe. _HE _was something I couldn't describe.

The Whitlock's front door opened and shut quietly, and Jasper came dashing out to the SUV. He had changed clothes, and looked like he had taken a quick shower. I felt like the nosy neighbor, and intended to walk away when my phone gave its very loud text message alert.

The beautiful driver glanced up at my window and peered curiously in my direction, while I tried to hide the embarrassment and shock of being caught in the act. As our eyes met, the corner of his mouth pulled up in an adorable smirk and my breath caught, my cheeks burning hot under the flame of his stare. Before I could think to smile back, he shifted his vehicle into gear and he and Jasper sped away.

My brain was rattled, my nerves fried, and my phone was going off _again_. Rushing to the bedside table to silence the blaring sounds, my reality came crashing back into focus.

_One new text message from: Embry_

I had to admit… the boy always did have impeccable timing.


	3. Appearances

Once again, I want to give a shout out to bratty_vamp and Mel for doing the beta thing. They are too awesome for words! Seriously.

Wolvesnvamps is my life coach. RedVelvetHeaven is my go-to OC bitch. This is for her.

I don't own the characters... but this Bella is so much cooler.

* * *

_"As men, we are all equal in the presence of death." ~Syrus_

Chapter 3- "Appearances"

BPOV – Flashback

_Stark white walls. The pungent smell of cleaning products. Of bleach. Of medication. Of death._

_The sharp ringing sound of a heart monitor that found no pulse. _

_Charlie held on to my mother's hand, her fingers cold and blue, her eyelids purple, her cheeks emaciated. She no longer resembled the dynamic, passionate, beautiful woman I knew. The woman who made me read books during the summer. The woman who forced me to wear pretty dresses to church because she loved them on me. The woman who let my friends sleep over on Friday nights, even though they were boys. _

_My mother was gone, taken from me too early. _I'm only fourteen years old; I'm just about to start high school. I still need her. _Thoughts like these plagued my mind as I entered the hallway outside of my mother's hospital room and pressed my back against the cold, cinder block wall, sliding my body down to the floor. _

_I unclenched my right fist, my mother's sterling silver and turquoise ring resting in my clammy palm. Sliding it onto my thumb, my head lulled into my hands, my chin touching my chest, and my body heaving with ragged sobs. The tears came and blurred my vision, and the need to protect myself overtook me. I pulled my knees into my chest and tucked my head safely there, whimpering the word "mama" quietly to myself. _

_I flinched away from the soft footsteps, even though I knew who they belonged to before I felt the warm, calloused hand on mine. _

"_Bella…" Embry's raspy voice came close to my ear, his warm breath brushing across my cheek and his long hair tickling my arm. He slipped his fingers underneath mine and wound his between them, and a sob choked from my throat. He wrapped one arm around my bony shoulders, shushing me quietly as he pressed his head against me. "Bella, you wanna get out of here?"_

_My head snapped up, the hot moisture of my own tears dripping down my cheek and blurring the edges of his broad shoulders. I could see Jake standing just behind Embry, his cheeks tear-stained as well, his eyes pleading for me to come. Several long moments ticked by, and Quil finally came crouching down on my other side. _

"_Bells, let Billy take you to his house. We're all going. This is not the place for you to be right now. Come be with us instead."_

_The sweetest one of them set me off. _

_I glared fiercely in Quil's direction and felt Embry squeezing my fingers tightly, keeping me grounded like always. _

_But I couldn't be grounded now. Not in this moment. _

"_I'm not going ANYWHERE. What would make you think I want to leave my mother? Huh?! The fact that you would even…" My head snapped back to Embry, whose own watery eyes didn't even cringe at my fiery expression. "I'm. Not. Leaving." _

"_Yes you are, Bella." Charlie's weary voice came from above and my eyes found his solemn face in the doorway. He looked like he had aged a great deal in a short time, his emotions clear as he leaned against the wall. "Please. Just go with Billy. I have some things to do now, arrangements to make and… just please, go with Billy and the boys."_

"_Daddy! I don't want to go." I wrenched my hand free of Embry's grip and threw myself at Charlie, who rubbed my hair gently. "Don't make me go. Don't make me leave her."_

"_I'll come to get you later, Bella. I just need you to go." His voice was fraught with emotion, and his face mirrored the sadness in mine as I looked up to him. Billy was at his side, and he peeled me off of my father, whispering that everything would be fine. I saw my mother's still form once more over my shoulder as we ambled down the hallway. _

_My tears flowed freely then, but I felt Jake snake his arm around my shoulders and heard his quiet sniffles to match my own. _

..............................................

I had slept fitfully, but survived my first night in a new house. My conversation with Embry was kept short, limited to a few messages where I explained briefly about the drive and how sleepy I was feeling. There was a tightness in my chest, unfamiliar and unnerving, as I typed out that I loved him. It was the first time I had said those words, written or otherwise, since we'd left Forks.

Embry and I weren't together in the literal sense of the word. But I loved that boy with a fierceness rivaled by few our age. Maybe it was because we grew up together. Maybe it was because he was the one who held my hand at my mother's funeral. Maybe I was just attached because he was the only boy I had ever _known._ The only one who had ever really kissed me, who had ever touched me, who had ever made me feel completely beautiful when I thought I was just the plain Jane, girl next door.

Embry was my first love.

_I can't let you go, Embry. Not yet. _

_I know Bells. Me either. _

The pale green of my room looked brighter in the sunlight that beamed through the open glass of my window. Blinds were severely needed. And maybe curtains as well. The mornings here were so much brighter than in Forks. I shielded my eyes as I sat up in bed, listening for Charlie downstairs.

I could hear the front door shut and decided to make my way across the hall for my morning routine. Just as I opened my bedroom door, a loud clatter resounded up the stairs. "Damnit," Charlie muttered.

"Dad? You okay down there?"

"Yeah, just dropping the damn boxes everywhere," he grumbled.

"Well, I'll be down in a minute," I answered quietly, knowing he couldn't hear me.

The boxes were stacked a mile high in the back of the moving truck, a wall of cardboard staring back at me. _This should be fun._

Charlie and I continued to tackle the boxes marked "kitchen," until he received a phone call.

"Bells, I have to go in to work for a bit, fill out some paper work. Mr. Whitlock is driving me. Why don't you take a break until I get back?"

"No, Dad, seriously. I'm fine. I'm just gonna do some of the unpacking, put a dent in getting organized. I'll see you when you get back."

He paused, one eyebrow crooked in my direction. "Okay, well, don't lift anything too heavy. I don't want you to, um, hurt yourself."

I had moved all the dishes, pots and pans, flatware, coffee mugs, and glassware into the house in the next hour. It was always just Charlie and I, so we never had an overwhelming amount of stuff in general, and to take a break from the heat, I decided to unpack and stock the cabinets.

I found a local radio station to listen to while I worked, humming along if the song was one I felt familiar with. I used Charlie's ladder to reach the top shelf, wiping everything down before stacking plates and bowls inside the cupboards.

The front door was open, the brilliant blue sky putting me in a surprisingly good mood. I was busy singing at the top of my lungs, the radio blasting, which was why I jumped at hearing an unknown voice.

"Excuse me?"

_THWACK._

"Oh, SHIT!" I gripped the top of my head where it had bumped the opening of the cabinet. I felt a hand on the small of my back and turned to see Range Rover guy standing in my kitchen, a concerned look etched on his pretty face. My cheeks burned from the shock of him and from the embarrassment of knocking my head while actually singing.

"Are you alright? I didn't mean to scare you!"

"Jesus, don't people knock around this place?" I climbed down the ladder, Range Rover guy still hovering to make sure I didn't bust my ass, just as Jasper wandered through the door. My head began to throb.

"I'm sorry… Jasper and I were coming to help you with some of those boxes."

"My mom sent us over. This is Edward…" Jasper interrupted.

"That's some voice you've got there," Edward snickered. I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. My cheeks flamed even more.

Rubbing my still throbbing head, I looked up at Range Rover guy, _Edward_, who had that one corner of his mouth turned up in the most adorable crooked smile. His hand remained on my back, steadying me, his touch feather light. That incredibly sharp jaw line drew me in once again, which in turn allowed me to notice his eyes. They were overwhelmingly green, a feature I wouldn't have been able to place the night before, and there was a kindness to them, something that radiated from him and made him seem approachable. Looking into those eyes made me feel guilty for being such a bitch.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you guys." I extended my hand slowly to Edward, who took it carefully, his long, slender fingers curling around mine. "I'm Bella…"

"Edward Cullen. We're here at your service, Bella. Point us in the right direction," he said enthusiastically.

I glanced over at Jasper, who was beaming as he tipped an imaginary cowboy hat.

"Um, well… I got all the kitchen stuff. I guess we can just see what's next?" They both nodded in agreement and we set to work. After determining that the next batch of boxes belonged in Charlie's bedroom, the boys did the heavy lifting, much to my protest, and sent me back in to finish organizing the kitchen.

I was organizing the pantry with our non-perishables when I bristled at the tap on my shoulder. I spun around to find Edward leaning against the counter lazily, a smile spreading across his face. He reached into the back pocket of his slightly baggy jeans, and whipped out a shiny, silver flask.

"Thought you might want a sip," he commented, putting the container to his lips and taking a slow drink before passing it to me.

"I thought only small town kids drank in the middle of the afternoon."

He chuckled. I sniffed the liquid contained inside, the metal warm against my hand.

"What's in it?"

"Cheap whiskey," he replied.

"My favorite." The brown liquid was hot and foul and warmed my insides, just as Jasper dropped another box in the foyer. His blonde wisps were sticking to his forehead, and the neck of his grey t-shirt was damp from sweat.

"I can't believe you fuckers are starting without me," he complained playfully.

"Just taking a break, buddy." Edward clapped him on the arm, as he pulled a cigarette from his pocket as well.

"Oh, thank fuck," I muttered. "Mind if I bum one?" I motioned to the cigarette in his hand.

He shrugged and smiled as he pulled another out for me, and sauntered toward the back door. I passed Jasper the flask and he took a big drink himself.

"Bella, I know you don't have any food, and I'm starving. I'll leave you smokers to it while I run to get some food." He shoved the flask back into my hand, the stench of whiskey strong through its open top.

Edward still had his fingers curled around the doorknob, his unlit cigarette dangling from his lips haphazardly. His arms were thin, but muscular, his chest taut beneath the red cotton that clung to his body. His shoulders rose and fell and he extended his extra cigarette out to me. "Trade ya," he said, motioning toward the flask.

There were no chairs on the patio yet, so we had to sit on the bare concrete slab. It was rough and warm from the beating sun, but I didn't feel so self-conscious about the pallor of my skin next to Edward. He pulled out his lighter, flicking the flame over the end of his cigarette, and then reached over to light mine. His green gaze stayed fixed on me. He leaned back on his elbows, even though it must have hurt, and I stretched my legs out in front of me and reached down to scratch just inside the edge of my Converse.

We didn't speak, simply passed Edward's flask back and forth and smoked our cigarettes in silence. I tried to think of ways to start conversation, but the quiet was fairly comfortable for two total strangers.

Edward's liquor was buzzing through my bloodstream. The sun felt warmer on my skin, my right hand was numb from the pressure of my weight and the hard ground beneath me, and my stomach was empty. Still, I was savoring the drunken feeling, and lay back so the heat could fully hit my face. I could hear when Edward let all the weight off his poor elbows, his jeans scuffing against the concrete as he slid down to mimic my pose.

"So, Bella…" I cracked an eye open and peered over at him, one arm bent underneath his head for support, smoke exhaling from his nostrils. He had that lazy, adorable grin on his face again.

"So, Edward…"

"How do you like it here so far?"

"I've only been here for about, oh, twelve hours. This patio constitutes the bulk of my exploration." I snubbed my cigarette out on the concrete and flicked the butt into the grass.

Edward's eyes popped open at my comment and he looked over at me with an expression of mock horror. "You mean you haven't been anywhere else yet?" I shook my head in response. "Well, that simply won't do! Someone has to show you the ropes, Bella!" He thumped my shoulder with his fingers gently.

"Is this your polite, round-about way of offering?" I asked, lifting one eyebrow in a show of cynicism.

His eyes were squinting in the sunlight as he looked me over, a jovial expression on his face as he tried to make some kind of assessment on my personality.

"Yeah, well… we're a rat pack group of friends. It's all about _appearances_ in this place, Bella. Jasper and I will be the first to tell you, it's an adjustment moving here. We'll take care of you." He closed his eyes quickly and he went back to facing the sun.

"So, you aren't from here either then?" My voice sounded quiet, timid. I hated it. I felt vulnerable.

"Nope. Moved here when I was twelve. And even then, it was always some kind of dick measuring contest; who has the most money and the biggest house and the sleekest ride. Even a twelve-year-old can pick up on those kinds of things." He paused then, and directed his attention back to my face. I quickly turned it from him, back to the sunny ceiling above.

"Of course," he continued, "I had my sister here with me. Alice. You'll meet her soon. She dates Jasper, actually." His voice was like velvet, smooth and soft, and I wanted him to keep talking, though in those next few moments we both remained silent. Small beads of sweat formed on my forehead, and I swiped them away with the back of my hand. The sun felt nice, but the heat was getting to me.

"Is it always this hot here?" I mumbled.

I heard Edward take another drink from his flask before passing it to me. "Yes, and that is why we drink in the middle of the day."

I giggled, noticing the flask was almost empty and that my buzz had increased a fair amount. "So I see!" Turning the flask upside down after draining it and giving it a shake, Edward looked over and laughed at me. The taste of whiskey lingered on my lips, the scent swirling around me. He sat up then, and ran one hand through his wayward hair before pulling another cigarette from his pack.

"Wanna share?" He shot me a devious, intoxicating look, and I laughed more. While he was lighting up, I tried to keep the conversation going.

"So, Edward…"

"So, Bella…" Smoke filtered through his crooked smile, and I had to roll my eyes at his charm.

"How do you know Jasper, then? You obviously don't live in this neighborhood."

He arched both eyebrows and feigned shock, placing his hand over his chest to indicate I had hurt his heart. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Edward. I didn't see any other Range Rovers parked on this street. You can't fool me…"

He smiled at me before answering. "Jasper and I met at Sage Hill. That's the lovely institution for academic achievement we all attend. While everyone was busy treating him like the outsider, I spent time getting to know him. People like Jasper are few and far between. I've been here for almost six years, and he is the best friend I've made. I've met a lot of ass-kissers and people either spent time trying to impress us, or competing against us. Not Jasper. He's genuine, real, and you learn to appreciate shit like that in a person. He's like my family now…"

Edward's words hit me hard. Family doesn't always have to be biological. You can choose those people too. He was just like me in that regard, and as I passed the cigarette back to him, I felt connected to him, this beautiful stranger who defied every preconception I had about this place.

Edward Cullen was totally cool.

And as I continued to let his words sink in, thoughts of my "family" back in Forks flooded my mind. The only biological family I had left was Charlie, but our loved ones back home made up the missing pieces to the puzzle. The heat of embarrassment began to creep up my chest and cheeks as I realized I was about to cry… _again. _

Edward heard my sniffle and saw my flushed cheeks. He placed his hand gently on my wrist, his thumb lightly stroking my skin.

"Hey, Bella, don't cry." His fingers were cool against the warmth of my own. In that moment, I felt like this creature could wash all the hurt away. Like he could pull the pain from deep within my bones, crumple it into a ball, stomp it into the ground…

"Did you leave a lot back in Washington?" His voice was solemn, hushed.

_Embry._

All the thoughts that had just flown through my mind about Edward were thoughts I associated with him, someone who protected me and loved me. When I looked up at Edward's inquisitive and concerned face, I half expected to see Embry's deep brown eyes and caring smile.

And I realized someone who I barely knew was watching a single tear roll down my blushing cheek. I quickly lifted the collar of my t-shirt to dry my eyes, and stared timidly back at Edward. It would have been okay to let the boys back home see me cry, but not _this_ boy. Not yet.

He released my wrist, and something inside of me instantly ached for that comfort again.

"Sorry, I'm okay. I guess you could say I left a lot back in Forks. Like you, I had a whole other 'family' there. And we tried everything we could, thought of every plan imaginable, to keep me there."

"But, what about your dad? You've got him."

"Yeah, Charlie's the only reason I came. It would have crushed him if I had tried to convince him to let me stay behind. I mean… I had things worth sticking around for. I just couldn't do that to him. He left a lot back there, too."

"And your mom, is she…"

I cringed, but quickly interrupted him before he could finish his question. "She died, Edward. I was fourteen." I bit my lip and sat up straighter, a sigh escaping my throat as I tried to appear resilient. _It's all about appearances here._

He pulled a blade of grass from the ground and began tearing it into tiny pieces. "I'm so sorry, Bella." He looked up into my eyes, their color verdant, their expression sympathetic.

I shrugged my shoulders quickly. "It's okay. Charlie and I have done okay since then." _Yeah, right._ Truth was, all of my rebellion in the last three years --- the drinking, the pot, the staying out way too late just to piss him off --- could be heaped on the fact that I still blamed my father for not letting me stay there with her longer.

I twirled my handmade bracelet around my wrist, the colors still bright, but representing everything else I had left behind.

"You two are useless! Have you been out here ever since I left to get food?" Jasper's twang came loudly from the door and made me smile. I looked over my shoulder to see him leaning against the doorframe, a small girl with short, black hair peeking around from behind him. She was buzzing with energy, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet, a huge sweet smile playing at her lips. Her green eyes matched Edward's, but that was the only thing similar about them.

Edward chuckled and nodded in her direction. "That's Alice," he mumbled.

"Hi, Bella!" She finally bounded over to me, leaned down, and flung her arms around my neck. I laughed and hesitantly wrapped my arms loosely around her tiny frame. She couldn't have been five feet tall.

"Hi," I laughed nervously. She pulled back and looked down into my eyes. The same kindness and amiability Jasper and Edward had shown me lingered in her face as well.

"I have a feeling…"

"Oh, Lord," grumbled Jasper.

"That you and I are gonna be great friends, Bella."

The boys broke out into fits of boisterous laughter, to which Alice shot them both a seething look.

"If we could just pry you away from these _knuckleheads_..." She lovingly slapped Jasper's arm and he pulled her into his side.

"Edward, Alice and I were talking over lunch and think it would be cool to have a little cook out at your place tomorrow night. Introduce Miss Bella here to the rest of the group."

"Jasper, the rest of 'the group' consists of Rosalie and Emmett. But yeah, that sounds like a cool idea. Dad has that _social event_ for work tomorrow night, right Al?" He used his fingers to make quotations around the words _social event_, and I shot him a questioning look.

"Social event basically means the people with a lot of status and nothing better to do come out and give loads of money to the hospital and drink themselves silly," Alice quipped.

"So how 'bout it, Bella? Up for some good food, a few drinks, a dip in the pool?" Jasper asked, wagging his eyebrows.

I glanced at Edward, who grinned and said, "It'll be fun."

"Okay… yeah. Yeah, I'll come. Can I catch a ride with someone?"

Jasper volunteered by raising his hand, just as a car horn honked from the front yard.

"That's probably my dad." The four of us trudged through the house, Edward and I stumbling slightly and laughing together over our minor intoxication. His cheeks were slightly pink, probably from the heat, and his eyes were a little bloodshot, as I'm sure were mine.

He leaned down to whisper in my ear, "We have to behave Bella. Your dad's a _cop_." His cool breath brushed across my face, and I felt a twinge of… _something._ Happiness, excitement? I wasn't sure.

My dad was parked on the edge of the street, a sleek grey sedan behind him. He was beaming. Turns out, when you're a detective in a city bigger than Forks, they can provide you with company cars, or some shit. Which was good because all our previous vehicles were back in Washington.

I introduced Charlie to Edward and Alice, and explained to him how the boys had helped me do some unpacking. As the three of them were heading off, Alice and Edward to his Range Rover, and Jasper up his parents front steps, Edward's eyes lingered on me. I lifted a box marked for my room and his intense stare caught my attention. He waved through the open passenger side window, Alice's small form bouncing in the driver's seat. He looked rumpled and drunk and incredibly sexy. But Edward was just a nice guy, a seemingly genuine person.

"Hey, Bells. I found a really cool diner up the street. You feeling up for some food?" Charlie's voice streamed through my thoughts and I heaved my box through the front door and toward the stairs. My stomach rumbled and reminded me that I still hadn't eaten anything all day.

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'm just gonna go clean up a bit first. Oh, hey Dad…"

He turned back to me from his spot on the foot of the stairs and waited for me to continue.

"Would it be okay if I rode with Jasper over to Edward and Alice's tomorrow night? They invited me for a cookout, or something. Please?"

Charlie looked even more excited than I felt about the idea. "Of course you can! I'm glad you're already making friends. See, this move won't be as bad as you thought, huh?"

"Um, yeah, we'll see. I'll be down in a bit."

The box I had selected was full of various pictures, a scrapbook Angela Weber had made as a going away gift, and a corkboard covered with more pictures. So far, all I had in my room was a bed and a small table, so I began there, placing a framed shot of me and the boys beneath my lamp. We were only about eleven years old when the picture was taken, after a city league soccer game. Quil and I were the shortest of the four, Embry already starting to tower over me, with Jake next in line. And all of us were smiling.

I headed to the bathroom to wash up and was just towel drying my face when my cell phone vibrated on the counter top. _Embry._ I moved to the toilet, and put the lid down to sit, the window giving me a clear view of the back yard.

"Hello, gorgeous," I crooned into the phone.

He laughed a little and said, "How's my girl?"

_His girl._

"Um, well, I'm okay. Charlie and I are about to go to some diner he found. I haven't eaten all day. Just been moving boxes and unpacking. How are you?"

"Well, Quil and I just got done helping Seth Clearwater's mom repaint her kitchen. I was getting ready to head to Jake's to help him work on some broken down dirt bikes he picked up."

"Oh, nice. Something for you two to hurt yourselves on. Listen, I'm not coming to visit you in the hospital if you get into a motorcycle accident…"

"Come on, Bells! You know you'd ride with me if you were here."

"Only if you asked nicely…"

He laughed at me then, and I was able to laugh too, even though I was screaming inside: for him to be there with me, for me to be there with him, to feel him tugging on a strand of my hair, to feel him pressed against me…

"I miss you, Bells," and a broken sigh escaped his throat. Embry was hurting too.

"I miss you too," I sighed into the phone. There was a silence that hung in between us then, charged and intense, and I could hear the wheels turning on the other end of the line. He spoke again with a stronger, lecturing tone.

"Bella? You need to promise me that you aren't going to sit around in the house all the time and mope just because we all can't be together right now. I need to know that you are going to be happy... It's important to me."

"I know, I know," I smiled. "And actually, today was a semi-good day… I met some people my age. You'd be proud. They helped me move some stuff in the house."

"Yeah? That's great! Tell me about them!"

"Well, Jasper lives across the street. His dad and Charlie will be working together. His best friend is Edward. And Jasper dates Alice, Edward's little sister."

"Hmmm, Jasper, Alice, and Edward… weird names," he said playfully.

"You should talk," I giggled.

As I ended the call several minutes later, I began to wonder why I omitted the part about spending most of my day in the sun, drinking with a boy who had whiskey colored hair.

.......................................

Reviews are like whiskey in the sunshine! Let me know what y'all think of good 'ol Edward!


	4. The Place Where I Belong

Hi lovelies! First I want to say... you guys are wonderful. There have been so many alerts and favorites and REVIEWS, and I am soooooo grateful to all of you. Also, **THE FICTIONATORS REVIEWED MY LITTLE STORY, WITH GUEST REVIEWER JFLY**! THEY SAID WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT MY STORY, AND I'M NOT SURE I DESERVE ALL THE RECOGNITION YET! =) There's a link on my profile to their article.

My betas bratty_vamp and soonermom are my life line! wolvesnvamps is my life coach. Jennyfly is my rock. Head on over to A Different Forest and come play with us. I'm a Ranger there.

This chapter was a BEAST to write. That's what took so long.

The characters are SMeyer's. The story is mine.

* * *

_Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends. ~Czech Proverb_

Chapter 4 - The Place Where I Belong

Flashback

"_Bella… Bella, don't be upset. It was just a stupid dance." _

_I marched inside Quil's fathers fishing cabin, the Sol Duc River rolling gently just beyond the tree line. The wooden floor was slightly dusty as I flipped on the light and headed to the bathroom to lock myself in._

"_Yeah, a stupid dance I didn't even want to go to, Jake!" I called over my shoulder, slamming the bathroom door behind me, and hopping on to the bathroom counter. Jake was there quickly, banging on the door loudly. _

"_Bella, seriously. Don't make me come in there!" I dropped my head into my hands and growled to myself. "Why are you so worried about what the people at that school say? It is just prom…"_

_I was fuming, anger welling up inside of me from somewhere deep, boiling, fueling my rage. I moved to the door and flung it open, Jacob's expectant face staring down at me._

"_Jake, they attacked me, attacked all of us! They pointed and laughed and said that I was doing… _things…_ with all of you! Lauren Mallory called me a _whore. _Have you ever had anyone say those kind of things about you?" _

"_Lauren Mallory is a bitch from hell, Bella. She is jealous of you, she is jealous of your relationship with the three of us, and especially with Embry! Why did you even let her get to you?" Jake leaned against the bathroom door, the top button of his white shirt undone, his necktie hanging loosely around his neck. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and gave an exasperated sigh at my stubbornness. "You're better than all of those people."_

_I continued to seethe, slamming the palm of my hand roughly against the wall and turning my back on Jake, my chest heaving with my infuriated breaths. "Damn it, Jake! I know I'm better than them! We're all better than them! It's not even about me, it's about the fact that you and Quil and Embry… you didn't deserve that!" _

"_Bella, stop."_

_The sound of his voice spun me around on my heels. Embry stood next to Jacob now, a beer in his hand and a tentative smile on his face. His shirt was untucked, the first three buttons undone, tie missing. And even though I was furious with myself for ruining our first prom experience, the look he was giving me melted my frozen heart. He extended his hand to me, and I felt embarrassed for rambling on in front of him._

_I looked awkwardly at my reflection in the cracked bathroom mirror, the simple blue dress nothing special, borrowed from Angela Weber. My silver ballet flats had a scuff on the left toe, and the red finger nail polish on my thumb was already chipped. Inside my head, I could hear the word sneered in my direction that night. _Slut._ I turned my burning eyes back to him, and felt the crimson blush creeping up my chest._

"_Come on, I fixed you a drink. Let's take a walk."_

_I cursed under my breath and took his hand, letting his strong fingers grip on to mine tightly. He chuckled at my reluctance. "Oh, come _on,_" he sighed, pulling me through the tiny kitchen and stopping to let me grab the Jack and Coke resting on the small countertop. Jake followed us out, running an exhausted hand through his short black hair, and moved to take a seat in one of the worn out chairs next to Quil, who had started a small fire and followed our movements with his bright eyes. _

_Embry led me down to the river, the moonlight shimmering off the crystal clear water. He didn't speak, just squeezed my hand in reassurance as I noticed a big blanket spread out just at the river's edge. Another thick quilt lay folded up in the middle, and my happiness began to drown my anger and frustration. _

_He pulled me down on the blanket, never once releasing my hand, and settled me between his legs, my back pressed against the muscles of his chest, his strong arms wrapping around me. He rested his head in the crook of my neck and pressed his lips sweetly to the skin there. _

"_Embry… I'm sorry. She made me lose my cool, and I'm sorry. I wanted tonight to be perfect, I wanted you to think I was beautiful…"_

_He shushed me then, and rocked me until I was calm again. " It's okay, Bella. I'm sorry you were hurt," he whispered against my shoulder, the warmth of his breath sending shivers up my spine. "And I'm sorry I didn't make you feel beautiful enough at your prom." There was remorse in his voice, a tinge of regret I had never heard from those lips before. My anger had faded and turned to shame, and I loved him more in those moments than ever before. _

"_Embry you did make me feel beautiful…"_

"_No, I could have done more. But I thought you knew that I have thought you were beautiful our entire lives, that I have loved everything about you forever." His fingers made soft trails down my arm, his touch crackling like lightning against my skin. I leaned further in to him then, my body going limp in his arms, my submission to the only boy who had ever managed to make me feel so alive. As his fingers ghosted across my stomach and over the tops of my legs, a sigh of contentment escaped my mouth. _

"_You don't belong with people like that, Bells. Jacob's right, you're better than them." He applied gentle pressure to my hips as he maneuvered me to turn and face him, pulling my legs around his waist and pressing our bodies against each other until we were connected as much as possible. _

_I raised my eyebrows at him and gave him a single chaste kiss. He laughed softly then and ran his hands up my back and into my homemade curls, pulling my face back to him and kissing me more deeply. His tongue moved languidly against mine, an apology uttered without words, and a soft moan issued from my throat as he carefully pulled my bottom lip between his own._

"_Then where do I belong, Embry?" Our mouths were still so close that our lips brushed delicately with my quiet words. I opened my eyes to find him searching, begging me to already have that answer. He smiled then, and trailed a finger down my cheek before answering. _

"_You belong with me, Bella. You always have."_

..................................

After heading to the diner for grilled chicken sandwiches with fries, Charlie and I stopped at a small furniture shop, where he purchased each of us a dresser and a desk and bookshelf for my room, to be delivered the following morning. We spent the rest of the night unloading and unpacking.

I determined there was no way, no matter how long I lived and how many years we ended up spending in that house, I would ever fill up the closet. It had to have been three times the size of the one back in Forks, with shelves halfway up the wall and racks for hanging anything and everything. _Too bad I'm just a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl._

As I settled on my rooftop landing, Embry's still blank journal open across my lap, I decided a phone call back home was in order. I quickly dialed Quil's number and waited for his answer.

"Bella! I was just thinking about you. I'm putting in season one of _Lost_ right now!"

"Oh man, Quil… I really wish I were there to watch it with you! How are you otherwise? The boys coming over for a late-night marathon?"

"Nope, just me tonight. We've been working on those bikes all afternoon, and Embry and Jake started arguing over how to put some part back together." He chuckled. "You should've been here to referee this one. I can't handle those two when they get frustrated."

"Sorry I missed that," I mumbled.

He paused, certainly hearing the sadness in my voice, and began to aim the usual questions at me then: How was the new house? Was California awesome? Had I seen any celebrities yet? I told him about the people we had met so far, about Charlie's job equipping him with a rather nice car, and what little I knew about the private school I would be attending on scholarship, news Charlie has given me over dinner.

We paused then, and he sighed into the phone quietly.

"Bella, how are you holding up?"

"Ah, well… as good as can be expected I guess. Things are getting easier, but you know I'm still missing you guys. Everything familiar is so far away now. I mean… I still have Charlie. I'm just trying to focus on that…"

"Embry said he told you not to be mopey. I told him he needed to be more supportive," he said matter-of-factly.

"Oh did you? Well… thanks for that. I don't think he meant it to be harsh when he said it. He just worries about me."

"We all do. And he puts up a good front, but he's really torn up about you leaving."

My heart swelled with emotion, and in that moment, I quietly wrote my first line in the journal Embry had left in my mailbox. _"The journey is the reward." _Quil's words of wisdom from the day before now adorned the inside flap.

.........................................

The furniture was delivered at nine am, and in order to have the moving van returned on time, Jasper and his dad came over to help with the last of our stuff. I argued with Charlie about not placing my desk in front of the bedroom window and blocking my quick escape to the landing below, while Jasper sat on the edge of my bed and chuckled at my "dedication."

While the men arranged furniture in the living room, I spent time unpacking my meager wardrobe and arranging my display of pictures and collection of novels on my new bookcase.

"Cool pictures." Jasper's voice slightly startled me and I emerged from the closet with several pairs of jeans draped over my shoulder, a wisp of stringy chocolate colored hair falling out of my ponytail. Jasper was looking over the collage of photographs stuck to my corkboard. "Who are all these kids?"

I slung my clothes onto the bed as I walked over to where he stood. In the collage were pictures of Jake, Embry, Quil and I at a bonfire on First Beach, and pictures of the guys and me individually. Jake and I were flashing simple smiles, Quil and I had our tongues stuck out, and Embry had his forehead rested against mine. And there could be no mistaking who _he_ was.

"Um, well, those are my friends back in Forks. That's Quil, Jake, and Embry." I shifted my weight in nervousness before continuing. "I grew up with these boys, known them my whole life. See, here we are in, I don't know, the third grade maybe?" I pointed to another photo on the collage, the four of us fishing with our fathers at Mr. Aetera's fishing cabin. I pointed out each one of them and smiled.

Jasper nodded in understanding. "Bet you miss them, huh?"

I nodded, not wanting to admit much at the time. "Yeah… I do."

"Boyfriend?" Jasper asked, tapping his finger against the picture of Embry and I.

"Embry is just… Embry." I stared at Jasper, intensity surely written all over my face, pleading for him to drop the topic for now.

"I had a lot of friends back in Texas, too." I relaxed a little more. "Don't talk to many of them anymore. Just my friend Peter and his girlfriend Charlotte. Peter grew up across the street from me. He got Charlotte knocked up in the tenth grade. They have a little girl now."

"It's good you still have contact with them, Jasper. I don't know what I would do if Jake and the boys didn't stay in touch with me."

He paused, his eyes lingering on mine for a few seconds, before sticking his hand out. "You got a cell phone?"

I nodded, reaching into the back pocket of my jeans and slapping the flip phone into his waiting palm. He shoved his at my chest as well, and nodded at the keypad. "Put your number in it, silly!"

When we traded back he headed toward the door, but paused before leaving. "Oh, Bella? Still up for going to the Cullen's tonight?"

I gave him a timid shrug, avoiding his eyes, not wanting him to see a shred of my nervousness. "Are you still up for driving me?"

"Yes ma'am. Be ready around seven and don't forget your swimsuit." He smiled then and tipped that imaginary cowboy hat once again. I laughed quietly.

"Sure thing, _cowboy."_

The afternoon continued to pass quickly, and by six o'clock, I was out of the shower and digging in another unpacked box for my swimsuit. A damp towel slung over my shoulders, protecting my simple white t-shirt from my still soaked hair. I was receiving text messages from both Embry and Jake, which kept me distracted and flustered from my task at hand, and I let out a loud growl of frustration at Charlie's knock on my door. He looked at me quizzically.

"Sorry, Dad. I'm just having a hard time finding my swimsuit and Jasper is picking me up in an hour. What's going on?"

He shook his head and chuckled. "You act just like your mother when you're nervous." I stopped digging for a few quick beats, but didn't turn to face him. He cleared his throat before going on. "Just checking in on you. Want you home at a decent hour tonight, if possible. We still have a lot of setting up to do, and we'll need food in this house at some point soon…"

"I think I can handle that. What if I have Jasper bring me home by, maybe one o'clock?" I went back to pulling clothes from the remaining box, practically throwing them over my shoulder in an anxious flurry.

He thought to himself for a few seconds, stroked his mustache and gave me a skeptical look before conceding to my offer. "Alright, one o'clock is fine. But be sure to remember that you can call me for anything. I'm sure there will be drinking, I just don't want you getting hurt, okay?"

"I'll be fine, and I promise to call if I need you. Don't worry… oh, yes! Found it!" I pulled the plain black bikini from the box and twirled it above my head in celebration.

Charlie let me finish getting ready, which didn't take much. My hair was mostly dry by that time, and I never wore much make-up anyway, but decided a little powder and waterproof mascara couldn't hurt. I was nervous to meet the rest of Edward and Jasper's "group," anxious to find out whether _Rosalie and Emmett_ would be as nice the other three had been.

My nerves didn't really start to set in until Jasper exited his front door and made his way across the street. I flicked my cigarette over the edge of my roof and whistled at him as I carefully stood. His blue eyes found mine and he waved up at me.

"You 'bout ready there, neighbor?"

"Yeah, I'm coming. Just wait there."

I made my way downstairs, securing my swimsuit in my messenger bag, and took a detour to Charlie's recliner, where he snored softly to the sounds of a baseball game on ESPN.

"Pssst. Dad?" I shook him gently until his eyes popped open and he started to sit up. "No, no, I'm just leaving to go over to the Cullen's. Jasper's outside," I whispered.

"Okay, don't be late," he mumbled.

Jasper and I jumped into his mom's Camry and began the short trek to Edward's house. He headed south on what he referred to as the "Pacific Coast Highway."

"This is definitely the scenic route," Jasper claimed, shooting me a wink, and encouraging me to take in the sights. The ocean and sand stretched out before us, late evening sunshine giving everything a reddish tint, only to then be blotted out by a row of houses on the beach. I had the window rolled down, the salty ocean air whipping my hair around my face. I let the warmth consume me, relished in the differences between this place and home.

"We come down here to have bonfires and stuff a lot. And surf." Jasper smiled, and I had to smile with him.

"That sounds like fun," I said, half to myself, remembering bonfires at La Push, and guessing that the water here would be much warmer than back home.

After crossing a bridge, the glorious water beneath us, and driving a bit further, there were even more houses, shops, and restaurants. Finally, the beach side was visible again, nothing but open-ocean beside us. "State lands," Jasper informed me. "No building allowed on these beaches." He took a left turn then, onto a road marked Newport Coast Drive, and it was evident then that the people living here made _way_ more money than either of our dads.

"Welcome to the dark side," he snickered. "The view behind us is pretty cool, though." I turned in my seat and could see the houses and neighborhoods dotting the coast below us. The cerulean water was made impossibly brighter in the warm sunshine, accented by the sugar white sand, and it… took my breath away.

The sheer size of these homes on this side of the tracks was shocking. Enormous, stucco and brick, all of them appeared to be incredibly expensive. "Wow," I sighed.

"I know. Believe me, I know. And you would automatically assume that the Cullen's would join the ranks of stuck-up folks they live amongst, but… not the case. They are incredibly cool, down to earth even." He gave me a sidelong glance. "You look _really_ nervous, Swan. Relax." He reached over and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly.

The big ass gated community did absolutely _nothing_ to ease my nerves. I did feel a bit more relieved that the Cullen's house was one of the more modest homes on the street. Still, the beautiful two-story Spanish style home was one of the most beautiful I had ever seen, a castle compared to the townhouse. Trimmed in ebony, it was adorned with mature flowers and plants, and large picturesque windows. Jasper stopped the car, which looked a bit out of place amongst the black Ranger Rover I knew was Edward's, a sleek Mercedes, and a two-door BMW sports car.

Edward emerged from the side of the house, all cigarette smoke and wayward hair, dark jeans hanging delicately from narrow hips. His feet were bare, the twisted neck of a button up prominently exposing a sharp collar bone. He smiled at us, and tossed a cigarette into the lush grass.

"Hey, glad you decided to come Bella." He was friendly in his demeanor, and there was excitement gleaming in his eyes. It was hard to look away from Edward. He had a discernable attractiveness to him that I'm sure captured a lot of attention.

I felt a sweeping wave of shyness as the front door opened and two of the most beautiful people I had ever seen emerged.

"Jasper, good to see you." The man walked toward us, his smile matching Edward's, and shook Jasper's hand. He turned his eyes to me then. "And you must be Bella. Carlisle Cullen, this is my wife Esme."

Carlisle was so utterly handsome, perfectly groomed pale blonde hair, skin just as fair as Edward's. He was wearing a black tuxedo and bowtie, and I reached for his extended hand, his fingers warm against mine.

"Thank you for having me over," I finally squeaked out. How could I _not_ be nervous?

"Bella, dear, welcome to California." Esme was regal, elegant, a _lady_. She pulled me into a loving embrace quickly, and I laughed quietly against her soft shoulder. She smelled like flowers and sugar, and she wore a simple pink, satin gown. As she broke from our hug, I saw Edward's gem tone eyes and a similar shade of his whiskey hair, paired with a cheerful smile. She gripped my hands with her soft, manicured fingers, and said, "Anything you need, please don't be afraid to come to us."

"We have to be on our way now, Esme. Don't want to be late for the benefit." They exchanged goodbyes, gave Edward a look of warning and a smile, and maneuvered the Mercedes out of the driveway.

Edward led us into the house, which wowed me even further. I tried not to look so hard at the beautiful stone floors and huge vaulted ceilings. _Maybe if I pretend I'm not so shell-shocked…_

Alice bounded up to us, full of energy and light, and threw her arms around Jasper's neck. He smiled at her and kissed her cheek before she turned her attention to me.

"Bella! You came! I'm so excited! Can I fix you a cocktail? Glass of wine?"

Edward chuckled behind me, and slung his arm loosely around my shoulder. "Alice, I'm not so sure Bella is a martini type of girl." He winked at me then, his green eyes boring deep into mine, and all I could do was nod.

"You know what I like, I guess," I finally choked out.

Alice wrinkled her nose at the idea of whiskey, but grabbed my hand and pulled me away from her brother. "Well, I don't get how you drink that stuff, but we have it all! Come on, you have to meet Rosalie and Emmett."

She piloted me down a hallway, through some sort of immaculate sitting room that appeared to never be used, and into a substantial kitchen, filled with the boisterous laughter of one burly dude. And if I had been intimidated before…

Rosalie was _intimidating. _She was striking, with long blonde hair and sun-kissed skin. She was studying a perfectly manicured French tip when we entered the room, and smacked who I could only guess was Emmett on his very broad shoulder, silencing his laughter at the flat screen television. They turned their attention to me with appraising, yet amiable eyes.

"Rosalie Hale. Emmett McCarty. This is Bella Swan," Alice introduced me.

"Hi, Bella!" Emmett boomed, swooping in to give me an extra-tight hug, cutting off my breathing and squeezing my lungs against my ribcage. He had a head full of curly brown hair, twinkling blue eyes, and boyish good looks for someone as… _big_ as him. His cheeks were adorned in dimples that did not match his muscular build. He towered over me as he pulled away and smiled down at me.

"Wow, you're small," he laughed, and everyone else joined in, save for Rosalie. Her expression was intense as she approached me, taking in my ordinary hair, generic brand clothing, and face with almost no make-up. I felt very small indeed as we stood there, facing off, until a part of me realized that I didn't come to the cookout to seek anyone's approval. The need to self-preserve kicked in. My back began to straighten up slightly, my chest puffed out minutely, and my lips pressed into a tight line as I stared at this bombshell and waited for her to make the first move. The air was silent around us as she crossed her arms over her chest and finally smiled.

"Oh, I like you," she crooned. "Did you guys just see the look she gave me?"

"Rosie, baby, it's not nice to try and bully people into folding," Emmett said, an almost embarrassed look on his face.

"I'm not bullying her." She turned back to me, her eyes expectant. "Nice to meet you, Bella. Edward, why haven't you gotten her a drink yet?"

Edward eyed me from his spot next to the kitchen table, raising his eyebrows in inquiry. I nodded quickly, affirming my need for an alcoholic beverage. He dashed out of the room as Rosalie patted the stool next to her.

"Come sit, Bella." Alice and I moved toward her, taking seats on both sides, as I tried desperately not to fall off my stool.

Edward came back then and sat a cup in front of me with a wink. "Just like you like it, Madame."

I giggled. "Thank you, sir." The amber liquid swirled around the ice cubes, and I could smell the strong scent of bourbon, though this was probably not the cheap kind Edward usually carried in his flask. He clinked his glass against mine before the onslaught of questions ensued. For the moment, I felt more comfortable giving short modest answers, not wanting to let my guard down too quickly around these new friends. They wanted to know mostly trivial information: Alice asked my favorite color, to which Edward rolled his eyes and I chuckled that it was blue. Rosalie made sure that Jasper showed me some hot spots on our drive over. Emmett wanted to know if I would be attending Sage Hill, where he was the proud captain of the Rugby team this year.

When they asked about Washington and the home I left behind, I kept my answer short and sweet, not wanting to imbibe too many details. Plus, I knew that it would put a damper on the so far lively mood.

Emmett got Rosalie and himself beer, Jasper made Alice a margarita, and Edward brought in a bottle of Makers Mark from the other room.

He sat my glass on the counter from behind me, ice cubes fresh and new, and whispered in my ear, "Definitely not the cheap kind."

My breath caught in my throat, and I whirled around on my stool to meet Edward's gaze. He was closer than I thought. With his warm, liquor scented breath in my face, bright green eyes sparkling, and a crooked smile pulling at his lips, there was no doubt about it. Edward Cullen was a charmer. For sure.

_Damn it. Close encounter. Not good. _

He held my eyes for a few quick seconds, until a shrill, unfamiliar female voice echoed from the front of the house.

"Hello?"

"Oh, damn it," Jasper whined. I glanced at him quickly.

"Who invited her?" I heard Alice sneer.

"Edward? Alice?" The female voice chanted in a rather annoying tone.

Rosalie crossed her arms across her chest again, her lips forming a tight line, as she cocked an eyebrow in Edward's direction.

Edward's head lolled, and he moved away from me and out of the kitchen, dragging his feet in reluctance and flipping everyone off over his shoulder as he exited.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"_That,_ little Bella is the shrew." Emmett lowered his voice and leaned across the counter.

"Do yourself a favor, Bella," Alice began quietly. "Don't mention that you and Edward had fun with the flask yesterday."

I didn't understand why everyone's moods had suddenly faltered so quickly. Jasper even set up shot glasses for he and Emmett, filling them with Tequila and knocking them back simultaneously.

Rosalie finally raised her eyes to mine, a look of disgust on her sun goddess face. "That would be Edward's _lovely _girlfriend, Tanya. She must have heard me talking about tonight's festivities at yoga this morning, the wretch."

At the mention of the word girlfriend, two conflicting thoughts rushed through my head: _Damn _and_ Thank God. _I surprised myself, hunching my shoulders and slouching on my stool while taking a huge gulp of the amber liquid Edward had poured for me. _Why should it bother me that he has a girlfriend? I have Embry. Sort of. And is it really that I'm bothered by his girlfriend, or am I just surprised? _

No, it definitely bothered me, and even more so when she walked through the door, clutching Edward's arm, and laughing haughtily. Her hair was a beautiful shade of strawberry blonde, and she swayed her hips like she was Miss Orange County. She had perky tits, legs forever, and yep. I hated her.

It was amusing to watch Edward's best buddies cringe at her mere presence, and I rested my chin in my palm to enjoy the show. Everyone, even Edward seemed less than thrilled that Tanya was there, as he cautiously avoided my eyes. Their attitude toward her only fueled my dislike. You couldn't have convinced Tanya she was unwelcome though, as her heels clicked on the floor while she made her rounds to say hello.

She paused after Rosalie gave her a half-hearted hug, her hands barely placed on Tanya's shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked me, her eyes evaluating my less than designer attire and my bored facial expression.

"Bella Swan," I replied, not missing a single beat. I didn't even lift my chin from my palm to shake her hand. Jasper was behind me then, his hand on my shoulder.

"Tanya, Bella and her dad just moved in across the street from me."

It was Tanya's turn to feign amusement at Jasper's words, and I could tell by the theatrical eye roll that she definitely thought less of him too.

"Oh, so you're from Huntington Beach, then?" Her expression was not openly mocking, but just enough that it rattled my nerves.

"Nope, I'm from Washington…"

"Bella! Let me give you the rest of the tour," Alice piped up. She gripped my hand firmly and I slid off the stool as she led me from the room, trailed by Rosalie. Edward's eyes remained on the floor as we passed, and a weary sigh escaped from his lungs.

None of us spoke on our way up the stairs, not until Alice's bedroom doors had been firmly shut, the lock in place.

"Whew," she breathed, resting against the wall. "She is a menace!"

I stayed silent and looked around Alice's room, adorned in pink and white designer bedding and what appeared to be antique, expensive furniture. There were pictures of their little group all around the room, framed by words like "True Love" and "Best Friends Forever." I giggled to myself. Alice was a cutie.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Rosalie said, her heavy words of apology uttered as she pulled her swimsuit from her bag. "She is a piece of work. Don't let her get to you though…"

"Oh, I'm not. I've dealt with her kind before." Lauren Mallory had found out the hard way that she could be put in her place. It amazed me that Tanya had not been put in hers.

"I can't believe he is still with her," Alice said in her singsong voice. She huffed and plopped down on her bed, pouty expression and all.

I moved to Alice's window and looked down at the pool area. Emmett had just lit the grill, and the three boys were toasting. Jasper was giving some kind of monologue, Edward ran his hand through his messy hair, and Emmett was all smiles.

Tanya sat in a lounge chair, furiously texting on her Blackberry. She wore a scowl and a teal bikini with sequins.

"So… why is someone like Edward with someone like her?" I asked with my back still turned to the girls. Neither of them answered right away, prompting me to turn and shoot both of them questioning gazes.

"Edward is just… too nice," Rosalie stated, matter-of-factly. "I mean he has his flaws, just like anyone else. But, he's just… not a heartbreaker."

_People like Tanya have hearts?_

"Your question would be one better directed at Edward," Alice finally spoke up. "As in, you should ask him. Because we would all love a straight answer."

Alice let me use her bathroom to change, and I glanced at my pale skin in her mirror, feeling extremely ordinary amongst the beautiful people. My hair was stringy and I had faint circles under my eyes. Not at all glamorous.

The phone vibrated on the counter, as if the fates had aligned just for me.

"Embry, tell me I'm not ordinary," I breathed into the phone.

"Um, what?"

"I'm standing in Alice Cullen's bathroom and just feel… completely out of my element. I need some validation. Reassurance. Give me _something._"

He laughed then, doing absolutely nothing for my pride. I huffed into the receiver.

"Bells, why are you worried? If you think you have to try and impress these kids, then maybe you're hanging with the wrong crowd." He paused. "Besides, you are definitely out of your element, but you're far from ordinary."

Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of Alice's bathroom to find her standing there tapping her toe, her eyebrows raised and lips pursed.

"Embry, um, I better go. Call you tonight?"

"You'd better! We all want to know how it goes!"

I hung up, meeting Alice's eager eyes. "Embry?" she asked. "Boyfriend?"

My cheeks flamed, and I brushed past her, anxious to smoke a cigarette. We emerged into the pool area, which was bathed in torchlight now, and looked like something from a movie. There wasn't just a pool, but also a hot tub, an outdoor kitchen, and a stone fire pit surrounded by big cushy chairs. Rosalie sat on Emmett's knee, while Jasper flipped hamburgers and took big swallows of his beer.

"Where did Tanya and Edward get off to?" Alice asked, flitting over to Jasper and kissing his cheek.

"Ugh," Emmett grimaced. "They are out front, yelling. Wait, maybe we can hear her car door slamming in anger."

We all paused, Emmett actually cupping his hand around his ear dramatically, and leaning toward the privacy fence.

"Fine, Edward! It's fine! If you didn't want me here, you could have just told me before I made a fool of myself!" Tanya was screeching.

"Tanya, you don't make it some big secret that you don't like my friends! That's why I didn't invite you! And every time you _are_ around them, you act like you are better than everybody!"

"Thank the Lord," Jasper muttered. "Old boy is finally gonna have his say." Emmett reached over and bumped Jasper's knuckles, the rest of us still listening intently.

"Maybe I will just go then, Edward," Tanya lowered her voice. "It's not like I'll be missing out on much with _those _friends of yours."

Alice gave a slight gasp, and Rosalie stood to march toward the gate leading to the front of the house. I stood also and wrapped my arm around her chest. She stopped her advances, even though she was a good six inches taller than me. Her icy eyes found mine then, and I simply shook my head. "He's got it, Rosalie," I whispered.

Tanya's car door slammed, Emmett jumped from his seat. The engine roared to life and Alice said, "YES."

Edward walked back through the gate, and everyone pretended to be in intense conversation, laughing and joking and totally sucking at covering it up. I never let my eyes leave Edward. He looked exhausted as he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, his gait slow and deliberate.

"Please, guys. Spare me," he sighed.

"What are you talking about, Edward?" Alice said. Alice was the worst at lying.

"I know you all heard that. Let's just please try to forget about it okay?"

Everyone nodded, agreeing to meet Edward's request and not mention Tanya for the rest of the evening. He moved away from the group then, shedding his t-shirt and the jeans he wore over his swim trunks and diving into the pool. The lean muscles of his back appeared again, and he mussed his wet hair with both hands, water droplets flying from his head like rain. My concentration was broken by Alice writhing in Jasper's arms, just before he tossed her into the pool.

"I'm going to get a drink," I mumbled, thinking that Edward could probably use one too. I grabbed two beers from the fridge and my cigarettes from my bag before heading back outside. Edward faced away from me. His arms draped along the sides of the pool as his lithe body rested against the edge. I took a deep breath and sat down on the edge, a few feet to his left. I rested my drinks and my cigarettes on the cement, and rolled up my pants legs. The water was tepid, like bath water, and it glowed a soft yellow from the underwater lights. I sighed, and sat one of the beers halfway between Edward and me. He observed me from his periphery, turning one side of his mouth up in a small smile.

"You look like you could use one of these," I said quietly, nodding toward the glass bottle, indicating he should take it.

"Thanks. You, um… you owe me a cigarette, ya know?" He gave me a sly look, then waded closer to where I sat. The water hit him just above his navel, the planes of his chest contoured and sinewy, his arms carved in slender muscle. Below the water's surface, I was able to see the long lines of his body, and I took them in stealthily. Edward was breathtaking. But this kind of breathtaking wasn't the same as what I was accustomed to back home. Embry was breathtaking to me as well, but he was made differently, cut from another mold. He was the bulk to Edward's lean physique. Embry was broader, bulkier from all those summers working at the mill. _You can compare their appearances all day, Swan. But you don't know Edward's soul. _

His grassy green eyes drew me from my thoughts, and I hurriedly lit a cigarette and handed it off to him. He smiled again before taking it, his fingers brushing mine just barely. I lit one for myself and swished my feet in the warm water, the ripples splashing the underside of my jeans just a bit. The quiet between Edward and I was overshadowed by the squeaks and squeals of Alice being tossed about in the water and Emmett blaring some ridiculous hip-hop song on the radio. Rosalie laughed at him while he showed her his version of dancing, which made me laugh from my spot by the pool.

"Having fun?" Edward asked. I looked over at him, cigarette smoke curling around his mass of hair like an angel's halo or a king's crown.

"Yeah, I am actually. Thank you for inviting me, Edward."

"Look, Bella. I'm incredibly sorry about earlier. Tanya can be…"

"Tenacious?" I interjected, a half-smile playing on my lips as I used one of the nicer adjectives that came to mind.

Edward's lips twitched. "Yeah, I guess that's the right word. She can be handful."

I snorted at his remark. It just slipped out. He eyed me for a few moments, the nodded in Jasper's direction. He had joined Alice in the pool, and was currently humming the theme song to _Jaws_ while Alice tiptoed away from him.

"Tanya was the same way toward Jasper when he moved… still is."

"She's quite the welcome wagon, Edward," I muttered with a grim smile, reaching down to splash water on my shins. He fell silent then, pulling cigarette smoke into his lungs slowly, his eyes pained and frustrated.

I felt bad for Edward… to have a hated girlfriend must have made it difficult for him to function within his group. But the expression he wore now was clear: he was unhappy. I had no way of knowing the particular source of his discontent… but it wasn't my place to chastise him for the company he kept. I reached over and placed my hand on his arm, startling him from the thoughts deep in the recesses of his mind.

"Hey, don't worry about it. You… and your family and friends. You've all made me feel more welcome than I ever expected. You guys have been really… nice. So, thank you."

His face softened then, and he flicked his cigarette away from us. I realized mine, too, had burned to the filter, and disposed of it over my shoulder.

"Well, Bella…" A mischievous grin spread slowly across Edward's lips, and he moved even closer to me now, the water moving with his body. "You won't be thanking me for long."

His hands shot out of the water and clamped tightly around my waist. I gasped, and felt the water swallow me and Edward as he fell back into the pool with my fully clothed body pressed tightly against him. The chlorine stung my eyes and nose, but I was amused on the inside. From beneath the water's surface, I moved my hands to his chest, pressing my palms flat against his muscles, and heaved away from him. A bubbly veil swam between us, but I could see his smile just the same. Sputtering and coughing a few times as I broke the surface, I swiped my hair from my eyes and looked into Edward's beautiful lopsided grin.

"You are such an asshole," I told him playfully, chuckling at his childish antics. He gave a slight wave of his hand and an, '_oh I already knew that'_ gesture. I peeled my wet shirt over my head then, and tossed it to the concrete, adjusting my bikini top while pointing in his direction.

"You better be glad I took my phone out of my pocket, Cullen."

"Yeah, yeah. Lose the pants, Bella." He winked at me then, and I blanched at his boldness. But I was a trooper, and I never backed down from a boy's practical jokes.

Hoisting myself back onto the concrete, I stood and peeled my soaking jeans from my body, using one hand to keep my swimsuit bottoms in place. Edward's eyes lingered on me for a few moments, causing a furious blush to creep up my chest, and Emmett whistled from over by the grill.

The rest of the night was spent in the water, alternating between the hot tub and swimming pool, which went from feeling like bathwater to a vat of ice after the stifling one-oh-two of the Jacuzzi.

Emmett finished the cheeseburgers, and we all stopped our water activities to eat. Liquor and beer were flowing freely through our systems, everyone laughing and making me feel as if I hadn't just met them a few short hours earlier. By the time Alice started drinking her fourth margarita, Jasper was anxious to get her upstairs and in bed, "before she does something wild."

"Yeah, we better get going too," Rosalie said, standing and stuffing her things back into her bag. We all said goodbye, and as the moved to walk through the Cullen's open kitchen, she paused with her eyes intently on me.

"You're pretty cool, Bella. I'm glad you came tonight."

I was glad I had come too, except that my clothes were soaking wet and I had nothing dry to wear home. After Rosalie and Emmett had left, and Jasper had carried Alice upstairs, I held up my sopping t-shirt and wrung more of the water from its fibers. Edward laughed at me with green eyes tinted red, another whiskey drink on the table in front of him, and I couldn't help but giggle too.

"It's not funny, Edward!" I launched the soaking shirt at him, smacking him lightly in the face with it. Which only made us laugh harder.

"What am I supposed to wear home?" I made a face at the pile of denim, not even attempting to rid it of its water weight.

"Come on, we'll find you something." Edward tossed a fluffy towel in my direction, and I wrapped it tightly around myself. He carefully picked up my drenched jeans, tossed them into the kitchen sink as he led me inside, igniting another round of soft laughter. He led me upstairs then, and into his room, its neutral colored walls and surprisingly modest décor creating a relaxing ambiance. I stood awkwardly in his doorway, afraid to advance any further into the private sector of his life. There was a shelf lined with a few trophies and awards, and a large framed photograph of the city lights of Chicago over his bed.

"Is that where you guys moved from? Chicago?" Edward spun around from his spot by the dresser, and looked over his shoulder at the photo.

"Oh… yeah. That was back when Carlisle made a modest living. We had the typical American suburban home. You know, white house, great yard, great neighborhood. Carlisle coached my little league team and Esme had Alice in ballet classes as soon as she could walk." He turned back to his dresser drawers, and yanked out a pair of soft grey sweatpants. I knew they would swallow me whole, but I welcomed their warmth anyway. I could roll them up. Edward moved to another drawer and laughed at the shirt he pulled out for me. It was black with the white Jack Daniels label stamped on the front.

"Representative of our relationship thus far," he smirked, holding the shirt up for my examination. I laughed and snatched the shirt from his hands clumsily. He steered me in the direction of his bathroom, and I giggled at the rubber ducky shower curtain and toothbrush holder.

From behind his closed bathroom door I called to him, "So did you pick out this lovely shower curtain, Edward?"

I could hear his muffled laughter, and then his sarcastic reply. "You want to go home wet, Bella?"

I was right about the sweat pants. They were huge. But they were comfy and they smelled like fresh linen. I emerged from the bathroom, my shuffling feet arrested at the site of Edward, who had donned plaid pajama pants and a white undershirt. He sat in his desk chair, long legs stretched out in front of him, the glow of the laptop computer bathing his face in soft blue light. There was a tugging feeling in my chest, something I couldn't place moving within me, and I stumbled over my next words. _I'm blaming all of this on the alcohol. _

"Um, thanks… for the clothes. I can wash them for you and return them."

He eyed me from his chair, and I shifted my weight awkwardly in the center of his room, uncomfortable with the way his stare made me feel. He rose and walked towards me, and I had to stop myself from backing away. Crossing his arms over his chest, a smile spread across his face.

"The pants, I do want back. The shirt… think of it as a gift. A present from the 'welcome wagon.'"

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A/N: So... I posted a couple of songs for a to-be-updated playlist. Go take a look on my profile. And if you have a song that reminds you of this fic, let me know the name! I love hearing from you guys! Your reviews mean the absolute WORLD.


	5. Live Your Life and Leave It

**Big up's to bratty-vamp (TWIN!) and soonermom for the beta'ing and... and JennyFly for being amazing.**  
**The response to this continues to overwhelm, and I love you all for it! I read every review.  
Song for this chapter: Happiness by The Fray  
Come play with us over at A Different Forest. You can find a link on my profile.**

***WARNING: THERE IS SOME DRUG USE IN THIS CHAPTER. I THINK IT'S MILD, YOU MAY DISAGREE.***

**Smeyer invented 'em, I'm taking 'em on a ride. **

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"_Though nothing can bring back the hour_

_Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;_

_We will grieve not, rather find_

_Strength in what remains behind..."_

~William Wordsworth

...................................

_I'll never forget the way the wind felt on my face that chilly November afternoon. Thanksgiving holidays were in full swing, and my eleven-year-old legs were moving swiftly to keep up with Embry and Jacob. Quil was grasping my hand tightly. He was the slowest. I was the clumsiest. It was more difficult for us to navigate the thick woods around the Quileute reservation than it was for the other two._

"_Embry! Jake! Wait for us!" My voice echoed off the enormous trees and Quil's panting breath was my only response. _

"_I am going to kill them, Quil. They always run too fast for us!"_

"_Yeah," he panted. "They do."_

_We were headed for a creek buried deep within the woods, which was more like a jungle to my young eyes. Jacob couldn't wait to see if it was frozen over yet, and lingering patches of white from a recent snowfall dotted our makeshift path. If that creek hadn't frozen over, it would be ice cold. _

_Mama didn't like for me to wander off into these woods, even if the boys were with me. I already had a scratch on my forearm from a stray tree branch. I was certain I would hear about it later._

_Of course, when it came time to "hike" to our destination, Embry and Jake had declared a race to the finish, and before Quil and I had had time to protest, they were sprinting ahead of us, boyish laughter filling the air. _

"_UGH!" I gave a growl-like noise and glanced at Quil once before snatching his hand and dragging him behind me. I wasn't going to let those two think we were sissies. _

_So our feet pounded the forest floor, jumping roots and dodging icy puddles. The air stung my eyes, tears blowing into the outer corners and drying on my skin. My cheeks were burning and I knew they would be blushed crimson. I could finally hear the creek in the distance, meaning it wasn't frozen, but indicating we were closing in on the other two. Their voices grew louder in my ears and Quil celebrated beside me, a happy sound squeaking out between broken breaths. _

_I could see Jacob's camouflage coat in the distance, the disjointed rays of rare sunshine reflecting off of Embry's silky hair. He smiled at me and waved us towards them, as Jake called, "Hurry up, slow pokes!"_

_Quil and I stopped just short of where they stood, our labored breathing loud in my ears, my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. The frosty air stung my lungs with every ragged gasp. I scowled first at Embry, who looked like he wanted to apologize for leaving us yet again, and then at Jacob, who was none the wiser to my anger. _

_Quil toppled over into the leaves and I leaned my body against the trunk of a very tall hemlock. "So, the creek's not frozen, Jake. What now?" _

_He turned from me and sprinted to the edge, his long legs carrying him over the bubbling waters with ease. "Let's go exploring," he called from the other side. _

"_I'm not… jumping across… that creek…" Quil was still panting and was now sprawled out on his back. _

_Embry shrugged silently, and I begged him with my eyes not to jump. But soon he was leaping across too, and Jacob began daring me. _

"_Bella! Bet you won't jump the creek! Don't be a chicken, Bella!" _

_My eyes widened in fear and shock. Was he serious? I was much smaller then the two of them, and as I edged to the shoulder of the creek bed and looked down, I knew I would never make the jump. Still, I didn't make a habit of backing down from this group of boys I considered my family. We had all gotten in trouble many times for my being 'wounded in battle,' as my dad said. When Embry jumped from the top step of the tree house, I had jumped too. He landed safely; I twisted my ankle. When Jacob had first conquered the back flip on the trampoline, I attempted it too. And broke my wrist. It was the name of the game we played. _

_Embry's wide eyes darted to mine momentarily, and he looked as if he didn't want me to jump. He knew I wouldn't make it, knew that it was just another accident waiting to happen. He also knew I was still going to. _

_Jacob was always the optimist however. He dared me to jump, and called me a chicken, but his smile was never devious. I guess he just expected that one day he would challenge me to something and I would defy my very clumsy nature. _

_Marching a few steps back, hoping to gain a running start, I sprinted to the edge and felt my feet lift my tiny body into the air. A small squeak escaped my lips and, when it became apparent I was headed for the shallow water below, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to brace myself for the inevitable landing in the rocky bottom. _

_The water was so cold, it burned my skin. And when my leg twisted awkwardly beneath me and against the rather large rock, all of my weight crashing down on top of it, a disgusting snapping sound filled my ears. The pain was so strong and the sound so unmistakable, bile rose up in my throat, and I sucked in a huge breath to prevent myself from vomiting. My hands flew to my leg, the throbbing pain becoming too much, and several whimpers pushed past my lips before erupting into full-fledged wails. My body rocked back and forth, my tears flowing freely now, and soon water was splashing all around me as the boys came to my perpetual rescue. _

"_Bella. Bella. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have made you jump," Jake was frantic, holding on rather tightly to my arm. I could barely hear him over my own screams. Quil stood back, his legs half submerged in the water, a fearful expression on his face. I finally opened my eyes as Embry pried my fingers away from my lower leg. _

"_We have to get her out of the water, Jake. She'll get sick AND have a broken leg. Ms. Renee's already gonna kill us!" _

_I reached for Embry, my fingers grasping the sleeve of his jacket, my teeth clattering from the wet cold seeping through my clothes. My head fell against Jake's shoulder, already exhausted and hiccupping through my tears. _

_Quil looked around us, searching for the best place to pull me from the creek. He pointed just down stream, to a patch of land that was more sloping and less of a complete drop-off, about twenty feet away. _

"_We can pull her up easier if we move down that way!"_

_Getting me to stand was no easy task, but between Jake and Embry, I was able to support my weight on one foot long enough to hop several times. Embry took off his overcoat and positioned it on the dry ground._

"_Bella, you're gonna sit on my jacket and we're gonna pull you up this hill, okay? But you have to try and stay balanced or you'll fall again."_

_I nodded my head in understanding, brushing the wetness from my face, and jutting my chin out wordlessly. _

_Luckily, this portion of the creek was not as hazardous. Jacob and Quil each grabbed a sleeve of Embry's jacket and started tugging me up the incline. Embry stood facing me, fistfuls of his coat in his hands, careful not to bump my leg. His hair was slightly wet and there was dirt under his fingernails. He avoided my eyes as he barely whispered, "I'm sorry."_

_Quil's sweatshirt was the driest, so once we were out of the water, he pulled it over his head and tugged it over my own. We must have been at least a half-mile in the woods, and we all knew the situation was not good. Either someone had to leave to go for an adult, or I was hopping back to La Push. The sun was setting slowly, the temperature was dropping, and we had no flashlight. _

"_Embry, Quil… I'm gonna run back to the rez and get my dad. Charlie is still with him, I'm sure, and this is my fault anyway…"_

"_No, we shouldn't leave anyone here," Quil argued. Embry was now kneeling down next to me, attempting to get a better look at my leg. Jacob and Quil continued to argue about staying or leaving. _

"_Can I roll your jeans up, Bella?" Embry's voice was quiet, his eyes sad. I let his fingers gently roll up the leg of my pants, and we both cringed at the swollen limb, my whimpers becoming anxious. Frightened. _

"_Quil, I'm going… I'm going to get help!" Jacob was becoming frustrated. _

"_Bella, I shouldn't have let you jump. I thought about stopping you, but you always get so mad at me…"_

"_Embry, it's okay." I swiped the sleeve of my shirt across my runny nose and tugged on my hair. "Do you think my leg is… is it broken?"_

_He shrugged, eyeing the stiff way I braced myself. "Do you think you could lean on us through the woods?"_

_I nodded, looking in Embry's eyes determinedly. Jacob and Quil continued their useless banter in the background. _

"_Hey! No one is leaving anyone," Embry exclaimed. They both paused and turned their attention to us. "We're gonna take turns helping Bella. If it gets any later, Charlie will be looking for us anyway." _

_Jake shot questioning eyes in my direction and I nodded my head in confirmation. We had to get out of the woods and he knew it. So he and Quil helped me up, and with an arm around each of their shoulders, we clumsily lumbered back towards La Push. _

_As it turned out, we really hadn't gone that far into the woods. It still took twice the time, and when we emerged from the woods several yards from Jacob's back porch, I was happy to sit and wait for Quil and Embry to return with my father and Billy Black. _

_Charlie wasn't too upset about me falling into the creek. Billy wrapped a heavy coat around my shoulders and ran back to call my mother while Charlie gingerly carried me to his cruiser. _

_I was less than thrilled about another visit to the Forks Community Hospital. And even less thrilled I would be arriving in the back of the Police Chief's cruiser. _

"_Chief?" Embry's quiet voice could barely be heard from my spot inside the backseat of the cruiser. I strained to lift my upper body to resting on my elbows before he spoke again. _

"_Would it be okay if I rode to the hospital with you and Bella?" He fidgeted with his fingers, avoiding my ever-present gaze. Charlie stood with his hands on his hips, a stern expression on his face, worry still tingeing his features. Worry that was mirrored in Embry's young eyes. _

_As they settled into their respective seats, I laid my head back and burrowed deeper into Quil's warm sweatshirt. He turned and smiled at me through the divider, a caring beautiful smile. I felt… relief… that he was there with me. Knowing he was close by always gave me a strange sense of comfort, a peaceful feeling. _

_Embry Call had been one of my best friends all my life. _

_But it was that day, thinking of how Embry had taken care of me in the woods and looking into his gentle face, that I realized he would be much more than my friend someday. _

_........................................._

"I swear, Embry. I have never been inside a house that immaculate."

Between the late hour and combination of whiskey and beer, I had passed out as soon as Jasper dropped me off the night before. Jake and Embry had called first thing the next morning, and after patronizing me for drinking too much, they passed the phone back and forth for info on Casa de Cullen. Jake wanted to know what kind of cars they drove, Embry asked about architecture and construction.

I did my best to convey the appearance of the Cullen home, but so far 'immaculate' was the best and most efficient word I could think to use. Embry laughed into the phone, and I could hear Jake in the background asking something about my new 'friends.'

"Jake wants to know if the Cullen's and their friends act like a bunch of spoiled brats… like we see on those reality shows."

"Well… I could see how they would have room to behave that way. But they really don't. They're surprisingly really cool people. I half expected _everyone_ here to be a stuck-up ass to the poor kid from Forks. So far… only Edward's girlfriend has treated me differently. She makes Lauren Mallory look like Mary Poppins."

They laughed with me over comments like those, and sighed in amazement over the fact that Edward drove a Range Rover and Rosalie very obviously had been the driver of that red BMW. I smoked my last cigarette on the back patio in the warm sun, the smell of the salty ocean filling my nostrils, and thought what a great day it would be to go to the beach… Jake wanted me to go out and buy a surfboard immediately, one they could all use when they came down for a visit.

_Knock, knock, knock._

Charlie had left for work, and there was a light rapping on the front door. I could faintly hear it through the house and craned my neck to hear the sound again.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Hey, Embry?" I started through the house, making my way toward the front door. "Someone's at my door. Can you hang on a sec?"

I flung the door open to see Alice Cullen smiling broadly and Rosalie Hale leaning casually against the porch railing.

"Hi, Bella!" Alice was cheerfully waving a pack of Camels in my face. "Edward sent these over. Said he 'owed you.'"

"Umm… thanks? Come in." I turned my attention back to the phone.

"Sorry guys, I have company. I better go…"

Before I had time to register what was happening, Rosalie had snatched the phone from me and pressed it tightly against her own ear. My mouth gaped and my eyes widened before reaching for the phone on pure impulse.

"Rosalie… what are you…" To no avail, my efforts were futile. She strong-armed me away, her pink fingers resting against the center of my chest and holding me away from her… and from my clueless friends on the other line.

"Hello? With whom am I speaking?" Her voice was sultry and seductive, and Alice giggled furiously next to me. I turned my wide eyes on her then and prayed that Rosalie wouldn't say anything I would regret.

"Jake?" _Wonderful._ Rosalie glanced at me and winked at my exasperated expression. "Well, I never met a Jake who wasn't sexy as hell." _Someone shoot me._ "Who's there with you, Jake? Oh, Embry? Oh sure, put him on too." J_esus Christ. I need a drink._ "Hi Embry. My name's Rosalie…"

I couldn't take it anymore. I launched myself full force at Rosalie and plucked the phone from her ear.

"Alright, everyone had enough fun? I'm hanging up now, ok?"

I could hear Jake's shouted goodbye in the background and Embry chuckled softly into the receiver.

"Later Bells. Miss you."

"Yeah," I lowered my voice. "Miss you, too."

Alice and Rosalie were settling into their positions on barstools, eyes eager and waiting. Alice slid the pack of cigarettes across the counter, and I quickly scooped them up.

"Thanks. I mean, tell Edward I said thanks."

"You can tell him yourself… you'll be seeing him tonight at the beach."

"So, Bella… Jake and Embry?" Rosalie's flawless face looked inquisitively around our humble abode before her eyes met my own. She looked me over, taking in Edward's t-shirt and the ratty jeans I had thrown on that morning. She raised her eyebrows and I protected myself by crossing my arms over my chest. "And they would be…?"

"Friends!" I answered too quickly. "Friends from back home. Best friends."

"Embry misses you," Alice retorted, a playful smile gracing her features. "Sure he's not a little more than a friend? Hmmm?"

_Is this chick a mind-reader or something?_

I rolled my eyes, pulled a cigarette from the pack and a beer from the fridge, not caring if Charlie noticed he was one drink shy of a six-pack. I lifted the bottle at them and Rosalie snatched the beer from my hand and took a giant gulp. Lighting my cigarette and fleeing for the open back door quickly, I could only hope that they would just… get on with it and be on their way. But they followed me.

"Bella, we came by to see if you were busy today. Maybe we could all go do something." Alice looked a bit sheepish, as if she expected I wouldn't want to be seen in public with them or something.

"Yeah, so what did you have planned for the afternoon?" Rosalie handed the beer back to me and waited for my response.

"Well, um… I'm supposed to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things for the house. We have no food. Charlie gets antsy when there's no food in the house."

"There's a great little market on the beach," Alice supplied. "We could help out! You don't have a car, so it might be hard for you to shop for groceries without us."

"Well, Lord knows I've seen enough of my back patio. I wouldn't mind learning my way around a bit…"

"Sure… but I want the royal tour here first." Rosalie breezed back inside, Alice quickly on her heels, and I was forced to abandon my half-smoked cigarette.

They didn't make me feel ashamed of our more humble home, and when we finally made it to my room, Alice casually sprawled across my bed. She grabbed a magazine from my table and began thumbing through it slowly.

I sat in my new desk chair and kept careful eyes on Rosalie as she approached the pictures lining my bookcase.

"Are these the guys that were just on the phone?" Rosalie gave me an inquisitive glance and Alice raised her eyes from the magazine.

I went to stand by the blonde beauty as she pointed at the individual pictures of me with my friends.

"Yeah…" I began pointing each of them out. "That's Quil… and that's Jake…"

"And this one is… Embry?" She tapped the frame with her pink fingernail.

I drew in a shallow breath, lingering on the happy faces in the photo. "Yeah… that's Embry."

"Your best friends? But Embry. He's more… isn't he?"

My eyes wandered to hers. Her expression was understanding, the intuition written clearly on her flawless face. She smiled gently, and I knew she knew, even if I said nothing.

"Yeah. He's more." I expected them to ask for more information, and was poised to give them a more elaborate explanation if they asked. But Alice just smiled and continued flipping through her magazine, and Rosalie set the picture back on the bookshelf and moved to stand by the window.

"So, do we want to take Bella to the market?" she asked Alice.

"I think that would be cool! And then we could show her around before tonight."

"Yeah, about that… you keep mentioning tonight. What's going on tonight?"

Alice's eyes instantly became excited. "We're having a bonfire tonight! On the beach! Please say you'll come, Bella!" By now she had hopped from the bed and was bouncing on the balls of her tiny feet.

"I'll have to ask Charlie… I got in kind of late last night." I gave them a sheepish grin, evoking a dramatic eye roll from Rosalie.

"I like your shirt by the way." She was finally making her statement about me wearing Edward's t-shirt.

"That's it. I'm changing."

I grabbed a black tank top from the dresser and headed to the bathroom. I could hear Rose and Alice snickering, and I smiled to myself on the way out. The idea of seeing Edward later caused my stomach to do nervous little flips, and my mind screamed in opposite directions because of it. _Why shouldn't you be excited to hang out with your new friends?_

As I discarded Edward's shirt into the dirty clothes hamper, I decided it would be best to enjoy the afternoon with the girls and focus on nothing else.

About an hour later, Alice, Rosalie, and I walked down Main Street. The doors to the shops and restaurants were flung open, and a light breeze rustled the sunny atmosphere. I was a stark contrast to my companions, with my slightly grungy clothes, messy hair, and beat-up Chuck Taylor's. Rosalie's long legs were revealed beneath her white denim shorts paired with a flowing light blue camisole. Alice's green eyes matched her sundress, and both girls had perfectly pedicured toenails. I cringed inwardly at my own toenails, safely hidden inside my socks and sneakers.

People were staring, and I knew it. But Rosalie and Alice never gave any indication that I was some kind of charity case or that they noticed the cautious stares of others. Even as we entered one of the little boutiques, with clothes far too expensive for my taste, Rose and Alice remained nonchalant to the prying eyes of the store clerks.

I could feel my cheeks reddening as I noticed one of the girls in the shop lift her hand to whisper to her friend. I could only imagine what they were saying… I had spent enough time around the elitists of Forks High to know.

"Hey, girls… I'm just gonna step outside and have a smoke. I'll, um, wait out there." With a discreet nod of my head, Alice and Rose took notice of the gossiping girls in the shop.

"Oh, Bella. Don't worry about what people say! We don't."

"Thanks, Alice. You're sweet…"

"Look, Bella," Rosalie began, her voice raised slightly louder than Alice's had been. "You didn't back down from me. And you didn't back down from Tanya Denali, either. You're not gonna let people like _that_ get to you, are ya?" She blatantly pointed at the two girls across the store, and their giggling immediately ceased. I turned my eyes to them then, their designer sunglasses and expensive handbags adorning their already snobby appearance.

When they saw my eyes settle on them, they immediately turned their noses up at me.

_You don't belong with people like that, Bells. Jacob's right, you're better than them._ Embry's words rang loudly in my ear, and I felt their full weight spark something inside of me. I pulled myself up to my full height, clenching my fists into little determined balls.

As I blew the girls a kiss and flipped them the bird, their expressions shifted from haughty to shocked.

"Oh my God," Rosalie said. "You really don't give a shit, do you Bella?"

We all laughed on our way through the shop door, leaving the California princesses in our wake.

"Hey, let's get ice cream," Alice suggested, gliding to the ice cream shop before either of us had time to respond. Rosalie shrugged her shoulders and I chuckled lightly at my new friends.

Rosalie ordered a standard vanilla cone. Alice had pistachio. But when I saw their strawberry ice cream with enormous chunks of _real_ strawberries, my decision was easily made.

We sat at a small table on the boardwalk, overlooking the ocean. The waves crashed against the beach, and clusters of fearless surfers did their best to ride their boards all the way to the shore. The air was hot, so we ate our ice creams quickly.

"Bella, you lived near the coast in Washington, didn't you?" Alice gave me an inquisitive look. I had a feeling she had done her research.

"Yeah, um, it was just a short drive to the Quileute reservation…"

"That's where your friends lived?" she interjected casually.

"Yeah, Alice. That's where my friends lived. I spent a lot of time down there too. It was different there. Not much sun, rained a lot, pretty uncommon to see people just walking around in their swimsuits."

Alice giggled at me, her tiny hand coming to cover her mouth. "I told you we'd be great friends."

Alice pushed the metal shopping cart through the aisles of the grocery store, occasionally jumping onto the back of it and riding out the momentum she created. Rosalie and I tossed random items in for purchase. Charlie had left our emergency credit card with instructions to make sure I bought some of his favorite things.

"Hey, Rose! We should go ahead and get beer for tonight," Alice chirped.

I paused, looking back and forth between my new friends. "Wait, how do you guys procure all the alcohol you consume anyway?"

"Oh, Bella." Rosalie whipped a shiny card from her wallet, where her likeness sat perfectly, the birthday altered to make her a grown up twenty-two. I had never seen a _real_ fake ID… if the boys and I had ever wanted alcohol, we just asked Sam Uley or one of his friends buy it for us. We probably could have bought it ourselves… it was a well-known fact that the owner of the liquor store down in La Push sold to minors.

I snatched the card from her fingers, and held it next to her face for comparison purposes.

"Rosalie… it looks just like you," I whispered. "Where can I get one of those?"

"Well, I can have one made for you, no problem." She added several cases of beer to the cart, while Alice gently lowered four bottles of champagne against the metal grate. "It's gonna cost you though," she concluded.

"Well, I'll have to save up some cash… I don't really have a whole lot right now. How much?"

"Around seventy bucks. I'll ask Emmett if his friend can give us a discount." She winked at me, and I smiled back. _Charlie will freak if he finds out I have a fake ID… oh well!_

Rosalie and Alice helped me unload the groceries after driving me back to the house. Alice retreated to Jasper's, with instructions for me to walk over right before dark so we could walk down to the beach. Rosalie left to head home before meeting up with Emmett and Edward.

I was setting out more living room décor when Charlie entered the front door.

"Hey dad… whoa, don't you look handsome!"

Charlie's new detective job entailed some of the same things as police chief of Forks, but instead of his usual cop uniform, he was dressed in a pair of black slacks and a green button up. Even though his sleeves were casually rolled up to his elbows, I wasn't used to seeing Charlie that dressed up.

He ducked his head a bit and rubbed his chin bashfully.

"Um, thanks Bells. Did you um, get anything for dinner? I'm starved…"

"Oh, yeah! I picked up plenty of stuff for sandwiches, things for breakfast in the morning, and thought maybe I'd make that chicken casserole you like for dinner tomorrow."

He looked around the room appreciatively, taking in the few pictures I had hung on the wall and the curtains from our old house.

"You've been busy today kiddo. Thanks for all your help." He walked over and kissed the top of my head, hugging my body closely to his.

"I'm gonna make us some sandwiches," he suggested. He flung the fridge open and removed the packages of deli sliced ham and turkey, along with some cheese slices. "Which for you, Bella? Ham and cheese, just the way you like it?"

After the sandwiches and small talk, Charlie went to shower and get ready for a night of baseball on the flat screen. I fled to my room and decided to change before going to the beach. I pulled a purple t-shirt out of my closet and ran nervous fingers through my messy hair. My cheeks were flushed a soft pink, and I decided to pass on any make-up. The sky was slowly darkening, now stained a deep shade of orange.

I slumped across the hall to brush my teeth, tapping my foot at myself impatiently. I ran the brush through my hair, only to drag my fingers through it again. _Why the fuck are you so nervous, Bella?_

If I were being honest with myself, I knew I was anxious to see Edward again. Sure, I was happy to be hanging out with Jasper and the others too, but Edward… there was something about him. Something that created a twisting pain inside my chest. I began to wonder if his girlfriend would be there tonight? Would they be fighting again?

"Dad, I'm going out with Jasper and Alice again. Is that okay?"

Charlie looked up from the baseball game, and noticed my hand resting on the doorknob to the front door. Even if he were the over-bearing type, he was unable to deny me new friendships, and that fact was written plainly on his face. The corners of his mouth turned up in another excited smile, and I interrupted him before he could begin the obligatory father questions.

"Honestly, Dad. I'll be within walking distance. It won't be hard to find me if you need me. I will try to be home earlier than last night. And yes I have my cell phone and it's charged." I smiled at him sweetly, and he surrendered.

"Alright, Bells. Have fun."

I knocked on the Whitlock's front door tentatively, listening for sounds coming from the inside. Joy Whitlock slowly opened the door, her silhouette enhanced from the hallway light burning dimly in the ceiling.

"Bella?" Her eyes were warm and inviting… motherly. She motioned for me to enter. "Come in, dear. Jasper and Alice are out back waiting on you. It's just this way..."

Jasper's house was almost identical to ours, only it had been lived in for longer. It was cozy and accented with warm lighting and the touch of Joy Whitlock. _A mother's touch. _

Jasper and Alice were sitting at the patio table, Alice with her tiny legs resting across Jasper's lap. They both gave exuberant smiles and jumped from their chairs.

"You kids have fun tonight, okay? But be careful." Mrs. Whitlock placed a quick kiss on her son's cheek, and he blushed furiously.

"Yes ma'am," he mumbled. "Bella, ready to head out?"

"Absolutely."

As soon as Jasper's mom had shut the door, he scrambled to the shrubs and retrieved his hidden case of beer, brushing stray pieces of mulch from the cardboard box. His broad smile was like warm sunshine, even in the darkness.

"Ladies… shall we?" He hoisted the beer onto his shoulder, supporting it like someone from the 80's would support a boom box.

Alice walked with her tiny hand tucked into Jasper's larger one, and her opposite arm linked with mine. It was nice, feeling accepted by this new group of people. They knew very little about me, and had already taken me under their wing. Everyone, especially Edward, had made me feel that nothing from my past was relevant to whether or not they would continue to be my friends. The phone in my back pocket vibrated, and the name attached to the text message caused a bout of restlessness in my stomach.

It had been hours since I'd even thought of my friends back home.

_Drinking again tonight? –Embry_

_It's highly likely. Alice and Rosalie bought a bunch of beer and champagne this afternoon. –Bella_

_I miss you. Have fun. –Embry_

My heart swelled with longing for him in that moment, knowing that he had a hold on my emotions like no other. Yes, I missed him too. But did I really want to be the girl glued to the phone with her out of town love interest?

_The journey is the reward._

I knew that this was a test. All of this. Maybe one day, I could go back to Forks and pick up life where I left it… with Embry, and the others. But today, I was in California. With new friends. And they were nice. They had included me without a second thought.

The sand on the beach was cool between my toes, as I slid my sandals off and tucked them beneath my arm. Emmett and Rosalie were sitting in two of the six fold out chairs circling the bonfire, his arm draped lightly around her shoulders.

"Hi kids!" Emmett boomed, smiling broadly as we approached the fire pit. "Pull up a chair. Beer's in the cooler over here." He thumped a massive hand on the lid of a large blue Igloo ice chest, and Jasper went over to deposit his drinks inside.

"Girls, what're you having?" Rosalie sipped straight from the green glass of a cheap champagne bottle and offered it to me to taste. It was sweet and bubbly and like heaven in my throat.

"I want what she's drinking," I exclaimed. Jasper popped the cork on a new bottle, holding it away from himself as some of the liquid fizzed through the open top.

"Hey, Emmett? Where's my brother?" Alice quirked an inquisitive eyebrow at our husky companion and he gave a small sigh, rolling his eyes dramatically.

"He walked back to the car to get something," he explained, motioning over his shoulder toward the parking lot. "He and Tanya had it out when we first got here, and she left again. I think he's pretty bummed, but he should be back in a few. Probably just needed some time to think."

"He should just dump her flat on her ass… I will never understand why he keeps putting up with her shit," Jasper opened a beer and flopped down in the chair next to Emmett. They continued to trade remarks about Edward's shitty relationship, laughing occasionally at each other.

I glanced around us slowly, trying not to draw attention to the fact that I was _looking _for Edward. I couldn't help but feel bad for him… he seemed like such a great guy. Did he have a self-respect issue? A self-confidence issue? He seemed to exude confidence, especially when it had just been the two of us. I recalled how his eyes had raked over me after tossing me into the swimming pool, how he had approached me so seductively in his bedroom upon seeing me in his clothes. He was unabashed… knowing he had some kind of power over me if he chose to use it.

I sat in one of the chairs, the waves of the ocean singing their cadence even over the music Emmett had streaming from his stereo. The flames of our bonfire warmed the air around us, and I participated in the conversation as much as possible while still keeping an eye out for Edward.

And then he was there.

Dragging heavy feet through the sand and out to the lifeguard tower a few yards away. I knew no one else had taken notice of him, but I could see the glowing tip of his cigarette through the darkness. His silhouette was a perfect lithe outline against the night sky, graceful despite his hunched shoulders and weary movements. Pretending that I needed to make a phone call, I excused myself from the group and made my way toward the tower, heavy green champagne bottle in tow.

My feet padded lightly against the wooden steps, and I flipped my phone open with the premise of appearing to send a text. Edward was leaning against the wall, his face turned toward the water and bathed in summer moonlight. The ocean breeze tossed wayward strands of his bourbon mop across his forehead. I faked shock at his presence.

"Oh! Hey, Edward. I didn't know you were out here." I tried to sound friendly, afraid of what he might be feeling at that particular moment.

His green eyes met mine then, and I noticed that it wasn't the end of a cigarette I had seen from afar. Edward was getting high, and I couldn't pull my eyes away from him.

He examined the joint resting easily between his thumb and forefinger, then looked up at me again.

"Tanya doesn't like it when I smoke pot… she thinks it's trashy. It's different though, when she's snorting coke at a party. The same fucking rules don't apply to her." His voice was bitter, angry. I moved slowly and lowered myself next to him, leaving a few inches of space between us.

I didn't know why I had sought him out… something told me he needed a friend. While I didn't have to know much to know I disliked Tanya, this was my attempt at presenting a non-biased opinion.

"Emmett said you two had a fight… are you… are you okay?"

He gave a tight smile and offered me the thin, paper-wrapped herb. It smelled foul, yet tempting. Alluring. Dizzying. Much like Edward himself.

"Been a while since I've been stoned, Edward." I carefully plucked the joint from between his long fingers and brought it to my lips. The smoke caught in my chest for a moment, before I exhaled in all its acrid glory. I was relaxed then, taking in more of what was around me. The ocean drowned out the scattered beats of Emmett's blaring music, making it sound as if it were miles away. I took another hit before passing it back to him, relishing the slow thrum echoing in my limbs.

"Wow. This is really good weed." I let my head fall back against the wall, disjointed and lazy, before turning to face him.

Edward's smile grew instantly, an invisible weight lifting from his shoulders. Before taking another puff, he raised a beer bottle to his lips, small beads of condensation dripping onto his wrist. The wind tossed his hair again, and I felt a biting urge to smooth the silken strands from his face.

"So… feel like maybe telling me what happened with you and Tanya? I'm a good listener." _Just as long as I can stare into your eyes._

He gave a derisive snort then and passed the joint back to me. I could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind, carefully choosing his next words.

"She's just… I mean, it's like… I spend so much time… SHIT!" He turned to look me dead in the eye, an angry light shimmering in their verdant depths. "She's a fucking bitch, Bella!"

I couldn't help it. Edward Cullen had just called his girlfriend a bitch and I giggled.

They always say laughter is the best medicine. And it's contagious. And when Edward started laughing with me, everything else seemed to fall away.

"Is that usually the type you go for, Mr. Cullen? The proverbial bitch?"

"Oh, low blow, Swan!" Peals of laughter rang through the night air as he poked me repeatedly in the ribs.

The smoke was getting to both of us, and as our laughter died down, I shifted things back to my original purpose: to see if Edward was _really_ okay.

"So, have things always been this way? With Tanya, I mean?"

He sighed heavily and tugged on his hair in frustration.

"I don't know. No, they haven't always been this way. When I first moved here, Tanya was… _nice._ Or at least I thought she was."

There was a moment of quiet then, charging the space between us as I thought about the best way to proceed. I still wanted to present a neutral stance, for Edward's sake, but with each frustrated sigh and wistful eye-roll, my neutrality became difficult to hold on to.

I took a long swallow of champagne and cleared my scratchy throat before continuing, my actions causing Edward to raise his eyes to mine again.

"Well. Edward. I don't know you all that well, but I don't see you as the type to stay with someone this long if they were always bitchy to you. And to your friends. So, when did things change?"

"I guess after about a year. I don't know… Tanya just became very demanding. And high-maintenance. And bossy…"

"Um, I get your point." I smiled at him gently and his face softened considerably. My own voice felt heavy leaving my lips, the marijuana throwing me into a sleepy haze. Edward's grin matched my own.

"You know what else I think I know, Edward?"

"Hmm?"

I ran a hand through my hair and shivered a little against the cool breeze, my bare arms breaking out into the gooseflesh I knew Edward would notice.

"Oh! You're cold. Didn't Alice tell you to bring a jacket?" He unzipped his hoodie and pulled his long arms from the sleeves, then opened it to me, suggesting I take it.

"Um, are… are you sure you won't be cold?"

"Bella. Take the damn hoodie. Please." He smiled sweetly, and helped me slide my arm into one sleeve.

"You must like giving away your clothes," I quipped, angling my torso to tuck my other arm in.

He gave a deep chuckle, a throaty, seductive sound. "You must like wearing them…"

Somehow, in that short stretch of time, I turned to Edward and placed my hand on his forearm, studying his face with care and concern. His eyes were glassy, the blood red tainting the green I was so enamored with. It was impossible to stop myself.

"Edward, I think you deserve better… to be happier." My voice was soft, trembling behind my sluggish mouth. Edward's eyes darted back and forth between my own, his breath caught in his chest, his hand curled around my own arm where I had touched him. There was no sound, the rest of the world hazy, swirling around us in slow motion, Edward and I seemed suspended in time.

The corner of his mouth pulled up in a lopsided grin. _The lopsided grin._ He looked as if he had something very important he wanted to say, but he hesitated to do so. My eyes widened involuntarily, anxious for his next move, afraid of what it might be. Had I said too much? I always had an undeniable ability to be too forward, too presumptuous where it was uncalled for.

"I'm really stoned, Bella."

His words shocked me, and his goofy smile broke me from my trance, freed me from the moment of fear I had just experienced. We laughed together again, and he pulled me up from the porch.

"We should probably get back over there… I've done enough brooding for one night." His voice was soft, but playful, raspy from too much smoking and too much wind. He offered me his hand in what I could only assume was a friendly gesture and I glanced at it briefly before placing my much smaller hand in his grip. As we trudged through the sand together, I looked at the young couples sitting around the fire. The warmth of Edward's fingers around my own was an extension of the way this entire group had brought me into their fold. And for the first time… I knew that, if I allowed myself, I really would be able to find happiness here.

* * *

So, you know the drill.... leave a review, let me know what you're thinkin'. Who are YOU pullin' for?


	6. Hello Hurricane

**Oh, wow. Almost a whole month. I really hate that it took so long, and I am here begging your forgiveness. **

**I'm still actively updating my LBO playlist, and if there's a song you REALLY think needs to be on, PM ME! **

**The round of thank you's: my fic wife, bratty-vamp, and the eternal giver of the candy, soonermom. They are such awesome helpers and this would not have happened without them. Jennyfly, because she makes me always want to write just a little bit better. **

**AND ADF. BECAUSE THE PEOPLE THERE ARE COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE AND SUCH AN AMAZING GROUP. Seriously, come play with us. www (dot) adifferentforest (dot) com**

* * *

_"Only those who risk are truly free." -unknown_

Flashback

_The shore of La Push beach was riddled with rocks and cliffs, dotting the coastline in clusters, towering toward the heavens like God's very own skyscrapers. My mama would take me for long walks on that beach, mostly when Charlie was off fishing with Billy._

_She would let me climb on the whitewashed driftwood, would spin us around and around until the dark sand flew up all around us. _

_It was April and I was twelve. We had gone with my father to see Billy and Jake, and the boys had upset me when a game of catch turned into "keep away from Bella." I was hurt and confused, mostly by Embry, who laughed along with the others until he saw me cry. When my mother saw the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks, she scooped me up and hauled me down to the beach. Jake knew I would be okay, but Embry's gaze lingered on mine just long enough to show his remorse._

_The beach was a sanctuary, a place of quiet and solitude when it was just my mom and I. She had wrapped us in one of Grandmother Swan's old quilts and she pulled me in close to shield me from the chilly wind. She smelled like sweet mint and patchouli, as she had all my life. _

_We talked about everything most days, and I usually never hesitated to confide in her. Today, the courage escaped me, even as my mom pressed a reassuring kiss to my cheek and pulled me in even closer. I was burning hot with anger at my friends, but there was something else weighing heavily on my mind. _

"_What is it, Bella? Something is making you nervous."_

_I released the breath I'd been holding, and it came out in a tired sigh._

"_You know you can tell me anything, don't you honey? No secrets between us."_

"_I know Mom, its just..." The words began escaping me again, but I knew that I needed her comfort, her advice. "How old were you when a boy first kissed you?" My cheeks flushed hot, the words rushing from my mouth. The flame of my embarrassment was only made worse at my mother's hearty laughter. _

"_Oh, my silly Bella! Is that what all this is about?" My head nodded almost involuntarily, my heart eager to receive the calming influence of the woman I revered so much. _

"_Well," she began slowly, "_has _a boy kissed you yet?" My courage faltered and I slowly shook my head._

"_Is there a boy you had in mind? Someone special?" _

_There was, but I wasn't ready to tell her yet, even as she eyed me curiously and as if she already knew the answer. I let my shoulders rise and fall in an uncertain shrug. My mom saw right through my façade, and instead of pushing, she simply quirked an eyebrow and moved on. _

"_Well, I was your age." Her slim arms tightened around me as she recounted her tale of a first crush ending in a sweet and innocent kiss. _

"_Were you nervous?" I asked shyly._

_She was momentarily taken aback, but then very matter-of-factly stated, "Horrified! Of course!" _

_I couldn't look her in the eye, a part of me felt so wrong for disclosing my desire to kiss a boy. I felt like she would think I was too young, not ready, too immature. _

_But my mother smoothed my messy ponytail and gave my back a gentle rub. _

"_Bella, just remember it should be something special. Something you will remember for the rest of your life. If you want a boy to kiss you, let it happen. There's no hurry, baby girl." _

_I hesitated, her words soaking into my pores with the damp Washington air. I fiddled with my finger underneath the quilt, picking at my cuticles and pulling at the skin. The waves crashed onto the sand, the relaxing melody of a lullaby sung over and over again. But still… there was more I needed to know. _

"_But… what if… what if the boy you want to kiss won't ever kiss you. What if he doesn't see you the way you see him? What if it's not the same for him?"_

_She pulled the inside of her cheek between her teeth, her coffee colored eyes roaming my face for the answer she already knew in her wild imagination. Avoiding her gaze once again, she gave a heavy sigh and continued, tucking a strand of wind blown hair behind her ear._

"_Bella, I don't know how any boy wouldn't want to kiss you. Just give it time baby… I promise, one day that boy will give you your first kiss. Whoever he is."_

_She cradled me against her and pressed her face to my cheek again. Her warmth comforted me, and I snuggled deeper into the wreath of her arms. I closed my eyes and felt the blustery air whip across the exposed skin of my face. Mama pressed another kiss to the top of my head, and the courage I usually felt with my mother returned. I had no one else to confide in when it came to matters like these, and I had to get it out. _

"_I… I think… It's Embry. I want my first kiss to be with Embry," I responded quietly. Even though Embry joined in on the teasing I expected from a group of boys, I could never shake the look he gave me when I was hurt or scared or when he made me laugh. And I wanted it to be him._

_I could feel my mother's lips curl into a small smile against my hair, as she hummed in satisfaction. _

* * *

Sunlight streamed through the curtains, and I stretched as widely as possible, feeling the creak and pop of bones and joints as my body woke. As soon as I had righted myself, I felt instantly nauseous, the product of too much cheap champagne and marijuana from the night before.

"Daddy!" I groaned the word as loudly as possible, hoping that he was still in the house and would bring me water, then glanced at the clock. Nine in the morning. Of course, Charlie would be at work. I rolled onto my stomach, hoping to deter the sick feeling, and gathered the quilt up just under my chin.

The memories of last night came flooding back to me, as I burrowed myself deeper into the pillows once again. A small smile fluttered across my lips, the feel of Edward's warm hand still strong against mine as we walked back to our friends.

We drank and smoked and smoked more, the alcohol and marijuana clouding our vision and warming our insides. Edward sat me in the chair right next to him, and we laughed together all night, his troubles with Tanya no longer poisoning the night air or the broad smile I now saw so clearly in my mind. We let the waves rush against our bare and freezing feet, let the sand stick between our toes as we basked in the wind that tried to carry us away.

At some point during the night, Edward's chair had moved perceptibly closer to mine, and I didn't mind when he would tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear or when his hand was on mine, even if momentarily. Sometimes, he'd smile at me and we'd find ourselves swimming in that suspension of time again, and though I wondered if it was just the distortion from the marijuana, I knew it was something more. There was a glimmer to his beautiful eyes, a sparkle indicative of fondness that I was positive I returned.

"Go ahead, Swan. Keep the sweatshirt. Now you have an entire outfit belonging to me." Edward gave me a drunken grin, and nudged my arm with his shoulder as we all made our way back to the parking lot. I pulled the soft sleeves down over my hands and clasped them in my fists, before covering my mouth in a small yawn. The hour was late and we were all drunk. Except for Alice, who had been elected to play designated driver.

"Are you sure? It's not that far to my house from here. I'm sure I'll be…"

"Stop it. You're taking it. I'll get it back from you soon. Maybe even tomorrow," he teased.

Jasper tugged on my elbow as Edward winked one jade green eye at me. I felt light, as if I were capable of floating home, and just landing peacefully in my bed, drunk, stoned, and covered in sand and salty air.

"You got a thing for my friend, new girl?" Jasper asked conspiratorially as we walked back to our street, my arm tucked into the crook of his elbow.

I couldn't help the sheepish grin I gave him, and the feeling inside me that made me want to shout 'YES!' at the top of my lungs. Jasper smiled back, not a judgmental line on his face, but a look of approval and delight.

"Wait, I don't know Jasper… Edward is… well, he's great." I paused, realizing what was holding me back. Edward and I each had someone we cared about, though I couldn't quite consider Embry and Tanya to be in the same category. And I knew why I cared about Embry, but why did Edward care about someone like Tanya? I sighed and met Jasper's quizzical gaze with my own, not wanting to be misleading to anyone.

"Edward has a girlfriend. And I can't say that there isn't someone I left behind back in Forks, either."

"But you're here now, huh? Gotta live in the moment, darlin'! And I can tell my boy likes you. He seems happier these last few days."

I pondered Jasper's comments, thinking that Edward usually seemed… sad. Something was always bringing him down. But then he would smile, and the whole world would light up around him. When Edward was happy, everyone around him was too, and I could tell it was important to Jasper.

But it was Embry's face I saw as I began to drift back to sleep that morning, the street outside my window quiet while everyone was at work. He was my light, the memories too important, too vital to my very make up to be forgotten so easily. Much like Edward had a charisma that controlled a room, Embry was optimistic and charming and happy-go-lucky, the kind of guy who was just easy to be around. But he didn't need all of that to make me feel for him. He protected me and had looked out for me most of my life, one of the only constants I had ever known, the life raft that kept me afloat for so many years.

A specific day flashed through my sleeping mind, pictures of a grey sky and white waves crashing against us as we braved the always-cold surf of La Push. He splashed me until I was drenched and I splashed back, our clothes heavy and soaked through. But after every spray of frigid water, I was surrounded by Embry's warmth, his heat radiating through my skin at every place he pressed against me. It felt so real, like being back in time. Or standing on the edge of the beach, watching myself with this boy who had turned into a man right before my eyes. And looking at us now, through my mind's eye, I watched how precariously we rotated around each other. As I lay floating on my back, arms spread wide, eyes closed softly, my mouth smiling up at the sky, Embry moved around me. He watched me, his lazy grin matching my own, his love plastered endearingly on his bronze face. When my abdomen would sink lower beneath the surf, he would place his tender hand on my lower back and support me. Because that's what he did: gave me support.

Just as I felt the sun of reality creeping into the edges of my dream, I watched as Embry slowly leaned toward my half-submerged ear and whispered softly, _"Stay with me, always."_

My eyes popped open, and the blood rushed to my head as I sat up too fast. Swiping the light sheen of sweat from my forehead, I took deep breaths in an attempt to control the unsettling, twisting feeling in my stomach. His voice had been so clear, not at all dream-like, but shockingly _real. _His words could have been whispered into my ear, his breath could have blown across my face, his mouth could have brushed against my skin…

Rolling out of the bed, I stumbled across the hall to the shower. I flipped on the water as hot as tolerable. My neck was sticky with perspiration, so I shed my t-shirt and the rest of my clothing. The porcelain tub was cold against my skin when I sat down under the running water, and I let it sooth the sweat and sting of my dream.

I washed the grime from my skin, feeling somewhat refreshed as I stepped from the shower and quickly dried off. I threw on a pair of sweats and a tank top, deciding today would be the day I did absolutely nothing. After two straights days of drinking with my new friends, and all the moving and organizing, it mattered very little that there were still things that needed to be done. The couch was calling my name.

First, there was nicotine to be had. I grabbed my journal and a cigarette, and climbed through the window in my bedroom to the haven that was my roof. The Whitlock's house was quiet across the street, all the vehicles gone. The sun was bright, and I didn't know Jasper well enough to know what he might be doing on one of his last remaining days of summer, but it was fair to assume that he was either with Edward or with Alice.

I mostly doodled on the pages of my notebook, small drawings of trivial things decorating the top and bottom margins. A seagull squawked in the distance, and I shielded my eyes against the sun in search of his form. My pen etched his wings, meticulously, searing the outline of his image to the paper. The roar of the ocean in the distance caused a tiny grin to creep across my face, memories of the night before and of beaches far away staring each other down eagerly in my mind. As the cigarette burned warmer against my fingers, I left my drawing for another time and made my way back inside, down the stairs.

I filled a tall glass with ice and water, its cool relief welcome against my parched throat and sandpaper mouth. From the corner of my eye, the small bottle of aspirin loomed like a giant next to the spice rack, and I snatched it up, a remedy for the dull ache in my head.

Charlie's couch was a cushy mess of worn material, made so soft from years spent sprawled out watching soccer games with the boys, or marathons of whatever sci-fi show Quil was into at the moment. I breathed deeply and let the still lingering scent of our old house envelop me, a pillow pulled under my cheek and the remote just within reach.

Two aspirin and an old episode of the Cosby Show later, and my eyes had become heavy lidded again. The house was too quiet, and slightly stuffy, the ceiling fan doing very little to stir the air around me. I was still hadn't adjusted to the warm humidity of California. Episode number two was just getting underway when the doorbell rang. Loudly. Maybe more loudly than normal because of the headache from Hades, causing me to jump just slightly from my almost slumber.

I stayed in my spot for just another few moments, hoping maybe it was a deliveryman, or a door-to-door salesman who would just leave their package at the door and walk on by.

Then it rang again, a harsh, reverberating sound.

_Shit._

After practically rolling off the couch, I moved to the door, hair disheveled and sweatpants sagging from my hips. I hitched them up by the waist, tying them more securely, and unenthusiastically opened the door.

Not a deliveryman.

Not a salesman.

Edward.

My headache was instantly forgotten.

_Oh my god, I look like a homeless person._

He didn't look too spry either though, but my arms still wrapped themselves around my abdomen in self-consciousness. His black jeans were slightly loose, and his t-shirt was gray and worn, the hem tattered in a few spots. It looked soft though, as if Edward had spent an immense amount of time in it. His nervous fingers wound into his messy hair and tugged slightly. He looked… really tired, but so gorgeous, and seemingly relieved that I answered the door. I smiled up at him and dropped my arms to my sides.

"What… what are you doing here?"

He shrugged, and stared intently into my eyes, little flecks of gold among mesmerizing green.

"You busy today?" he asked, almost timidly.

I huffed, and gestured slowly to the attire he found me in. "Um, do I _look_ busy?"

The corner of his mouth pulled up and he chuckled quietly before extending his arm and a handful of rented DVD's.

"I thought maybe you'd want to hang out. I kind of hoped you'd be up for a day of rest."

My eyes widened just slightly, and I hoped he didn't pick up on my surprise. _Edward wants to hang out… alone._ I steeled myself with one casual deep breath and moved aside to allow him entrance.

"You aren't planning to get me stoned again, are you?" I tentatively reached up and gently shoved his shoulder in playfulness.

He returned my meager attempt at flirtation with an equally lighthearted smile. "You seemed to have an alright time last night. I don't think you minded _too_ much."

"True. It was fun. I'm glad you guys included me. Do you, um, do you want something to drink? I don't think I have any whiskey lying around…"

"Now you're being mean," he laughed. "Just some water would be cool."

Edward moved into the living room and took in the rumpled sofa cushions from where my body had been resting just minutes earlier. I filled another glass with ice water for him and sat it down on the coffee table.

"Looks like you must feel about like I do," he commented, gesturing to my unkempt appearance and the fact that I had obviously been napping when he arrived.

"Yeah, I know. Today is my day off though." The afghan on the back of the couch suddenly looked like it would make an amazing cloak, so I reached up and draped it around my shoulders to cover myself. "I feel like a slob, but what the hell…"

His hand wound back into his hair as he interrupted me. "You're, um, you're beautiful like this." His eyes were downcast, his strong profile turned sheepish at his own admission.

But, there it was. The only words my body needed to flush crimson and hot. I could feel my blush spread across my chest, up my neck and on to my cheeks. I wrapped the afghan tighter around myself, pulling it all the way up to my chin, shielding myself from Edward's intense stare once again.

He noticed my embarrassment, admiring me with a small smile for a few moments before suggesting we put in a DVD's, one he referred to as "mindless action."

There was silence through the opening credits, and I would occasionally catch him giving me a sidelong glance from the corner of my eye. He lounged casually on my couch and rested his cheek on his hand, looking as if he simply… belonged there. But then Edward's gaze caught mine briefly, surprise written on his beautiful face, and he turned back to the screen again with a deep sigh.

"So… I broke up with Tanya this morning." The words rushed from his throat in a flurry of syllables, and I almost thought I misheard him.

"Wait. What? You did?" I sat up straighter and moved toward him on the couch, concerned that he would be upset. "Edward, I'm…" As my hand rested on his shoulder, he turned to me and gave another small smile.

"Bella, it's fine, actually. I haven't felt this relieved in a long time. After you and I talked last night, I realized a lot. I've wasted too much time with her, life is too short."

"Well, what happened?" I let my hand drop from its resting place, and Edward cleared his throat gruffly. He leaned back, resting his head on the cushion behind him and absentmindedly traced the pattern on the sofa.

"Tanya came over this morning. Just came barging into my bedroom all loud and angry that I never called and apologized last night." He paused and arched his eyebrow at me in question. "I felt like I had been run over." I nodded once and gave him an understanding smile.

He nodded back before continuing.

"Well, she came in my room, yelling about whatever the fuck. And I had a massive headache, so the yelling immediately pissed me off. And I'm just generally tired of hearing her mouth. So I just basically… told her to get the fuck out. That it was over. That I was over it and was uninterested in repeating the vicious cycle we had begun."

My hand involuntarily flew to my mouth, and I swallowed down a mix between a squeal and a laugh. I was… elated? Happy? _What the hell is wrong with you, Bella? Your new, albeit hot, friend just broke up with his long-term girlfriend. _But, Edward certainly looked happier, more relaxed than previously when Tanya was always giving him hell.

"Well, I guess that's great, Edward. Are you okay? How do you feel? I mean, Alice said that you two were together for awhile."

He shrugged his shoulders. "On and off for two years. But honestly, Bella, I feel like a huge weight is gone. She was mean to everyone, and it's because of you that I realized it." The absent tracing of his fingers meandered toward my own, and he twisted his hand into mine, giving a gentle squeeze.

For an instant, my lungs stopped breathing, my heart stopped beating. There was that strange sense of floating again, accompanied with all the wrong and all the right. I shut my eyes tightly for one second while his smooth tones began filling my ears again.

"Tanya would have been mean to you, Bella. If she had had the chance she would have tried to make you feel so small. I saw her do it to Jasper. I even allowed her to belittle my sister and Rosalie behind their backs. I couldn't do that anymore and didn't want her doing that to you. It wasn't fair to anybody. I sat back and _let _her take advantage of my friends and family, simply because she knew they wouldn't say anything to her out of respect for me."

"It especially wasn't fair to _you,_ Edward. I appreciate you… looking out for me. But I'm a big girl. I could've handled myself," I said with a note of pride in my voice. "I've dealt with people like Tanya before."

"Well, I haven't been a very good friend to the others. And it was time for a change. Why not start changing things with you? I didn't want to be a bad friend, especially not where you're concerned."

We smiled awkwardly at one another for a moment, the conversation with Jasper replaying in my head.

_I can tell my boy likes you. _

_Great. _

My phone rang, jolting me from the trance Edward lulled me into. Jacob's silly ring tone blared from the handheld device, screaming its interruption.

"Um, do you mind? It's one of my friends from back home."

He reclined back again and pulled his shoes off before propping his feet onto the coffee table with a lazy grin. "I'm not going anywhere," he said, a little too seriously.

I chuckled, trying to not look for hidden meaning in his words. "Okay, I'll um… I'll just be a few minutes."

Grabbing a cigarette, and making my way toward the back door, I answered the phone quietly.

"Hey, Jake. What's up?"

"Bella! How's it goin'? What are you up to?"

His voice was warm and sunny, and I couldn't help but think of how Jacob actually reminded me of this place, instead of the one we called home. He was too bright, too happy for the dreariness of Forks he so easily embraced. I smiled at the sound, welcomed it into my memory, and tucked it away to never forget.

"Um, everything is fine. Actually, I have a bit of a hangover."

"A bit, huh? Another late night?" He was picking on me as usual, reminding me that I never quite knew when to quit.

"Yeah, yeah. One of those nights. But it was really fun. We had a bonfire on the beach. It was beautiful… almost as cool as bonfires at First Beach."

"I know how we used to get on those bonfire nights. You're suffering today, aren't you?"

I laughed a little, remembering many drunken nights spent flying high around our bonfires, the general silliness that ensued, and the excruciating hangovers we all nursed together.

"Yep, I'm suffering. But not alone at least. Edward just stopped by with some movies. We're just hanging out and commiserating."

For some reason, I didn't hesitate to tell Jake that Edward was there with me, having always trusted Jake with everything, always confiding my deepest hopes and wishes to his friendly ear. But now, he grew quiet, and at first, I thought maybe his cell phone had lost the call.

"Jake? Are you still there?"

"Um, yeah Bella. I'm still here…" His tone was much more serious and I could feel the panic rising in my chest.

"Everything okay? You got quiet there for a minute."

"Yeah… no, everything is alright. I guess."

"You guess?"

"Where's Charlie?" he asked rapidly.

I was getting frustrated with him, wanting to know why he had gone from _my_ Jake to big brother mode in .5 seconds. "Um, he's at work, Jacob. Where he always is this time of day," I raised my voice.

"That's moving a little fast, Bella. Don't you think?" He gave a tiny nervous laugh, certainly meaning no harm. But that little laugh caused my rage to grow exponentially.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jacob Black?" I asked through clenched teeth.

He sighed loudly into the receiver, clearly becoming frustrated with me as well.

"Well, Bella. It means that I think its pretty damn stupid of you to have some guy over there, some stranger you practically just met, when Charlie isn't around!"

"Well, that's just too bad isn't it? It's too bad that I didn't ask you what you thought, nor do I really give a shit!" I retorted hotly, my blind rage fueling me further into this argument with my theoretical brother.

"Yeah? Well, what about what _Embry_ thinks?" he shot back quickly, emphasizing the name of my weakness. "What do you think _he'd_ have to say about it? Huh? Or did it even cross your mind while you've been busy hanging out with your new '_friends_?'"

It became very clear to me, as the seconds ticked by, just what Jacob was trying to accomplish with his emphasis on the word 'friends.' He knew exactly where to stick the verbal knife to inflict the most damage. He was only referring to one of those friends, and as I turned to face the back door, Edward stood there, looking back at me with worried eyes. It was a low blow. And Jacob knew it.

The anger inside me began to ebb toward hurt.

Finally, I spoke, the lump in my throat pushing against my will power, tears threatening as Edward looked on. There was some truth to Jacob's words. What _would_ Embry think about these confusing emotions of mine? Our relationship had gone back into the non-exclusive territory, sure. But that didn't mean our hearts weren't ripe with emotions and attachment to one another.

It was more than I could bear to think about.

"Jacob. I have to go. We should just... this isn't something I want to discuss with you. And I don't want to say something I will regret later."

"Yeah. I agree." His voice was calmer now, more reserved, and I cringed as I hung up without saying 'goodbye.'

Jacob and I had never really fought like that, dirty and full of hate, and it hurt. He had never been so… nasty towards me. He had never second-guessed my actions before, and certainly had never questioned my motives. Our friendship had never been tested before, there had never been aspects such as distance between us. And it confused me to think that Jacob could possibly be angry with me for seeing someone other than Embry. He knew Embry was the only person I had ever been with. And while my relationship with Embry was confusing at best, I never thought anything could break the ties that bound us all as friends.

Edward opened the back door and stuck his messy head out, eyes swimming with concern at my exasperation.

"You okay?" he asked quietly, moving to stand in front of me, a hand on each of my shoulders.

I stared down at my blank cell phone screen, wondering when I would speak to my best friend again and how it would go. Nodding to him slowly, Edward ducked his head to meet my eyes. I smiled at him timidly.

"Wanna talk about it?" He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, a twinge of guilt sparking through my body, along with a twinge of something else. With the harsh words exchanged just now, I should have shrugged him off. Instead, I let Edward hold on to me, guide me back inside and toward the couch. I plopped down on the cushions and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands.

"How much of that did you hear?" I motioned to the back yard and felt my face flush at the realization of what he had overheard.

"I swear, Bella. I didn't eavesdrop. I was refilling my water when I heard you yelling. Something about not asking for an opinion. And then you got really quiet." He paused and sat down next to me. "So who was it?"

What would Edward think when I told him about Embry? Would he be upset? Would he still want to be friends? He was always so flirtatious and open, even accepting my advice on his relationship with Tanya when he barely knew me. And I hadn't breathed a word to him about my own life, for reasons unknown to even myself.

I was frustrated, and it showed on my face. Edward peered at me curiously as my fingers tugged on my hair and pulled a picture from the end table: my friends and I at my prom the year before. Charlie loved the picture, along with other random shots of the four of us over the years. He pretty much had one on display all the time, but was especially happy with this one. He loved seeing me dressed up that night, and his eyes had glistened with pride… for both me and for my mother.

_"She would be so proud of you, Bells."_

Edward took the frame from my shaking hands and smiled down at the photograph.

"Those are my best friends from back home. The people I grew up with. This one," I pointed Jacob out, "is the one I was screaming with. Jacob. He's like my brother and I pretty much count him as such." I took several deep breaths before continuing, my nerves still on overdrive from all the yelling. "He was just being a little over protective of me, I guess."

Edward glanced up at me quickly. I could tell he had picked up on my anxiety, and also the fact that there was one boy in the picture who was clearly more than just a 'best friend.'

"He was worried about you being here with me, I guess. Because of him?" He pointed to Embry, who held onto my hand in the picture.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Edward. I feel terrible that you've shared all this personal information with me about Tanya…"

"Bella, you don't have to apologize. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want. And if its something you don't want to talk about, then I won't ask…" It took me a second to look him in the eyes, afraid of what I might find there. But there was no anger. No judgment. Edward's eyes showed his understanding, as if he truly felt there was nothing to forgive.

"No. No, I do want to talk about him." I took a deep breath and plowed forward before my resolve escaped me. "His name is Embry Call. He was my best friend growing up, too. Except about a year ago… I don't know what happened. He just… became something more, something greater. We broke up before I left to move here, even though it just about killed us both. But we were friends first, before anything else. I mean, when I was a little girl, I didn't have slumber parties with girls in my class. They were with _these_ boys. I was the only girl on their city league soccer team, even though I was horrible. They always made me sign up. Every year. And they all went to my prom with me, even though they went to school on the reservation. Embry was my date. He was a lot of other things too," I finished quietly. Edward listened very intently, his face soft and patient, absorbing every word I said.

Edward deserved to know, and even though I was still unsure of how he felt about me, I knew there was something tugging at my heartstrings when it came to him. But he deserved to know what kind of emotions Embry and I had invested in one another.

_Tell him. Tell him now, or you never will._

"I just… I feel like a part of me was left behind. A part of me is still back there, with him." My voice was choked, whispered, the pain evident in every uttered syllable.

Edward looked back down at the photograph lying across his lap, and then looked back at me with a gentle half-smile on his lips. He reached over and ran one cool fingertip down my cheekbone, and my eyes fluttered shut at the sensation. It felt wrong and right, and I wondered how he could make me war with myself over these feelings.

"What about the rest of you, Bella?" he asked softly.

I blanched at his words, my eyes popping open to meet his verdant gaze, just before Edward Cullen pressed his cool lips to my cheek.

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**A/N: SO, UM, LEAVE ME A REVIEW! =)**


	7. Shadow Weighs a Ton

I am so sorry this took so long. Some of you may be expecting an explanation as to why I am so epically slow at this, but I'm not gonna do that here. Just know that I am NOT abandoning this story and I'm not simply being lazy. Real life has been fuckawful the past 3 months, but it is slowing down for now.

Thanks to bratty-vamp and Melissa Cullen for beat'ing/pre-reading and to everyone out there who reads and reviews and adds an alert! I may not respond to every review but I do read each of them with a happy heart!

Come visit me at **A Different Forest** for Loneliness Be Over exclusives in my **VIP Cabin! **www (dot) adifferentforest (dot) com

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**"**_**You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." ~Robin Williams**_

My cell phone vibrated on the coffee table, waking me from what could have been the longest nap I'd had in years. The title menu of the DVD we'd been watching had faded to a blank, blue screen on the television, and lazy afternoon sunlight filtered through the blinds. I could feel my legs tangled with something heavy, and sat up to see Edward sleeping on the opposite end of the couch.

_He kissed you, dude. On the cheek, but he KISSED you._

His foot twitched against my shin and I couldn't help but smile.

However, it was after four o'clock and I knew Charlie could be home at any time. I leaned toward Edward and gently rustled his sleeping form.

"Edward? Edward, wake up."

He swatted my hand away with a sleepy smile, one green eye opening to peer up at me. Disentangling my lower limbs from his, I shook him more firmly.

"Seriously, my dad will be home soon…"

"Good! Then you can tell him about my plans to take you surfing tomorrow." Finally, he sat up and wrapped his arms around my shoulders in an attempt to pull me down against his chest. I flattened my palm to the muscles there, uncertain of what to think or feel about both his words and his gesture.

"Edward… surfing?"

"Come on, Bella. I'm a cuddler. Cuddle with me. And yes… surfing. Have you ever been?"

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I have," I responded timidly. "And it ended disastrously." I could recall with crystal clarity my first attempt at organized water sports. Jake and Embry had taken up surfing as soon as they had saved enough money for decent boards and wet suits. Quil and I preferred swimming and the occasional cliff dive. We stuck to the less intimidating cliffs, afraid of falling longer than our stomachs could handle from the more colossal heights. And the one time Jake had talked me into surfing, I had banked the nose of the board off a rock and gone tumbling into the waves, my elbow meeting the rough surface of the object in my path. It bled for what seemed like endless amounts of time, and I reached up to touch the scar that still tainted my skin. I could remember the pressure Embry had applied, my bright crimson blood staining his white beach towel as I scowled up at him from the sand. His eyes were sweet as his fingertips pressed against my arm…

_No. Surfing would be a very bad idea. _

"I don't know. I will probably get hurt. I'm terribly clumsy, Edward. Like, you have no idea how bad it is. I'm almost handicapped…"

He laughed out loud, interrupting my monologue, and I huffed at him impatiently until he finished. He took my hand in his swiftly and gave my fingers a reassuring squeeze.

"Bella, I'll teach you. And I promise. No getting hurt. Not on my watch." His expression was soft, the green depths of his eyes swirling into mine. The intensity was startling, and I was overcome momentarily as he held my gaze with a smile.

"Well… Edward, what makes you think you're a good enough surfer to prevent any injury?" I asked playfully.

He feigned insult, his mouth agape before he pulled me toward him in a crushing hug. His chest was warm, his t-shirt smelling faintly like cologne and stale cigarettes.

"Does that mean you'll go with me, then?" he asked.

I nodded, letting my nose nuzzle the soft fabric on his skin. He began rubbing small circles on my back after a few moments, and I gently untangled myself from his arms.

"Yeah, I guess I will go with you. You can _try_ to educate me on the art of surfing. But you have been warned of my lack of ability." I tried to sound sure of myself, but the truth was that I was terrified. And not even terrified of the idea of surfing. More like terrified of how happy it made me to know I was going to be spending more time with Edward. Alone.

Edward's eyes never left mine, even up to the second that the front door opened and Charlie stepped through. It was an almost eerie silence that lingered between the two of us, intimidating but binding. I was certain he knew he was doing this to me, as this same scenario replayed itself in my head from previous moments with Edward. Only the sound of my father's voice disrupted my flight to whatever planet I found myself on when Edward Cullen was around.

"Bells, I'm home. Oh, you have company." He eyed Edward suspiciously, startled by his presence and proximity to me on the sofa. My cheeks flushed warm and I quickly stood as Edward pulled his shoes on and headed toward the door.

"Edward, good to see you again," he mumbled as we pushed past him toward the door.

"You too, sir. Um, I'll call you in the morning Bella?"

I nodded my head rapidly, and the door clicked shut behind him as I turned to my father. A small grin played on his lips, his mustache twitching as he tried to control his laughter.

"Ugh, leave me alone Dad."

"I don't know, Bells. I think you're gonna like it here after all." His smile broadened and I rolled my eyes at his teasing.

"Edward and I are just friends. He just got out of a pretty long relationship. And besides… Embry and I…"

"Bella, you do not have to justify having a friend. Especially not to me. It's a tough thing you're going through, and having friends can only help."

"Jake didn't think so earlier." I picked at my fingernail and hesitated before continuing. Was I telling Charlie too much? Of course he would take my side on the matter, but Jacob was like a son to him. More than anything, I wanted Jake to call me, right then. And my chest split in two when he didn't. _How long will he drag it out this time? We've never actually argued that badly before…_

Charlie transformed, the light leaving his eyes as he took on his serious face. "Well, Jacob is just protective of you and also of Embry. And I'm sure he is missing his best friend." Charlie draped his jacket over the back of the couch and pulled his shoes off. Anything to keep from having to look me in the eye while having a serious conversation about boys. "You should never apologize for having friends, Bells. Not even if Jacob disapproves. Although…" He paused, and another playful look danced across his features. "I think that Cullen boy might have a crush on you."

I swatted his arm and rolled my eyes once again before pulling food from the fridge for dinner. I made Charlie a quick casserole, my mind plagued by thoughts of Jacob and Embry and Forks. Edward had relieved all of those thoughts. For the little time we spent together that afternoon, even after the crisis situation between my friend and I, things felt lighter. The tightness that had resided in my chest since leaving Forks felt as if it were being tugged apart, opened again by his friendly smiles and eyes that gazed at me as if he'd known me his entire life.

_But is it the same? Are these feelings the same as what you have with HIM?_

My mind was warring with itself, and my heart instantly ached for Embry at the thought of comparing him to someone else. It was unfair to us both.

And I missed him to no end.

"Dad, I'm heading upstairs for a bit. I need to… think."

He nodded once, brown eyes meeting my own as he chewed a piece of baked chicken slowly.

"Well," he said around his mouthful of food, "let me know if you need anything."

Walking up the stairs, I felt the overwhelming urge to call home, and my fingers punched Embry's number into the phone without a second thought. I plopped down on the edge of my bed, gripping the floorboards with my toes as if they would hold me up.

"Bells…" His soothing voice floated through the earpiece, and a heavy sigh escaped from my mouth. I was plagued with the emotions I felt at the mere sound of him, that undeniable tightening in my chest forming a solid lump in my throat. I swallowed it down, wanting to be strong in case Jake _had_ told Embry about our argument.

"Hi," I said softly, a small smile pulling at my lips, my voice cracking with emotion. "What are you up to?"

My feeble attempt at hiding what I was going through was not overlooked. He knew me in every way imaginable, and he would know something was wrong.

"Bella, are you okay?"

I dug the heel of my hand into my eye, the tears there smearing along my cheek with the motion, and sniffled involuntarily.

"Why are you crying, Bells? Talk to me, please."

"Oh, I don't know, Em… I just miss you. I miss home. But at the same time, things here are better than I expected them to be."

"And that's great, Bella. Really, it's a relief to me that you haven't felt like you have to stay hidden in your room with no one to talk to."

_Yep, Embry and Jake have talked. _

"If you knew what was wrong, why did you ask?" It came out more brazen than I intended, and I blanched at my own words. "Sorry, I just knew that Jake would call you. I don't know why I thought for a minute that I would have to tell you what happened today myself."

He laughed a little, a trademark of his when I was frustrated. _"You're so cute when you're angry," _he would tell me. _"Anything you get passionate about does beautiful things to your face."_

"Jake feels bad for jumping the gun on the situation with you and Edward…"

I huffed. It felt weird to hear him say that. My 'situation' with Edward? "I have no situation with Edward, Embry. He's just… trying to be nice to me."

"Bells, you know Jake had good intentions. Yeah, he went about things the wrong way, but he didn't want to hurt you."

I hesitated before responding, feeling as if my relationship with Embry, with _all_ of my friends back in Forks, was in jeopardy. The feelings I had for Embry and the feelings I was beginning to develop for Edward were creating a rift inside me, splitting me in a way I had never expected.

"Jacob threw you in my face, Embry. And it made me feel… trashy. Like I was doing you wrong by having another guy in my house. But… he had to have known I would have given anything for it to have been you."

_Are you just trying to make him feel better? Or do you really mean that? Do you even know anymore?_

I did mean it, unequivocally so. I knew it would kill me to ever lose Embry. Our feelings and history don't need to be reiterated. But the attraction between Edward and I was there. And even though Embry and I had left our relationship on no certain terms, it would feel deceitful to act on that attraction.

"I'm so sorry he was mean to you, baby. I told him he should have left you alone. Don't be upset anymore. I'm not mad at you, and I know you thought I would be."

Quiet laughter issued from my lips, because he knew me so well. "Embry, I was terrified to call you. But I couldn't get you off my mind these last few hours. Being away from you is so hard…"

"Bells, do you have any idea how strong you are? You are going to be fine, once you stop worrying about me and once you start getting used to Jake being the territorial, overprotective brother. I'm sure Charlie has been reminding you constantly what kind of things you have survived. Just because you had to move doesn't mean anyone will forget about you. Especially me."

His words gave me comfort, as they had a way of doing, and I found myself in a state of longing again. Not just for Embry and everything I was used to him providing, but for reconciliation with Jake. When would we speak again? What would I even say to him?

I gazed at the still bare walls of my bedroom, my eyes falling to the collage of pictures on my bookshelf. I knew Embry was right: we had all been friends for too long. Nothing would come between us. And he wanted me to have fun. He was happy that I wasn't completely alone here, that Edward and Jasper and the others had been nice enough to accept me into their group so quickly. We fell into our usual easy conversation, me telling him about my upcoming escapade in the ocean and him talking about a new job prospect he had to earn a little extra money, possibly saving for school.

After hanging up with Embry, I lay back on my pillows, eyes to the ceiling. As I began to doze off, my phone vibrated in my hand.

_One new message from: Edward._

My smile was automatic, and broadened as I read his words.

_Better get some sleep, new girl. I'm picking you up at 9am._

....................................

"Bella, you're up early. Everything ok?" Charlie knocked from outside my bathroom, and I spit the rest of my toothpaste into the sink before opening the door.

"Yeah, hey. Good morning."

"Um, what's going on? You look like you're getting ready to go somewhere." He ran a hand through his hair nervously, taking in my cut off jeans and bikini top.

"Oh… well, actually Dad… I'm going to the beach. With Edward Cullen. He's, um, well he's taking me surfing."

I watched Charlie's still sleepy eyes grow impossibly large in his surprise. I knew what he was thinking. _You? Surfing?_

"Bells, you know how clumsy you are. Does he know what he's doing? School starts next week and you have to go register tomorrow by noon…"

"Dad! It's okay. I promise not to end up in the hospital. And I promise I will be back at a decent hour…"

"Which doesn't mean one in the morning."

"…yes, you're right."

Charlie smiled, a fatherly expression crossing his features. He looked relieved at the recent events around here, more relaxed than he had in awhile. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes before continuing.

"Listen, I was thinking…new school, new friends. What if I gave you some money this week for new clothes."

"Dad, no way. I can't let you do that and there's nothing wrong with the clothes I have now." I gestured to my slouchy shorts, the hem hanging in frayed strings. My flip-flops were plain black cloth, a pair anyone could pick up from Target for five bucks. I knew I was 'under dressed' compared to my new female companions, but it didn't bother me. He quirked an eyebrow and smiled, possibly proud that his little girl was unafraid to face her socialite peers in her less-than-socialite attire. He knew I wasn't worried about what they thought of me.

"Well, okay then. You let me know if you change your mind. We'll consider it an open offer. And, just be very careful today."

I nodded just as my phone rang on the bathroom counter. I knew it was Edward so I hurriedly tied my hair in a knot, grabbed a beach towel, and tossed some sunscreen into my bag before flying down the stairs.

"Bye, Dad! Be back later on."

Edward was glorious, his lithe arm draped across the open window of his Range Rover. There were two surfboards hanging out the rear window, one longer than the other. His hair seemed messier than ever, wind-tossed whiskey, eyes a blaze of green and gold. I smiled at him and climbed into his car.

"Hi," I said shyly. I tucked a tendril of loose hair behind my ear and looked up at him.

"You ready to surf, Bella?" He looked very mischievous, and it was completely adorable. I took a deep breath as we drove away, and noticed his cigarettes in the cup holder.

"Do you mind?" I reached for the cellophane wrapped pack of Camels tentatively, as if he might say 'no,' but he didn't disappoint.

"Help yourself. Grab one for me too?"

The drive to the beach was only a few blocks, and the closer we got, the more nervous I became. I confessed as much.

"So, I'm actually kind of uneasy about all this, Edward." He glanced over at me with a crooked smile as I took a quick drag from my cigarette. The sun was warm and it streamed in through the open window, permeating my skin and covering me like a blanket.

"Don't be nervous. We'll take it easy today. Baby waves." Edward looked happy, the glimmer in his verdant eyes unable to conceal his excitement. "Plus, I won't let anything happen to you."

"Hmm. That's probably a good thing. I think Charlie would try to have you arrested if you did." He chuckled along with me and we settled into an easy silence. I tossed my cigarette from the window a few minutes later as he pulled into a parking lot facing the sandy beaches of Orange County. He parked right next to another white SUV, where a man with wet blonde hair was busy loading his own board into the back end.

"Hey, Dad," Edward called. The man spun around, his t-shirt damp from the wet skin beneath, and I looked into the face of Dr. Cullen.

"Wait a minute. Your dad… _surfs?"_ I couldn't prevent my question from flowing freely past my lips. My cheeks burned with my embarrassment. Carlisle simply laughed, his face friendly and his eyes alight.

"Every morning before work, actually," he stated proudly. "Helps keep me feeling young I suppose. First time surfing?" He gave me a knowing smile, and I felt myself relax again.

"Actually, not really my _first_ time. But last time I tried, it did not end well." I glanced over at Edward whose face was warmed by his reassuring expression.

"Well, I'm sure you two will have a great time today. Bella, it was lovely to see you again. Make Edward be careful with you." He eyed his son jokingly before climbing into his car and pulling away.

Still in a state of shock, I looked at Edward and pointed after his father's retreating vehicle, my jaw slack. Edward's lips twitched up into an amused smile and he tossed a long sleeved, cobalt blue top into my surprised hands. It was thick, but silky, with the Roxy surfing emblem across the chest and a black design on the sleeves. I eyed him suspiciously as we met at the back of the truck and he retrieved the two surfboards.

"It's a rash guard. Kinda keeps your skin… protected. And the water might be a little chilly, but I didn't have a wetsuit for you…."

"Is this Alice's?" I asked, holding up the shirt in emphasis.

Edward looked away quickly before rubbing his palm across the back of his neck, a bashful expression crossing his face. It was then that I noticed the tag, still attached to the cuff of the long sleeve, the price ripped away.

_Oh, hell._

Edward cleared his throat before meeting my shocked eyes again. "Um, I hope it's the right size… I wasn't sure…"

"Edward," I exclaimed, shaking the rash guard in his face. "I can't accept this! I mean… the fact that you ripped the price off says one thing to me. And…and… I have no money. I can't pay you back."

Placing his soft fingers on my shoulder, Edward silenced me with his eyes of fire. He moved closer to me, only slightly, and I let my arm fall back to my side, gripping the merchandise in my fist. The moment was charged. I couldn't look away. I wanted to, he unnerved me so, but I found it impossible. My breath was ragged from emotion and the overwhelming feeling of him looking at me that way.

"Bella." His voice was soft, melodic. I tore my eyes away only to glance back up at him. His fingertips pressed into my skin quickly. "I don't expect you to pay me back for it. It's a gift." He smiled then, and I couldn't help but smile back, even though I didn't want to. Edward giving me this top felt like a charitable donation… and I didn't need the charity. Especially not from him.

But to appease him, I gave in, and instantly thought that I could just leave the gift with Alice or Rosalie next time I saw them. With a resigned sigh and a quick glance, Edward picked up on my acquiescence and breathed his own sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Edward. You know you didn't have to do this, so I won't tell you again. But thank you."

His face was glowing, green eyes twinkling and shades of honey peeking through the bourbon brown of his hair in the sunlight.

"You're welcome. Let's see it on you."

I could feel my cheeks flushing hot, and knew that even though the warm air could be to blame, Edward could see my shyness. Stripping my tank top from my torso, I felt exposed in front of him, even though our recent romp in the Cullen pool was still fresh in my memory.

_Better get used to it, Swan. You're spending the day on the beach with this boy._

The top felt tight, but I knew it was supposed to. Edward seemed pleased with himself, and I did one little turn so he could see all angles.

"Good job. It fits!" I hoped that I sounded appreciative and not snarky, since even though I wished he hadn't bought it for me, I definitely didn't want to offend him.

"So, should we hit the surf then?" he asked. I looked past Edward, to the water, and became anxious at the number of people on their surfboards. I had never thought about the fact that I might have an audience. Edward followed my gaze and rubbed my arm in a gesture of comfort.

"Don't worry. We'll go a little further down the beach. There might be less people."

I tried to appear less concerned, more relaxed, as we gathered our things from the back of the Range Rover. I stripped the rash guard from my torso, even though Edward said it would protect me from the sunburn I feared. He explained that I would be riding the long board, but he asked me to carry the shorter one for him. We trudged down the beach, casual laughter passing between us with intermittent moments of quiet. I caught him stealing a glance in my direction once, and I smiled furiously at the thought of Edward admiring me.

Finally, he stopped our trek and lowered everything to the sand. The beach seemed much less populated here, with only a few surfers out in the water and some young college students sunbathing.

"This looks good," he remarked, half to himself, while surveying the surf for a few moments. A cigarette dangled from his lips, one hand shielding his eyes. I lowered myself to the sand, swiping away the sheen of sweat from my brow. The surf wasn't very high, not even in comparison to some of the sets I'd seen at La Push. I knew it changed day-to-day, but was thankful for what we had to work with. The sun warmed me, giving off its mellow yellow glow and heating my skin. Its rays shimmered along the watery wall beyond, refracting its light just so, and a feeling of extreme content covered me. Closing my eyes, I reveled in the feeling, the sensations all around me. The suns fingers caressed my face and legs, embracing me in its long arms.

Edward looked like he belonged there, his slender frame an outline in the brightness. I leaned back on my elbows to get a better look at him. He raised his arms over his head to remove his t-shirt, the muscles in his back rippling with each movement. From this angle, I could see more of his physique: the abs that weren't washboard, but were there nonetheless. His arms muscular, but still slender. The freckles smattered across his shoulder blades. He turned towards me and smiled, tossing his shirt in my face. A warm, spicy scent wafted to my nose, something akin to cinnamon. I giggled to myself at the smirk on his face before laying the shirt on his bag.

The sun beat down on us, the air still breezy and thick. I dug in my bag for sunscreen, feeling the beginnings of a burn creeping up on me, and set to rubbing the creamy liquid into my skin.

"So, here's how its gonna work," Edward began. He was all business for a moment, giving me a quick glance from his periphery and then nudging me with his shoulder and smiling when the anxious expression returned to my face. "We're gonna do some practicing on dry land first. It would be kinda hard for me to show you how to pop up while we're in the water, so we'll just get the technique down here. And I assume you know about paddling out and everything?" His eyes roamed my face for a few quick moments, green bouncing back and forth between brown.

"Yep, I've done that much before. Actually, I've tried it all, we just didn't really take time to go over technique or anything. Always trying to prove I could keep up with the boys…"

I didn't know why I said it, but the words come falling out. Edward kept his eyes trained on mine, lopsided grin still in place, even though he could see my discomfort at bringing up my old friends again. He seemed interested, like he wanted me to continue.

I looked away from him, back out to the ocean, and watched the white caps of the waves rise, break, and fall. The melodies of the water reminded me of times at the beach back home, with my mom and with the boys.

"How'd you get hurt?" His voice interrupted my quick reverie and I snapped my eyes back to his. "I mean, what turned you off from surfing in the first place?"

"Well, nothing really turned me off. But I did kind of bust my elbow up pretty fierce the first time out." I lifted my arm and tapped the raised marking on the back of my elbow.

He winced. "Ouch. That looks kinda bad, Bella. Smash into a rock?"

I nodded, rubbing my fingertips over the scarred flesh. "Yeah, finally relented and had to go for stitches, which is not a totally abnormal occurrence for me. Keep that in mind today."

He chuckled at that and looked down at his hands before glancing back up at me. "Well, I promise… I'll try really hard… not to let anything happen to you."

My heart sped up just a bit at his words, fluttering in my chest almost imperceptibly. As he looked at me, it seemed like he could be moving closer, tipping his face toward mine. I panicked, an overwhelming need to busy myself with something other than Edward's beautiful face and emerald eyes taking over. Going back to my sunscreen, I reached around my shoulders, trying to cover my back in the cool liquid, when Edward stilled my fingers and took the sunscreen from me. His hands were smooth on my back, lingering on my shoulder blades, gentle along my spine. Tiny goose bumps spread down my forearms and my legs, and I felt my body give a slight shiver at his touch. I prayed he wouldn't notice my reaction, and if he did, he didn't let on.

"Alright. That should do it." His voice was low, husky, and seemed to be close to my ear. I fought off another round of shivers as I tugged the rash guard back over my head.

We spent the next half hour perfecting me simply moving from lying on my stomach to standing on my feet while on the surfboard. Edward explained to me how to balance my weight, how maintaining my center of gravity would be essential to staying on and not getting worked. Occasionally, he would place his hand on my lower back to emphasize the way my upper body leaned the wrong way, and once he gripped my ankles and actually placed my feet an appropriate distance apart. I laughed at myself easily and he grinned at my clumsiness.

"What's so funny?" he asked at one point.

"Oh, just the idea of me NOT falling off this thing. Of actually being able to stay on. It will be a miracle… you watch."

Edward laughed wholeheartedly at that, and decided that now was the time to try it in the water. We coated the boards with wax, and he strapped the leash around my ankle, carefully explaining its purpose and why it was important to have the right length, and so on.

Placing his hands on each of my shoulders, Edward gave that remarkable smile and breathed a deep sigh. "You ready?" he asked with a nod.

I glanced out to the water. The waves were average size, nothing too scary. I already assumed that the water temperature would be much warmer than back in La Push, so I worried less about cold and more about getting injured.

I met Edward's eyes again and gave a hesitant smile. "Guess so. As ready as I'll ever be." He squeezed my shoulders gently. "Just promise you won't let me drown."

The water was cool against my feet as we paddled out far enough to catch a good set. My arms began to ache with the exertion and Edward's eyes teased me.

"Feelin' the burn, Swan?"

"Was it my labored breathing that gave it away?"

We were finally out far enough for Edward's taste, and he wanted to send me on the first set of waves. Of course, I froze and ended up staying right next to him, bobbing over the waves as they moved like a blanket beneath us. He threw his hands in the air, mouth agape in shock at my cowardice.

"I'm sorry! I froze!" His arms continued to flail dramatically and I laughed at how irritated he was pretending to be.

"Alright, Bella. This next set looks good… no freezing!"

I took a deep breath and waited for Edward's instructions, my heart thumping wildly in my chest.

_Please don't get hurt. Please._

"Go, Bella! Paddle!"

My arms moved furiously, pulling through the heavy swirls of water flowing around me. I tried to concentrate, but as I felt the water rushing closer to me, forming that small wall I knew I was meant to ride, the panic set in again. I could hear Edward yelling for me to stand up, but my arms were too weak to lift my body. It felt as if a weight was on my back, keeping my tummy flat against the board. The moment felt like minutes, and when I finally pulled myself up to standing, it was too late, and I dropped in just as the wave capped. The force and speed of the water threw me from my platform and a small squeal escaped my lips before I tumbled in. The leash jerked my leg, but I resurfaced quickly and scrambled for my board again, sputtering water from my nose and wiping at my stinging eyes. Edward was paddling toward me, eyes wide, hair wet and tousled in the most imperfect and beautiful way.

"You okay? Bella?"

I nodded and squeaked a 'yes.' Edward's hands found my face, smoothing my disheveled hair from my eyes. I froze beneath this more intimate touch, which did nothing to calm my racing heart. His expression was one of earnest concern, but shifted to slightly pleased after a few moments.

"Well, you didn't freeze… long." I huffed and shrugged gently from his hands, determination filling my veins. If it took me all day, I was going to ride at least one wave to the shore. Edward saw it in my eyes, picked up on my resolve instantly.

"Ready to try again?"

"Absolutely."

It took several more tries, and a few minutes of waiting for a good wave. Yes, I fell off again, but I didn't let my nerves keep me pinned to that board. Edward even demonstrated for me a few times, and I watched in awe as his lean body would glide along and almost manipulate the water. He made it look so easy.

"Lot's of practice," he said modestly.

There were several times when Edward and I would spend long minutes floating in the water, simply talking and laughing, recovering from one of my spills and waiting for the next set to roll in.

"How did your dad get the job here?"

"A friend from Seattle actually set him up with it. Charlie started out as Chief of Police in Forks, and then moved on to the Sheriff's Department. And once my mom… passed away, he just became restless. We've both spent our whole lives there, but my mom was what held that intact. I guess I always knew he wanted to leave, but figured it wouldn't come to fruition until I was out of high school and off at college somewhere."

Edward listened intently as always, roaming every inch of my face as I spoke, following my hand as I ran anxious fingers through my wet hair as it curled around my face.

"Anyway, this guy in Seattle knew there was an opening for a detectives position here. So, Charlie had a connection and got the job." I finished with a heavy sigh, unable to push the faces of those still in Forks away. As I looked to the horizon, I saw more waves heading for us, and could feel my face light up.

"How about this one?" I pointed to the rolling water beyond with excitement.

Edward followed my gaze and smiled. "Hey, you're getting good at picking them out." He seemed proud and gave me a wink before I began paddling back toward the beach. This wave was mine. I could feel it, the adrenaline pumping through me, making me feel strong. Edward barked his instructions from somewhere behind, but I could barely hear him from the sounds of my own heart in my ears.

_Focus, Bella. Focus._

And then I heard it… clear as a bell in my mind. _You just have to feel it, Bella. _The advice Embry gave me the first time I hastily surfed in La Push. The time I completely ignored him and acted like a big shot and he drove me to the hospital for stitches later. I smiled to myself, my arms still dragging through the water as I paddled, gaining momentum as the wave began to form beneath me. I pictured the way I had seen the boys do it back in La Push, with the same ease as Edward had shown today. My confidence continued to build, and I felt myself popping to my feet in a smooth motion.

It was like an out of body experience, me riding that wave. If this were a movie, some epic portion of the score would be blasting as I maintained my balance and let out a triumphant yell, accompanying Edward's in the background. Still trying to remember the form Edward had taught me on the beach, it took everything not to pump my fist in the air with excitement.

When the wave began to calm and lost its momentum, I precariously leapt from the board into the more shallow water, splashing around and squealing in elation just as Edward joined me.

"That was awesome, Bella! I knew you could do it! How do you feel?"

"Like I just conquered the world, actually." I dove for him then, wrapping my arms around his neck and laughing manically. "Thank you, Edward. So much." I hadn't ridden the largest wave of the day, but I had stayed on. And I felt accomplished for it.

His arms wound around me, and I could feel him sigh against my temple, his lips curled in delight. I let the hug linger longer than I should have, but I was enjoying the moment. When I broke away, it was only to trudge back onto the beach, board in hand, while Edward talked about being "famished enough to eat sand."

We made it back to the Range Rover, not a silent or awkward moment between us, each of exhaling smoke through our smiles. I suggested fast-food of the worst kind for lunch, feeling suddenly like I hadn't eaten in days. We got cheeseburgers and fries and when Edward stopped for gas, he returned from the small gas station with a bottled beer for each of us.

"To celebrate," he said, twisting the metal cap from mine and lifting the neck of his to it in a toast.

"The way you people just openly purchase alcohol makes me laugh," I exclaimed to him as we ate and drank in the parking lot before driving back to my house. Edward hummed along to the radio, a White Stripes song, and I bobbed my head with a smile.

Alice and Jasper appeared to have just pulled up across the street, and they ran over to Edward's vehicle when they saw us pull in.

"How was it?" Jasper asked excitedly. Alice hopped up and down next to him, her eyes glittering in the sun.

"Took several attempts, but she finally pulled it off," Edward said proudly. Alice clapped her hands enthusiastically, and the easy conversation continued for several more minutes. I told them about having to register for classes the next morning, and Jasper volunteered to drive me, even though it meant early departure time, but I put up my hands to stop him.

"Thanks, but I think Charlie is off tomorrow and he wants to take me. Kind of a father/daughter thing."

"Edward," Alice piped up. He turned to his sister and waited for her to continue. "Don't you have something you want to ask Bella?" He dropped his head with a thunk to the steering wheel and shook it back and forth in embarrassment. _Ask me something? I've just spent all morning with him and he asked me lots of things, but nothing that stuck out._

"Yes, well, if Edward is to ask her anything, we had better let him do it in private, Alice." Jasper removed her from the street as she waved goodbye happily. I laughed at the display and Edward finally turned to face me.

"So, what is it?" I asked him.

He got nervous almost instantaneously, running that hand through his hair, looking anywhere but at me. He even gnawed on his lip for a few moments. I followed his every move with my eyes, taking in his anxiety and the embarrassment still rolling off him in waves.

"Edward. Just say it," I said, raising my voice in frustration.

He huffed loudly, running both hands down his cheeks before speaking.

"There's a thing the school always does the weekend before fall semester. The Kick-off Carnival. It's kind of the first big social event of the school year. But it's pretty lame and we usually go drunk and eat too many funnel cakes and… I was wondering." _Sigh._ "If. Youwouldgowithme."

I leaned toward him just slightly and raised my eyebrows, wanting to make sure I understood. "Sorry?"

He was getting more and more flustered and I hated it. And he obviously didn't want to repeat himself.

"Well, I mean, just as friends. Except… well, you'd be there with me. Not _with_ me, with all of us." He motioned to where Jasper and Alice had just been standing, indicating that everyone would be tagging along. He noticed how I didn't answer right away, and felt the need to continue filling the silence with useless, nervous words.

"You can say no if you don't want to…"

"Edward! Stop it." It didn't take me long to decide, it just took me a second to process. _Would this be like… a date?_ "Of course, I'll go with you."

His smile was infectious, so naturally I gave him a matching idiotic smile. My heart swelled inside of me, even though I didn't expect nor was I even really thinking it meant anything to him. He was just keeping up the pattern of friendly, nice behavior. Right? Either way, it sounded like fun, and any excuse to keep myself occupied was good. It was just made even better by the fact that I would be occupied with attractive, sweet, beautiful Edward.

"Okay, so… good luck tomorrow," he said, wrapping his fingers around my wrist and squeezing. "I'll call you tomorrow, if that's alright."

I nodded, a nervous giggle rising from my throat. _God, how often do I make those kinds of silly sounds around him? _I waved goodbye and thanked him again for the surfing lesson, telling him I hoped we did it again soon.

Barely inside the door, my cell phone rang from somewhere inside my bag. I dug around, cussing the overpopulation of shit inside, until I finally found it and answered on what was probably the last ring with a smile.

"Embry! I surfed! I actually surfed!"

* * *

**YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE! 3**


	8. Content With Loneliness

So, here I am again, wishing I could explain why it takes me so long to do this. But I have nothing. Thanks for hanging in there with me, even though I am painfully slow at updating.

This was originally meant to encompass the kick-off carnival, but it got too wordy and I had to split it up. I hope to have the second portion posted within a few days.

Thanks so much to bratty-vamp and soonermom for doing the beta thing and for all the lovely Rangers and Campers at A Different Forest for supporting me all the time! Come sit around the campfire with us and have a s'more. www [dot] adifferentforest [dot] com

* * *

Chapter 8 – "Content With Loneliness"

**"**_**The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." –Mark Twain**_

Sage Hill Academy was unlike any high school I had ever seen. It felt almost out of place in this land of sun and surf, the stone walls covered in green vines of ivy more appropriate in a British fairy tale than California. The grounds were pristine, lush grasses and colorful flower gardens, the roar of the ocean not far in the distance. It seemed unreal to me, but I didn't question how Charlie's job was able to convince the board that I was scholarship material. I had never felt more than average when it came to school, excelling in English, Literature, and History, but only just able to maintain decent grades in Math and Science. I hadn't belonged to any clubs back in Forks, hadn't participated in any extracurricular activities. Looking around me at the grounds of my new school, I was certain I would feel even less than average here.

Peering at my father as we walked to the Headmasters office though, I smiled to myself.

_Maybe you're just lucky. _

Charlie looked almost as nervous as I felt, a wayward hand through his hair every few steps. Jasper was right on my heels. He had insisted on coming with us, and his lazy gait indicated he might have been rethinking that idea. I stopped to let him catch up and his stride matched my own weary steps.

"So…" I began. "What do you think? Give me some advice. You were in my shoes not long ago. Be helpful. Or did you just come to watch me squirm?" Jasper and Charlie both gave small laughs, which only made me roll my eyes in disdain.

"Look, Bella. Dr. Davis is really nice. You're already in, so you pretty much have nothing to worry about. She's just gonna go over some things with you: class schedule, college options, she'll want you to probably take up some after school activities. Makes the scholarship recipients look good to the board."

"After school activities?" I groaned, always one for getting home ASAP and kicking my shoes off, never one for lingering on the school grounds to be yelled at by coaches or nerd-out with the debate team or the chess club.

Jasper laughed again, and this time I slugged him in the arm. "Be more supportive, Whitlock!"

"Hey, ouch!" He reached up and rubbed his arm in mock pain, an injured expression on his golden face.

"Alright, kids," Charlie sighed. "Behave." He stopped and pointed a finger between the two of us, something he used to do when the boys and I had gotten in trouble as kids. Jasper straightened up at Charlie's behest and I giggled at the sight.

But the nerves soon returned, as I found myself in front of a rich mahogany door, the words "Dr. Kat Davis" adorning the golden plaque on its front. Charlie and Jasper both remained seated in the chairs to the left, and they each urged me on with their eyes as I hesitantly raised my knuckles to the door and rapped lightly on its surface.

"Come on in, Isabella."

Dr. Davis was a middle-aged Asian American woman with a kind face and sleek black hair that brushed her shoulders in soft waves. Her skin was a beautiful olive shade, smooth and creamy behind natural make-up. There were faint traces of deep purple beneath her eyes, indicating either a lack of sleep, or a woman who worked too much and played too little. She was all business in a beautiful tailored black pencil skirt, crisp white collared shirt, and black leather pumps. I found myself wondering what new students often wore to these types of meetings with the good doctor and folded my hands behind my back to prevent from sticking them into the pockets of my denim pants. They were torn at the bottom where they had scraped the ground for so long. The toe of my light blue canvas shoe had a smiley face drawn in ink pen, left there by Quil the previous summer. It was faded and slightly smeared, but the thought brought a quick burst of courage to my conscious, and I lifted my eyes back to Dr. Davis with a small smile. She motioned for me to sit in the leather chair at the front of her desk, but instead of sitting in the big cushy chair across from me, she moved around to the front of the desk to sit beside me.

"Would you like to be called Isabella? Or do you prefer something else?"

_Oh, I like you already. _

"Just Bella, please." My voice sounded quiet, but the vote of confidence was still there. She smiled gently and opened a file containing my information and what I could only guess were my student records from Forks. She continued speaking as she made a note next to my name.

"Welcome to California. I'm Dr. Davis." She extended her hand, long fingers curling around mine in a firm shake. "How have you been adjusting to your new home, Bella? I know it must have been terribly hard to move away right before your senior year."

I sighed and picked at my cuticle. "Yeah… it's tough. But, I'm making it okay."

"I know you and your father moved in across the street from the Whitlock's. Have you met Jasper and his friends?"

_Ha. Have I met his friends?_

"You mean the Cullens? And Rosalie and Emmett? Yeah, we've met. They've all been… really nice."

Dr. Davis smiled and flipped through a few pages of my file, quirking an eyebrow here, nodding there. I sat ramrod straight in my chair, uncomfortable under the inadvertent scrutiny, occasionally craning my neck to see an errant word on the pages in front of her.

"Okay, Bella. Let's talk business. You've been given a good opportunity here at Sage Hill. If you wish to excel in certain areas, we give you the tools. If you have a project in the community you're passionate about, we help you get started. If college is something of interest to you, we can assist you in any way possible. We take care of our students. Now, I can see here that you were a pretty decent student back in Washington. Do you enjoy school?"

I shrugged my shoulders quickly, not knowing if this was a trick question. _Does any kid ever say they truly enjoy school?_

"Well… I don't know. I guess I like some aspects of it. Some subjects more than others."

"Yes, I see you tend to do better in English and Literature and History than other subjects. But that's okay, you're grades are acceptable in the others. You should know that if you are interested in tutoring, that is available to you here. Now," she paused, glancing back down at the folder with my name on it. "You didn't participate in any after school activities in the past?"

There was no point in denying it. When it had come to Forks High School, I had a few friends, but mostly kept to myself, and most of my spare time was spent on the rez. Not to mention the fact that small towns like Forks had pretty limited possibilities. I shook my head.

"Well, we do encourage that here, but there is no need for you to commit to anything today. You'll have a chance during the first week of school to learn about some of the organizations and activities we have here on campus, and off as well. And we focus on more than just athletics and the usual extra curricula's. We have community service programs, literary publications, choral music. There are a lot of options for you to think about."

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."

"How about college, Bella? Do you have any plans? Any schools you've thought might be a good fit for you?"

Up until that moment, when Dr. Davis spoke those words, I had always just thought it would be community college in Port Angeles, and then a transfer to a school in Seattle. Far enough away from home to move out, close enough to go home on weekends or whenever I needed to. Would those same plans still apply now? Would it be possible for me to decide to stay in California, or maybe even go somewhere else after graduation?

She picked up on my hesitation, eyeing the nervous bounce of my leg. She reached over and squeezed my shoulder quickly, that same friendly smile on her face.

"It's alright, Bella. I know it's a lot of questions, and some of these things may be things you have never given much thought. That is okay."

I released the anxious breath I hadn't realized I was holding and shook my head with a smile. She seemed like someone I could talk to, and the gentle expression on her face told me that it might be possible to trust her.

"Dr. Davis, I do want to go to college. But I don't really know where yet. I had always imagined college back home with my best friends. This is all so new for me…"

"Well, because we meet with each and every senior for college counseling in a few weeks, then you have plenty of time to start thinking about it. Don't let it be an extra stressor for now. You can come to me with questions or concerns at any time."

I was given my class schedule: Algebra 3, World History, Human Anatomy, and AP Literature for the fall semester. Dr. Davis was very reassuring and really seemed like she wanted to help me in anyway she could, like a teacher should. It was a comfort. She reminded me to come check in with her at the end of my first week, just to let know how things had gone, and then sent me on my way.

Jasper strolled the halls with me, helped me find my locker and each classroom, and laughed at me for being so nervous. Charlie rolled his eyes and gave an occasional laugh as well. The school was even more like a castle on the interior. Winding staircases, huge windows, and hardwood floors along the hallways. This was Forks High's dream school. Jasper gave me an encouraging squeeze when he noticed my features twisting with anxiety at the high ceilings and art work displayed all along the main corridor.

"Hey, Bella. No sweat. We're not gonna leave you hanging next week. Promise."

My phone alerted me of a text message as soon as we exited to the main parking lot.

_One new message from: Edward_

_How was registration? Will your dad bring you over?_

My heart thumped wildly several times and I smiled at Jasper's watchful eye.

"It's Edward. He wants us to come over. Dad?"

We looked at Charlie expectantly, and I may have even poked my lower lip out in a form of begging I knew he would be unable to resist. He sighed and gave a small smile, but his acquiescence was written plainly on his face.

"Alright, fine. But you two are finding your own rides back."

"It's no problem Mr. Swan. I'm sure Alice or Edward will bring us back," Jasper offered with a wink in my direction. It earned him another shot to the arm.

The Cullen house was just as immaculate as I had remembered it, and even Charlie let out a quiet whistle between his teeth as we pulled into the drive.

"Well, they don't make them like this in our neighborhood, huh Jasper?"

"No sir, they don't. Thanks for the ride. I'll make sure Bella gets home later."

"Bye, Dad."

He gave a slight wave, still taking in the manicured lawn and the house that stood before us like a mansion.

Edward's Range Rover was not in the carport, but Rosalie's BMW shone like a diamond in the glittery sun.

"They're probably out by the pool," Jasper said as we started toward the front door.

"Shit, I didn't bring a swimsuit," I intoned, just as the massive door was flung open by Alice's tiny frame.

"That's okay, Bella! I have one you can borrow." She quickly kissed Jasper's cheek and grabbed my hand.

"Edward and Emmett ran to get some drinks and some ice. Rose is out back, Jasper!"

Alice pulled me into her bright room, her own little world inside the Cullen house, and threw open a drawer. Random articles of clothing came flying over her head haphazardly, and Alice mumbled to herself comically.

"AH HA!" She dangled a revealing pink bikini in my face, and I cringed slightly.

"Alice, do you have anything… a little less revealing? This is all strings..."

"No, its not. You just don't like it because it's not black. Step out of your comfort zone, Bella. Show off that flat tummy!" She placed her small hand on my waist and gave it a little pat before ripping the tags from the pink fabric.

"Oh god," I groaned, moving toward the bathroom and slamming the door. I could hear Alice's tinkling laughter from the other side.

I changed quickly, observing that the bikini wasn't as risqué as I had originally thought. It was hot pink, not typically something I would wear, but it did have small black piping along the edges.

_I am so emo._

I settled myself on a beach towel in a chair between Rosalie and Alice, self-consciously covering my midsection with folded arms.

A snort from Rosalie's appraising eye caused me to snap in her direction.

"Honestly, Bella. Pink looks good on you… Edward will like it."

Alice snickered and I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses.

"It's not like that…"

"We know. We know. Edward already told us." Rosalie flipped onto her back, swiftly adjusted her red top and swept her golden locks over her shoulder. Her skin was taking on a perfect sun-kissed glow and she lowered her glasses to look across the patio. I followed her gaze to see Edward and Emmett emerging from the house, a case of beer under Emmett's arm and a bag of ice in Edward's.

Edward was like sunshine, midday light glinting in the coppery tints of his wild hair. His board shorts were slung low on his hips, the slight muscle of his stomach rippling in taught lines as he pulled his white t-shirt over his head. He smiled at me slowly as our eyes met, and though Rosalie's last comment lingered, I smiled back at him.

She cleared her throat. "He thinks you're still with Embry," Rosalie whispered conspiratorially.

"No he doesn't, Rose!" Alice argued in hushed tones. "He asked her to go to the kick-off carnival next weekend." She winked and went back to filing her nails, her lips pursed in careful concentration.

"Did he? Well… I'm glad." She smiled over at me just as Edward approached us, two beers in hand.

I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms securely around them. Edward looked down at me and smiled.

"Am I interrupting, ladies?" He sat on the end of my chair and popped open one of the bottles before handing it to me.

"Um, where are our drinks, Edward?"

His eyes shot over to Alice, and then back to Rose, who tapped her toes impatiently. "Oh no. No, no, no. You two have men to wait on you. Harass them if you're thirsty."

I couldn't help but laugh a little as we clinked our bottles together just as Rosalie began whining for Emmett.

We spent the early afternoon hours lazing about, rays of sunshine like beams of heavenly light filtering through the precariously placed trees around the Cullen's back yard. Emmett and Jasper began the task of bar-be-cuing chicken breasts, while Rosalie and Alice went inside to make margaritas. I was content to sip my beer.

The day was warm and the air was fragrant with the scent of flowers. Floating around the pool on an inflatable raft only seemed to complete the paradisiacal picture. Even behind closed lids, I could feel Edward's gaze burning through me, and I could hear Rosalie's earlier statement echoing in my mind. Did he think I was heavily involved with Embry? Was I? Edward moved through the water quietly and softly tugged my sunglasses from my nose, one rough fingertip grazing my skin, rocking me to the core and breaking through my random thoughts.

"What are you doing, oh gracious host?" I asked with fake annoyance. He smiled at me, innocently, though the devil himself could have been dancing behind his emerald eyes.

"Oh, I'm just enjoying the scenery. Nice swim suit, by the way."

I laughed with him before splashing water in his face, droplets clinging to the ends of his eyelashes and his mess of hair.

"I bet you do like it," I implied, snatching the cigarette from his fingers and taking a drag. "Where are your parents anyway?"

"Oh, dad's off saving the world, one patient at a time. And mom is busy decorating some house in LA. You know, the usual." He gave a slight eye roll, and that boyish grin danced on his face.

"They must stay pretty busy then. Seems like you guys do whatever you want." I lifted my beer, indicating my reference to the unlimited alcohol access, the poolside parties, and the late nights out.

"Well, Esme only works when she feels inspired. Carlisle is pretty involved at the hospital now that he's on the board and everything. But they're still not typical high-society OC parents. It may seem like they're absent, but most nights we all have dinner together. We go to them with our problems. They make sure we stay in good academic standing. But yeah… they let us have some fun, too."

He paused and glanced over his shoulder to the two girls lying there in the sun, chatting animatedly about who knows what. He leaned in closer, his forearms resting on the plastic near my hip, his eyes wide.

"Take Rose, for example. Her mom and dad divorced a few years back. Typical OC scandal: mom liked dad's money, dad liked his secretary. Now, mom still gets to enjoy dad's money while spending weekends at the spa and partying more than we do. Her dad makes sure Rose has whatever she wants, in an attempt to buy her forgiveness. School, car, expensive clothes. Rose never asked for any of it. She can't wait to get out of here."

I followed his eyes to the beautiful blonde across the patio. Her corn silk hair glistened and perfect red lips smiled. And I would have never known there was such severe turmoil in her life.

"Oh, don't feel bad for her," Edward said, as if he could hear my thoughts. "She gets on well enough without them. She has Emmett, and her friends. She barely even talks about the whole situation anymore."

I took another long sip from my beer, Edward's eyes lingering on my face.

"What about your dad? He pretty tough on you?"

I shook my head, lying back with my face turned to the sun. We had only grazed this topic in past conversations. Talking about my dad meant talking about my mom. But I surged on, glancing quickly at Edward, and knowing inherently that I could trust him.

"No, not really. Things were…hard…after my mom. I was very angry, he was very sad. He knew things were getting bad for me, but I don't think he knew what to do. I cut a lot of class, talked back, sometimes didn't talk at all. Started drinking too early, smoking too soon. Classic tale of a teenager coming undone." I turned my face back towards him and gave him a light smile.

"So, what about your friends? Where were they in all of this?"

"Right beside me, letting me work it out, run its course. And it did, mostly. Charlie and I got better; it became easier, being without my mom. But, the pain, it's always there. It fades, dulls a little bit. The wound will always be raw though."

And that was the truth of it all. I was capable of ignoring the pain of my mother's absence, but incapable of forgetting it. Embry, Quil, and Jacob understood that. We all came from single parent homes. It was something that had bound together for years. Jacob's mom died when he was very young. Embry's dad took off when he was just a baby. Quil's mom drank and his dad cleaned up after her. The aftermath was that he spent a lot of time sleeping over at each of our houses. I looked back at Rosalie, and knew that she and I were the same: things had happened but we still put on a brave face when we could.

"Bella? Bell-aaaa…"

Edward snapped his fingers in front of my face once, and I realized I was zoning out, lost in my thoughts of Forks and my mother. My eyes fluttered back to his and he smiled gently.

"Where were you just now?" he asked.

I shrugged, smiling back at him. "Nowhere special. Just got lost. So… tell me more about this carnival we're going to."

..................

Alice drove us home after all the beer was gone and the food had been eaten up. Edward had wound his arms around my waist in a tight hug and whispered close to my ear.

"Thanks for coming over. I'm glad you're going with me Friday night."

I pulled away from his embrace and gave him a shy nod, knowing our friends were watching and that my embarrassment was written plainly on my face. He walked with us to Alice's car, and winked one brilliant green eye before closing the door.

I mostly stayed quiet on the ride back, my skin flushed pink from too much sun and a few too many beers. I sipped on a bottle of water and examined the ends of my mousy, red-tinged hair, while Alice and Jasper chattered away in the front seat. I scrunched my nose at the shape of my hair and switched to picking at my cuticles instead. I watched Alice in the rearview mirror; her short hair styled perfectly, lips glossy, skin bright and flawless. She and Rosalie were the epitome of perfection, at least for our ages. Just thinking about our differences made me want to hide my face in insecurity.

And what would everyone else at Sage Hill think of my less than Barbie girl appearance?

I had decided long before ever leaving Forks that I would never change myself to fit in. This time was no different. But could I use an… update? Wouldn't hurt. I'd probably feel a bit better about myself.

When Alice pulled up at Jasper's, her eyes met mine in the mirror, and in an instant I knew she could tell I needed her help. I ducked quickly from her car and fidgeted with my hands as she got out as well. As the three of us stood on the sidewalk, she sent Jasper inside and looked back at me expectantly.

_No point in beating around the bush, Bella._

"Um, Alice? Do you think you could… you know, maybe help me get ready for the carnival next weekend?" The words came tumbling out, and I trained my eyes on a crack in the concrete, glancing up only to see her thoughtful and surprised expression. I didn't feel like Alice was judging me, standing there, waiting for me to continue. She wanted to hear me out. She was my friend.

"It's just that… I really don't do clothes. Or hair. Or anything that constitutes being a girl." Alice giggled and I couldn't help but laugh with her, the sparkle in her bright hazel eyes almost dreamlike.

I was hopeless when it came to these types of things. I was raised with boys and without a mother during the times being "girly" counted the most. But Alice didn't flinch, her gaze never turned appraising, and she lightly touched the ends of the longer strands of my stringy hair with a smile.

"Bella, I would love to help you. What if I came to your house in a few days and we did something different to your hair?"

I glanced down to where her tiny fingers were twined and nervously glanced back up. "Well, um…"

"I promise, it won't be anything dramatic!" she interrupted.

"Oh, well, okay then. I trust you."

"It'll be fun, Bella! And I won't try to make you look like someone else. We'll only do things you're completely comfortable with."

I nodded and smiled as Alice pulled me into a warm hug, bouncing ever so slightly on the balls of her feet.

"So, Wednesday good for you?"

"Just… call me?"

.................

"So, you're going to let Alice change your hair?" I had breathlessly relayed the story of my impending make over to Embry as soon as I showered and dressed.

"Yeah, well… don't say it so loud," I remarked. His quiet laughter floated through the phone and my heart stuttered a bit at the sound. "Well, I could kind of use it."

"I've always loved your hair. Doesn't matter what you do to it."

I smiled to myself at his words, and then even more at his constant effect on me, unchanging even after so many years, even after spending the day floating around a pool with Edward Cullen. I sighed into the phone and continued.

"Yeah, so I'm nervous about it I guess. Alice, I mean. You know me. I've never put much emphasis on that type of thing. I'm not sure how… involved… this will be. What if she tries to paint my nails? Or make me wear pink?"

Embry laughed again. "Yeah, I don't think you do pink, Bells."

After the laughter, a silence hovered for a few moments, and Embry broke it with the question I knew he would be asking.

"Jake still hasn't called, huh?"

"Nope. No calls. No texts. Not even an email. Should I call him?"

"Bells, I saw Jake yesterday, and he didn't even mention being mad at you. I don't think he is at all. Maybe he hasn't called because he is afraid of how _you_ will react."

In that moment, the longing for my friends returned. And I couldn't help but think that this fight between Jake and I wouldn't have gone this far if I had Quil and Embry to act as mediators in person. I felt like I was a million miles away. And I missed Jacob. I missed the intensity with which he loved all of us, his fearlessness, his strength. He was not timid and shy like Quil. Nor was he quiet in his force like Embry. Jake was boisterous. He was rude and at times irrational. In reality, I fought with Jacob more than anyone else. We disagreed constantly.

But we never went days without speaking. The ball was in my court.

"Okay."

"You gonna call him?"

"Yeah, I think I will."

"Good girl. Now… tell me about this carnival."

I told Embry all that I knew. There would be food and rides and games, all on a beautiful beach. I told him we were all going as a large group, that it would be the first time any of my new peers would see or meet me, and about the anxiety I felt.

I left out as much as I could about Edward.

.................

Alice came over Wednesday morning, a large duffel bag slung over her tiny shoulder, and a brightly colored tote bag on one arm. Her exuberant smile made me fear for what exactly was inside her bags, but she breezed past me and tried to put me at ease.

"Now, I brought you some clothes." I opened my mouth to interject, but she lifted her hand in a silencing motion. "I don't want your objections, so don't even think about it. It's just some outfits to wear to the carnival. If there's nothing you like, I will take them back home and put them back in my closet. But if you see something you do like, just know you are more than welcome to borrow it."

I took another settling breath, and then nodded once to Alice. Her face broke into a satisfied smile as she turned and bounded up the stairs to my room.

She laid the outfits across my bed, and I was quickly able to eliminate a denim skirt and dressy tank top combination, leaving two more choices. Neither of them was awful, but I decided against the cropped jeans and light purple polo shirt.

The only remaining article of clothing was a lace-trimmed grey camisole and soft pink slouchy cardigan. And I actually liked it. Lifting the cardigan to my cheek, I ran the soft sweater material against my chin.

"It's cashmere," Alice whispered. My eyes darted to her face and widened in shock. The fabric was divine, but the only thing I knew about cashmere was that it was expensive.

"Alice, I can't wear this. Seriously. My dad told me he would give me some spending money for new clothes if I wanted. I'll just have him take me…"

Alice placed her hand on mine and shook her hand. "Bella, I insist. Remember?"

I glanced down at the beautiful top again. _What if I spill something on it? What if I ruin it? It must be one of Alice's best garments…_

"Bella? Please. I'd really like it if you wore it. Why don't you just try it on?"

I hesitated, glancing between Alice and her clothes. "Oh… okay."

I turned my back as I shed my t-shirt, then pulled the soft cotton camisole over my head, careful not to cause it to stretch. Alice giggled at my delicate movements as I pulled the cardigan to my shoulders.

And, oh, how I wanted to sleep in that cashmere sweater forever! It felt luxurious, heavenly…

"It looks fabulous on you! A perfect fit." Alice turned me toward the full-length mirror Charlie had mounted against the bedroom door. The top truly did fit me well, hugging my midsection in all the right places while still being comfortable.

And I thought I couldn't do pink…

"See, I told you… just pair it with some jeans and you're all set." Her eyes widened anxiously, and I knew she was thinking I would refuse her offer again. It made me feel strange to be in Alice's clothing… more feminine perhaps. But I felt pretty, when most days I was used to feeling plain. And I liked the feeling. So, in spite of myself, I turned to Alice and hugged her petite shoulders.

"Thank you, Alice." I pulled away and looked into her hazel eyes. "Maybe later this weekend, you could go shopping with me. I think I will take Charlie up on his offer for new clothes. It would be nice to have a female perspective."

She agreed wholeheartedly and I changed back into my ratty t-shirt so Alice could effectively transform my hair. Once we had relocated to the bathroom, she set about coloring my hair with dark brown ooze that spread like mud. While it set, I even let Alice pluck my eyebrows as she chattered excitedly about the weekend.

When the dye was washed clean, I let her trim the broken and neglected ends of my long hair, giving it some shape again instead of the scraggly coif I had grown used to.

"I can't tell you the last time I had my hair cut," I mumbled as I watched Alice run a brush gently against my scalp.

"Believe me, I could tell." She gave a jubilant smile and playfully nudged my shoulder. "But it will look better now, healthier."

I smiled at my reflection in the mirror as Alice dried and straightened my hair then, and a wave of contentedness washed over me. I felt bonded to Alice somehow, a connection I had never felt with another female friend before. And I felt a gratitude swelling inside me, giving me confidence to proceed further.

"Alice… do you think you could give me some tips. On doing my make-up? I don't wear very much, and I don't necessarily _want_ to. But, it would be nice to know what I was doing."

She began flitting excitedly around the bathroom, pulling brushes and pouches full of lip stain and powders from her tote bag. She showed me how to "enhance my features," making me practice putting on eyeliner until I could get that thin, straight line just perfect. I stabbed myself in the eye several times and tears would smear what make-up we had already done. We laughed hysterically at my apparent inability to hold my hand steady, and Alice finally took the pencil from me and fixed my face herself.

And the result was subtle, natural, almost as if I had nothing on at all. My skin glowed like Alice's, my brown eyes doe-like, my cheekbones delicate and defined. Coupled with the hair cut, I felt like a new person, but I didn't necessarily look like one. I grinned at my friend, raised my camera phone, and took a picture of myself. The boys would never believe it.

"Thank you, Alice. I can't… I can't believe it."

"Well, believe it sweetie. That's you." She pointed her slender finger at my reflection in the mirror. "And you're lovely. All the boys are gonna be crazy over you."

I shoved away from the vanity, and spun to hug her another time. She giggled into my shoulder before we started organizing and packing all of her things. I walked her to the door, and just as we were saying our goodbyes, she turned to face me again.

"Bella, I'm really glad you decided to come to the carnival with us, its always so much fun. I think my brother really likes you, he gets really excited when he knows you'll be around. I know this move has been hard. Gosh, I couldn't imagine leaving everything behind to start over for my _senior year._ Goodness, I'm babbling… anyway, see you Friday night! You look amazing." She kissed my cheek quickly and ran across the yard.

Back in my room, I sent a text message containing the picture I had taken of myself. It took Embry less than a minute to respond.

"…_WOW…" –E_

Before I had time to answer back, another text came in.

"Bells, don't misunderstand me. You've always been beautiful. But, WOW." –E

"_Well, thanks, I guess." –B_

"_I'm jealous that I'm not there to see you in person." –E_

I shut my phone and looked across the room to the full-length mirror once again. The reflection was enchanting, but still foreign to me. Like a dream, like something was so close, but still out of reach. My fingertips were grazing, scratching the surface of whatever was causing this emptiness inside.

My eyes landed on my nightstand, where next to the pictures of me and my best friends, stood a picture of my family, before my mother had passed.

The weight of my realization hit me like a ton of bricks square between the eyes: my mother was absent for this transformation. My mother should have been the one showing me how to do make-up. She would have volunteered to take me shopping for new clothes. She would have brushed my hair and ironed it until it was flat and silky.

But she wasn't here. And I would never share moments like these with her. And that thought literally ripped me in half.

Hot tears spilled from my eyes, stinging and blurring my vision as it washed what began to feel like a mask across my face. I fled to the bathroom, turning on the tap and splashing the cool water on my cheeks before grabbing the hand towel and scrubbing my skin clean.

The red faced, puffy-eyed reflection I saw staring back at me felt more appropriate than the elation of a few minutes earlier. I realized that I was more comfortable in my sadness, that a part of me felt… guilty when I was happy in this new life, void of my mother, my friends, and my home.

And the loneliness, the longing for Embry returned when I saw his last text message of the night:

"_You deserve this, Bella. You are beautiful and you deserve to be happy." -E_

_

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A/N: You guys have no idea how awesome you are and how much I appreciate everyone who even glances at this little fic. Even though I'm slow, I promise not to abandon this story!

I read every single review, so I hope y'all leave one! =D


	9. Float Like a Cannonball

**Hi! *hides face* **

**I know it's been awhile, as usual. I'm not going to go into a great big spill about why, but just know my husband deployed to Afghanistan 2 weeks ago, and I've been dealing with that. I'm not giving up on this story. I love this story! And I love all of you for all of your alerting and pimping and reviewing and for the fact that you're still reading. **

**If you're not already a member over at A Different Forest, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? I have my own little cabin over there, and you can also find a little companion piece to Loneliness Be Over! So come on over and start a campfire! www (dot) adifferentforest (dot) com**

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_"You're alive. Do Something" -Barbara Hall_

_........................................._

"Hey Jake… how are you?"

"Bells?" I could hear him fumbling around through the earpiece, probably trying to get his bearings in the dark. "Are you okay? It's late, what's wrong?"

I had spent most of the night crying, refusing Charlie's invite to go out for dinner and forcing him to eat cold pizza. It was now two in the morning, and my fingers had dialed Jacob's number before I even realized what I was doing.

All I could do was sigh into the phone, a fresh round of tears springing to my eyes. I quickly brushed them away and took another deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves. Jacob picked up on my emotional state and sounded more alert when he spoke again.

"Bella, I'm so glad you called. I have tried so many times to call you and apologize for the other day, but I can never finish dialing your number. I was way out of line. I'm so sorry."

"Jake…"

My old friend sounded so relieved, so calm, and I let that influence wash over me. I could feel his warm arms around me, his embrace a comfort I had known forever. He had been there for every major event in my life, every injury, every happy moment, and every sad.

"Jake, I missed you. Let's never fight again, okay? I need you."

It was his turn to sigh. "Bells, you know we will fight again. It's something we're good at. But I promise I will never be as harsh as I was the other day. Will you forgive me?"

"Of course, I forgive you. How could I not? I've been waiting for you to call me…"

"I didn't think you would want to talk to me, to be honest. And you have every right to be angry. But that's not why you're crying, is it?"

"Oh, Jake. The up's and down's of this whole thing are killing me. I can't deal. I'm falling apart. So much is happening, and I feel so… alone."

He paused, and I could just picture the expression he must have been wearing at that moment. After losing my mom, I went through a period of sadness that I wasn't sure would ever go away. But since then, everyone had witnessed the way I would numb myself to prevent as much emotional pain as possible, except when with those boys.

And the only thing that had gotten to me since losing my mom was leaving them behind.

Jacob listened to me patiently, as I poured out every emotion flooding my mind and plaguing my heart recently. Some of it was nothing new to him: the parts about my mother and why it was unfair that I never got to have those essential mother-daughter moments with her, the fact that I felt guilty for having fun in this new home, and the way I missed him more than anything in the world.

He asked about the carnival and I told him about Alice's visit that day, and how I had nearly guilted myself into _not_ going. And he did everything he could to comfort me from his place over the phone, miles away, where I wished I could be with all of my heart.

"Bella, you have got to let this go. You have to… _live._ No matter what. Your mom wouldn't want you to stop living. Embry wouldn't either. None of us do. Promise me you'll go Friday night and you'll have fun. I'm worried sick about you…"

"Okay, Jacob. Okay… I'll go. Of course I'll go." I sniffled one last time and swiped at my wet eyes. I moved through the window to my spot on the roof and lit a cigarette.

"And promise me you'll stop smoking, Bella. It's so bad for you."

The tightness within my chest began to loosen, and for the first time in hours, I felt as if I could breathe again. Jacob and I had once again resolved our issues, and everything on that front was back to normal, even down to his chiding me about smoking.

................................

Edward's text messages became more frequent in the day before the carnival. I had been insistent on the outing not being a "date," but I still found myself smiling at his words. And at the idea that maybe it kind of was.

_"Me and you, Swan. Tomorrow night. 5pm. Get ready to burn that carnival up." –Edward_

"_Lol, and what's that supposed to mean, Cullen?" –Bella_

"_Nothing. Just hope you'll let me show you a good time." –Edward_

A good time? My fingers hovered over the keypad of my phone, my mind accelerating and my heart pumping furiously in my chest, as I hesitated.

_"Hmm. I trust that we'll have fun. We usually do." –Bella_

_"Glad you think so. I've really enjoyed spending time with you…"-Edward_

My stomach did a sickening flip-flop in my belly, and I thought for a split second that I would either vomit from anxiety or squeal in delight at his admission. I took a few moments to compose myself and smiled before typing my response.

_"I've had fun, Edward. I'll see you tomorrow at 5. Should I ride to your house with Jasper?" –Bella_

"_No ma'am. I'm picking you up at your house. Peace out, pretty girl." –Edward_

I definitely had no response to that so I quietly clicked my phone closed and ran my hands through my hair. _Pretty girl._ I figured Alice would go home gushing about the work she did on my hair and face, but would Edward think I looked any different? Would he notice the changes?

Charlie commented on my semi-new look at dinner. Because of my rudeness the previous night, I had made one of his favorite meals: steak, mashed potatoes, and salad.

"I like your hair, Bells," he mumbled around a piece of food. "It looks much better that way."

I chuckled at him and munched on a crisp piece of lettuce. My fingers felt weak gripping my fork, as if I hadn't eaten in days. Really, it had only been one day.

"Thanks, Dad. Alice, um… Alice came over last night and helped me fix it." I reached up and touched a dangling strand of my chocolate locks, huffing in indifference. "It's not as… scruffy anymore."

Charlie smiled with his eyes, a reassuring expression that spoke to my heart, the always-present father. He might not always know what to say, but he was still there, still trying to be the best dad he could. I so often spent time thinking about how losing my mom continued to affect me, but what about him? At the end of the day, it was my dad who had to keep putting on a brave face, who had to keep pushing forward. I had neglected his emotions for too long.

After we had cleared the kitchen, I hugged my father. Clung to him like I did when I was a little girl, like I should have all these years since my mom had passed away. We needed each other, and he deserved to know that despite my shitty attitude, he was doing a great job.

"I love you, Dad."

He mumbled a few gruff words and quickly kissed the top of my head. As I headed for the stairs and was just about to shout my goodnight, Charlie called, "So, I assume that Cullen boy is going to take you to the kick-off carnival…"

As much as I wanted to roll my eyes, a smile pricked at my lips too. I turned back to Charlie with a hand on my hip.

"Yeah… he is. That okay?"

He threw his hands up and smiled. "Goodnight, Bells."

It took me several hours to get to sleep that night, between trading texts with Quil and sneaking onto the roof several times for cigarettes. I went back down to the kitchen for water at some point, finding my father passed out in his recliner as the televisions bright light illuminated the living area. I was able to wake him, which made him mad until he realized he was not in his bed.

The next day passed the same way. Slow. I was fidgety. I couldn't find anything to occupy my time. I unpacked some more of my things. Smoked. Cleaned the bathroom. Walked to the store for a snack and just generally something to do. Smoked. Wrote in the journal Embry had given me. Emailed Angela. Took two shots of Charlie's cheap bourbon he rarely drank.

And then it was three o'clock. _Close enough to five for me. _ I busied myself with showering and washing my hair, then trying to get it to look just as Alice had fixed it a couple of days before. I couldn't get the curls to fall just right, and became frustrated enough to take another shot of bourbon in the kitchen. Finally, my hair looked somewhat decent, so I moved on to my face, which came a little easier since I knew it would just be best to keep things simple.

Jasper knocked on the door at twenty minutes to five, and I bounded down the stairs to let him in.

"Drink?" he asked, holding up a familiar silver flask. I smirked at him, and poured us more shots, not wanting to waste his reserve for the evening.

"You know, Bella? You clean up real nice. I'm impressed."

"Well, thank you. It's all because your girlfriend has magic hands… and no, you don't need to add to that comment." We laughed, and I could feel the warmth of those several shots pumping through me. I told Jasper to make himself at home while I ran upstairs for shoes and Alice's cardigan. I checked my face in the mirror one last time, grabbed my phone and the small purse with my necessary items, and let the door click shut behind me.

Edward was sitting on the couch with Jasper when I made it downstairs, and when he turned his eyes in my direction, I wanted to retreat. I felt scrutinized, even though the look on his face clearly said he liked what he saw. Lips turned up in a soft smile, green eyes gentle, there was a look of excitement on his face. Jasper nudged him with his elbow, trying to be discreet, and I shook my head at them. Edward stood and came toward my spot at the foot of the stairs, unable to move my feet to meet him, looking anywhere but into his eyes.

"Hi," he murmured. I let my eyes dance to his briefly, wanting to see his expression, and taking in the way he was observing my face.

"Hi," I breathed back.

"You, um, you look…"

He smiled, and I gave him a tentative smile back, as the silence hung between us like a live wire. I tugged on my hair, disrupting its near perfect state, and laughed nervously.

"Alright kids," Jasper said. "Time for the pre-carnival ritual. Might help loosen y'all up anyway." He clapped Edward on the shoulder as Edward flipped him the bird. Jasper pulled a joint from his pocket, and I chuckled at the idea.

_It would definitely loosen me up._

"You game?" he asked us. Edward and I both shrugged, but I knew it would probably help calm my nerves.

I checked the clock on the microwave. "Charlie might be home soon. Your place?"

"My parents are gone, man. We can head over that way," Jasper offered.

I scribbled a note for Charlie, even though he already knew I'd be gone, and the three of us headed across the mostly empty street.

Edward pulled his flask from his back pocket, and dangled it near my face. "Brought _our_ favorite," he teased, reminding me again of the first day I met him.

"Way ahead of you, Cullen. I'm on my fourth shot now." I smiled at him easily when he clutched at his chest and gave me a scandalized expression.

"Guess I had better catch up then." As he moved the flask to his lips, I gripped the lean muscle of his forearm in warning.

"Not if you're driving me, you don't."

He smirked. "Touché. Don't want to be too hasty."

"Yes!" Jasper chimed in. "The night is still young."

We sat on Jasper's back porch, under the guise of his huge privacy fence, and let the marijuana filter through our lungs, into our blood, its heady scent somewhat masked by the saltwater rolling nearby. Edward and I engaged in a game of slaps that had me giggling riotously, even as he stared into my eyes with fake seriousness. His hands were warm as they ghosted around my own, and I couldn't tell if it was his touch or the weed making my entire body fill with warmth.

We blared our music too loudly on the drive to the carnival, the warm air whipping through the Range Rover, as we goofily sang off key to some silly pop song on the radio. Jasper used his most girly voice, causing Edward and I to cry through our laughter. Edward's blazed eyes would fall on mine every once in awhile, and we'd share a secret smile through the haze of our buzz.

Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice were waiting for us in the parking lot. Rosalie and Alice squealed over my outfit, causing my face to go hot. Emmett swooped me up into his large arms, and I hugged him back but wanted to go hide in the Range Rover.

"Let's do this!" Rose said. Edward and I each took shots from his flask before he stuffed it back into his pocket along with his keys. He walked close to me as we approached the carnival, music and lights on the horizon, and the ocean just beyond. Sometimes, his hand would brush mine, and I could feel my fingers wanting to curl around his. It felt as if they were stretching toward him, reaching for him, wanting to grasp at him.

We all ate ridiculous carnival food: Jasper had a cheeseburger and two hot dogs, much to Alice's dismay. Edward and I shared the biggest funnel cake I had ever seen, and I snickered like a silly girl when he used his fingertip to plant a big, confectioner sugar dot on the tip of my nose. Rosalie continuously smacked at Emmett's big hand as he tried to snatch at handfuls of her cotton candy.

Edward and I dumped copious amounts of his whiskey into our cups of soda, and then sipped rapidly through the straws as he drug me toward the Ferris wheel.

"I haven't been on one of these in years…" I could remember the last time clearly in my mind, even though it had been a long time. Charlie had taken us to the carnival several weeks after my thirteenth birthday party, because I had had such a miserable time. I had been afraid of heights then.

"Well." Edward's lips were close to my ear, his hand resting lightly on my hip, causing a commotion inside me. "Shall we, then?"

My feet dangled from the little metal cart, and I peeked over the edge at the ground below. We laughed as Alice and Jasper tossed pieces of popcorn at us from above, laughed until our sides hurt. I could feel the warmth of Edward's body close to mine, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl inside that feeling and let it wrap around me.

We climbed higher and higher, leaving the world farther and farther below us as we swayed in the breeze. I leaned back and closed my eyes, feeling uneasy at looking down. Edward teased me, causing our seat to rock more than necessary. I griped the lap bar until my knuckles went white and my breath started coming in little gasps.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset. Calm down." Concern filled his voice, and I felt him move even closer to me. He reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers grazing the skin of my neck just enough to make me shudder. I turned my head just enough to meet his eyes and let out a breathy laugh.

"Sorry. Heights. Forgot I don't like them much." I began to relax again just as Edward reached over and laced our fingers together. His hand was warm on mine, and I suddenly felt tiny up next to him. And my heart fluttered at the sensation. My chest felt warm, and the flame spread to my cheeks. I was afraid to look at him then, afraid he would see my furious blush for him.

"Is this… okay?" he whispered.

It took me a moment to nod my head silently. Because it did feel okay. It felt natural. And I wanted it. I squeezed his fingers and could feel his hand tighten around mine just as I opened my eyes.

We were at the very top of the Ferris wheel.

"Don't look down, Bella." His breath brushed across my cheek, his hand came up to cup my face. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I was completely frozen until he turned my face toward his. His lush green eyes were clear and unwavering in their strength. He smiled at me, that crooked smile that made my heart do funny things. And before I could snap out of it, he had brushed his lips gently against mine. Once, twice, three times. His lips made mine pliable, and I let them fall open just so, giving him the permission I wasn't sure I was ready to give. I could taste him then, all whisky and mint, and… sweet. His mouth was soft, cool, and when I started thinking I wanted it all over my body, I had to pull away.

It had only been a few seconds, but it felt like hours.

"What… what are you doing?" I asked softly, raking a hand through my hair in a fit of nerves. I felt as if I couldn't look at him, as if I didn't want to. The guilt swelled heavy in my heart, but I wanted to smile at the same time.

"I thought that was obvious," he replied, a softness lighting his face. He gripped my hand again, and a chill shook me at his touch.

"Edward, I don't. I can't." Sigh. "I don't feel available yet. I mean I'm not ready." And it was true. Up until that exact moment in time, Embry was the only guy I had ever kissed, ever touched, ever loved. And I knew I wasn't with him. Not now, maybe not ever again. I was here, with Edward. But my heart still hurt, still ached fierce and tight in my chest. It was a feeling that left me out of sorts and plagued my mind with confusion. I wanted to kiss Edward. I knew I did. But maybe not just yet…

Edward didn't even falter. In fact, he squeezed my hand again, and brought his hand to my face.

"Bella," he sighed. "I like you. A lot. And I think you might like me too?" I had to nod. It was involuntary. I didn't want to lie to him. And his verdant eyes drew my gaze and I could not look away.

"Okay. So. I'll wait. Until you're ready, can we be friends? I like hanging out with you, spending time with you. I don't mind giving you time to figure things out."

I felt relieved, but I also felt frustrated. I would need that time, to feel more separated from Embry, to feel more open to the idea of Edward and I having something. I didn't want to betray either of them, even though at the moment, it felt like the most beautiful betrayal ever.

"Thank you. Friends would be good." He smiled at me then, as if there had been no exchange between us. He didn't let go of my hand, and I leaned over to settle my head against his shoulder while the Ferris wheel made its final rotation.

"I think we need refills," Rosalie said, as Emmett hoisted her onto his back. We all regrouped at the back of the line, and started to make our way toward the concession stands when a shrill voice shouted Edward's name.

"Oh, damn," Jasper moaned, and it dawned on all of us that Tanya was in our midst. She sashayed in our direction, a scowl marring her features, and Edward gripped my hand tightly.

"What the hell is this? You with her now or something?" She tilted her head in my direction. Edward opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "She your new charity case?"

Part of me felt smug. I mean, even though I had broken away quickly, Edward _had_ just been kissing me. But at the same time, it was clear that Tanya had status among our peers. As she stood near us, flanked by several more beautiful blondes, I didn't feel intimidated. Just threatened.

Anger rose inside of me, inside of us all, but it was Alice who beat us to it.

"Excuse me! You don't own my brother, Tanya. He broke up with _you_; he is free to spend his time with whomever he chooses. And yes, he is here with Bella." She sneered her final words before flashing me a brilliant smile. "You know, you're lucky your coloring has always looked good with green."

Emmett coughed back a laugh behind his fist, and Rosalie had buried her face in his shoulder. Jasper draped his arm around Alice's tiny waist, a pleased expression on his face. Edward never took his hand from mine.

And as we walked away from Tanya, Alice looked as if she had just defeated the Wicked Witch of the West.

"That felt good," she sighed.

I linked my arm with hers and smiled, a silent thank you for her words of defense on my behalf.

Drinks refilled and drama behind us, we moved on to a dunking booth, where Edward was able to demonstrate his ability to throw a baseball at a small circle, sending the man on the seat plummeting into a tank of cold water.

He won me a giant giraffe.

Emmett and Rosalie ended up leaving shortly after, their groping displays becoming a little too public. Jasper and Alice continued to ride rides and play games, but the lights and the noise of the carnival were wearing on me.

"Let me take you on a walk." Edward said, his voice warm and eyes sparkling with the sheen of alcohol.

Stumbling through the sand, I laughed with Edward as he reached for my hand again, his fingers warm and his skin smooth. He pulled me toward another lifeguard tower, and we lowered ourselves to the steps, the wind tangling my hair and creeping through my sweater.

"I had a really good time tonight, Bella. I hope I didn't ruin anything earlier." Edward's voice was low, soothing, and I found myself closing my eyes as I drank in the sound of it.

"Edward, if you had ruined anything, I would've asked you to take me home. I had a good time tonight, too."

He smiled then, a happy, satisfied smile, and we sat in silence. There was nothing awkward about it. And when one of us did speak, we kept it light.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked quietly.

"Blue. What about you?"

"The same. Favorite Saturday morning cartoon?"

"Ninja Turtles," I giggled.

Finally, Jasper and Alice came to retrieve us, and we realized the carnival was closing down and that it was nearly one in the morning.

Jasper drove, having had the least to drink as it turned out. He still wore a goofy smile as he glanced at me over his shoulder while we all trudged through the sand.

I yawned lazily, and rested my cheek against the cool glass of the backseat window, as Edward pulled my feet into his lap with a grin.

"Bella, we're home." Alice gently shook my shoulders as the interior light beamed down into my face.

"Oh, I didn't mean to fall asleep…" Pulling myself upright, I climbed out and waved goodnight to my friends, the sleepy smile still in place.

"Pst! Bella!"

Edward was jogging gracefully across the street, his navy blue button up open to reveal the white shirt underneath. The moonlight made his skin like porcelain, and played its tricks off the different shades in his disheveled hair. The planes of his chest were taught beneath the fabric of his clothing, and I felt myself becoming nervous as he drew closer.

If he knew I was staring, he said nothing to embarrass me. Merely grabbed my hand with a smile and brought it to his lips.

_Do not let your knees buckle, Bella._

I was certain he could see the crimson flaming my cheeks, but he simply laughed to himself and then kissed each of my cheeks.

"Goodnight," he said.


End file.
